Win tickets reading/leeds

Posted by misc on 31/03/09
Posted under BLOG, Music
COMMENTS (42)

The hungover socialite of summer is just beginning to roll itself out of bed, and festival season awaits. We’ve gone slightly mad and have decided to give away the last 2 passes to the Reading and Leeds festivals, just like last year.

All you have to do is comment this article with your funniest festival moment. And we mean FUNNY, not ‘I got toadily wasted and puked in this stranger’s tent’ funny. Alternatively, just leave an abusive comment.

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Danny Brewer

While eating a banana saved till 2am, I tripped over a guy rope in the Hill ground glastonbury, subsequently landing on top of a lad lying on top a person (female I think) with right hand flying out, hard banana skin end forward, right into the lower orifice of this poor bloke through his tent. Not cool
oohcats

has anyone actually won this competition?
reading and leeds are next week...
james

My final night at Summer Sundae last week, and the last thing i remember was this man ->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=16Py1JrNTpQ screaming 'I'm GAY, I'm GAAAAAAY!' at me. The next morning, i woke up naked, in a teepee, with no idea as to how i got there... :(
hendo06

Fred_Ward u stole my story! I deserve the tickets on the basis that my story was good enough to inspire a blatant attempt at plagiarism!
Janet Davies

I dispensed large volumes of blood streaked sick through my nose during the Pendulum set in the super crowded tent at Reading 2008. I don't drink so I put it down to the heat. When I woke up in Reading General Hospital with a morphine drip in my wrist I found out it was because I had an ulcer that had perforated the wall of my stomach. My emergency surgery was delayed by my brother bitching on about how I'd made him miss Metallica as the surgeon tried to get him to sign the consent form. I won't be taking him to Reading this year.
Dave

At Reading 1996, my self and a bunch of mates had managed to get hold of some Acid from a strange looking bloke in a poncho and a goofy hat.

At the time we were 16, and were used to being ripped off with shite drugs, so we weren’t confident that these little squares of paper with pictures of strawberries on were going to be the real deal.

How wrong we were......

After necking a tab each we went for a wonder to one of the shops at the edge of the site to get some supplies. It was a 30 minutes walk from the tent, so just enough time for the acid to start kicking in as we entered civilisation. I knew something wasn’t quite right when the Indian chap serving me in the shop turned into Gonzo from the muppets, clearly my friends were also having problems as two of them began wrestling a display of crisps to the ground and punching the bags of Doritos to death.

We were quickly bundled out into the street and threatened with the police, this of course sent our paranoid drug addled minds over the edge and we bolted for the nearest hiding place. This just happened to be an industrial rubbish bin, sat right out the front of the shop we had been kicked out of. But to a bunch of drug monkeys this made a perfectly reasonable hiding place and in we climbed, much to the amusement of the general public passing buy.
After closing the lid we tried our best to keep quiet, but Gonzo was outside banging on the lid and this proved to be quite a distraction. Someone then decided that the bin we had climbed into was in fact full of dead bodies, so we exited rather sharpish.....straight into the arms of three bemused policemen.
A couple of the group managed to leg it, unfortunately I had managed to tie my shoelaces together whilst hiding in the bin so I was going nowhere. I was arrested along with a friend for drunk and disorderly and bundled into the back of a police car. I spent the next 12 hours tripping my nuts off in a police cell, being visited by a Police Shrink twice because of my bizarre behaviour.
It turned out we got it easy though, the two lads who managed to escape woke up in hospital the next afternoon, with no idea how they got there or where any of their clothes were. All the doctors could tell them was that they were brought in by some concerned members of the public, naked, frightened and clinging to each other for dear life. Apparently they had been chasing devils in some bushes when their clothes became infested with mice, or that’s what they told the doctors when they were brought in.

Don’t do drugs kids!
hendo06

At glasto 97 when I was a nipper, was standing quite near the dance stages when one of those giant poo suckers came to clean out the toilets nearby. Only problem was that they hadn't changed the setting from blow to suck, meaning that everyone in the dance tent was greated with a tidal wave of shit. Was hilarious but the smell lives on with me to this day. True story.
Casper

Me and my mate went to Sonisphere and my mate is only twelve. He was at the middle of the front section and I was with him. During Nine Inch Nails we were having fun and this huge bearded metalhead who looked like Zakk Wylde just picked him up and lobbed him about 15 feet over the crowd!! He landed on another guy who threw him in the air and flipped him so he got to the front and the guys helped him over the barrier. he tried to just get back to the pit but being only twelve they wouldn't let him so they took him to the welfare tent. He had to call up his mum pretending he had to borrow somebody else's phone to find out my number and I still have both the texts from welfare!! One where they even got his name wrong...
Nadesss

i've only used the reading toilets once cos i find them so minging so im always having to find new and inventive ways to pee... mainly involving bushes. being completely malcoordinated trying to use one of those urinelle (funnel for a fanny) attachments well didnt work and i pissed down my leg and had to go back to my tent and tell my boyfriend so i could wipe the piss off my leg in private.
oh and another time i was going for a piss on someones tent cos i couldnt wait and they got ANGRY. chasing was involved. not sure thats as funny though.
Melonknee

So, 2 years ago my friend and I went to Benicassim and on the last night got as wasted as we could.. after getting kicked out of the stadium we stumbled back to Benicamp and went to the loo. I got out and waited nearly 20 minutes for her, shouting but after no response, got on all fours in the toilet block looking for her feet. Eventually saw her, passed out, knickers round ankles asleep on the loo. There were 10 of us who tried to get the door open, eventually managing it, followed by me waking her up with a kick and a shout and having to help her with her shorts. She has never lived it down. HA!
Mank

I did poppers on one of the fairground rides. It went all over my face. Hardcore.
senor sparington

ok get this. i'm at reading 07. ive pulled an all nighter. i'm having a final bump of chang, im gurning like fuck. this haggard girl comes up to me knowing im off my tits and asks if i have any going spare. no way dude! is my initial reaction but i clock she has a cute smile my thoughts are.. what can i do for this lass? i think.. ok i'm a god at improv, so im like ok yeah come into my tent. i suddenly realise my girlfriends in there but i think she was passed out. she comes in all in my grill like whos this im like oh my sister. the girl leaves because she says thats kinda fucked especially as one of my (now ex) girlfriends tits was out. in anger i attempted to lightly slap my girlfriends nose but i dunno i misjudged i fucking broke it.
StephenPietrzykowski

Well, the whole of Tales of the Jackalope was a complete joke, but i'm not sure if that's funny.
Lula

Okay, if the comment from this Hannah girl is true, she deserves those tickets hands down. The rest are a bit 'you really had to be there', non?
Hannah

I went to Leeds Festival last year, but only managed to get there on the Saturday, because my dad promised me and my friend tickets, but his friend who deals let him down. Weirdly, 'cos them guys are o.k. On the friday waiting for news of tickets we made videos pretending we were there, which went along the lines of me calling to Bob Geldof that i'd catch him later. That was what I was expecting, me and Bob Geldolf shmoozing, and I don't even like Bob Geldolf.
Saturday came and I took MDMA unknowingly out of the mouth of Chris, an un-attractive boy who taught deaf kids. I don't know if this is real or whether he was trying to pull, but it didn't do anything for me. I was all, "Deaf children, grose!".
On MDMA, I threw up on Chris, and poo-ed myself in the dance tent, causing little nuggets of poo to fall from my pants when I was trying to do the crab, to no-ones amusement.
Jack

When I was 15, I went to download. As I was young and fragile, my mum decided to go unaccompanied would be incredibly dangerous, and my uncle was nominated to come with me. My friend came too, but all he did was draw nautical stars on himself, take pictures of himself, choke me with hairspray in the tent, and tell me that I'd really like from first to last (or something) if only I ignored the singing, so he shan't be mentioned. Anyway, on the Friday, my uncle decided that he'd keep me safe by ensuring the ridiculous heat (it was like, 40 degrees) didn't turn me into some desiccated mummy, and accompanied me down the front at the main stage with a huge collapsible 16litre water tank, in all his sandal and socks, beige shorts, sunhat wearing, bearded glory. I was still fine with this; I was the first of my friends to go to a proper festival. I was awesome. In keeping with my new lofty heights of festival veterancy, I decided to chat up this ridiculously tall girl with pink dreadlocks. I opened conversation with (referring to the monotonous bass drumming of the sound test guy) 'Oh listen, it's the drumming to every white stripes song ever' or something. She laughed. I was awesome and hilarious. The conversation went well, and we decided that we should meet up later, and started to exchange phone numbers. Fuck yeah; I was awesome, hilarious and sexy. It was at this point my uncle behind me tapped my shoulder. 'Jack, you haven't had any water yet, you feeling ok?'
'Yeah I'm fine thanks' I signalled subtly that I would like him to be quiet.
'Are you sure?'
'Yes' I clamp my mouth shut with my hands, all subtlety lost.
'Have you had a pee?'
Oh god.
'What colour was it? You can tell if you’re dehydrated by the colour of your pee.'
You know that sinking feeling you get in your back, when something like this happens? This was a black hole of embarrassment, sucking all everyone’s most heinous, hideous secrets into me, turning my insides to something the constitution of a blended placenta. I looked at the girl. She had heard it all. She shook her head and backed away from me into the crowd. All confidence lost, I suddenly became extremely self aware. I was not awesome, hilarious and sexy, I was a 15 year old whose mummy worried about him, so had to go his first festival with his uncle, and who had just been magnificently, although unintentionally, cockblocked by him. The worst part of the whole experience was the expression on the girls face as she backed away. A crushing cocktail or amusement, confusion, and pity.
This comment was originally like, 2000 words long and I hadn’t even finished. It pretty much just detailed the innumerable ways my friend and uncle unintentionally (mainly) prevented me from having sex, taking drugs, and basically just chipped away at any credibility I thought I had with a pneumatic drill over that weekend. If crushed teenage lust isn’t funny enough for Reading tickets, then I damn hell sure as fuck don’t know what is.
Josh

one night i was so ill that i didn't say anything in objection when i heard two girls pissing on my tent directly above my head, then woke up to find a massive human shit behind the tent, maybe they weren't just pissing....

alternatively some prick through an empty bottle of vodka into the crowd at reading last year which smashed on my head left me with glass embedded in my scalp and nose for weeks after and ALOT of blood to wash from my hair, clothes, chest hair, etc...
Samuel (Yes me again)

GET BACK YOU PRETENTIOUS PISS-FLAPS

I NEED THESE TICKETS FOR AN AUSTRALIAN GIRL, I AM HER ONLY HOPE (LIKE LUKE SKYWALKER! you know)
Samuel

LEEDS 1st time:

Found a camping spot that still had GRASS.

5 minutes in to my first fest experince.

Man vibrating drunkenly clutching a foot long black dick. (a Rubber one)

Stumbled towards my virgin nose, chants of BIG BLACK COCK! BIG BLACK COCK! were the backing music to this shattering experience.

Im Not The Same.
Aroha

drank way too much boxed wine(goon) in Oz pre-festival, and passed out at the gate... ended up in hospital on a drip for the day... wowie.
knitevision

READING '08. so it's the last day and everyone's shit-faced and ready to burn stuff. i got bored of CSS and like a bum crashed out in someone else's tent not realising it was not mine, but someone neighbouring. i fell asleep before i'd realised that everyone had already started burning tents, chairs, sleeping bags etc. i woke up to my hair on fire and jumped out the tent screaming 'what the fuck is going on?!', at which lots of people i didnt recognise turned around and looked shocked to realise there was someone still in the tent they were burning. i looked behind me and half the tent had melted away, including the top of my sleeping bag and the top of my hair.
there's getting drunk then there's not knowing your head's on fire till it's very on fire.
Hugo

Some power-tripping drunk scottish security guard was giving us shit so i called him a cunt and he smacked me in the nose, cut my reading '08 band off and kicked me out. Prick.
boomting

i was more than happy to queue for an hour to meet panic at the disco and receive a pack of parma violets off them
matt

Reading 08, on the last night (riot night) me and my mates were running around watching the various explotions and tent burning/stealing, after a while we decided to check if our tents were still there. Instead of finding a pile of ash where a tent should be, i see a 40 odd something hippie taking a poo in my sausepan. When i asked him wtf, he merely grunted and threw my pan in the road and a small girl trod in it :)
Rio

YOU BETTER GIVE ME THOSE TICKETS OR I'LL CRY. AND YOU DON'T WANT TO BE BURDENED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THAT.
holly

when i was younger my parents took my brother and i to a small festival somewhere in scotland.
he liked running around naked, concequently, he got a blade of grass stuck in the eye of his little pink willy, it poked out a bit like a bullrush...
Vish

READING 2007 We were sitting around our teepee (sp?) at around 3 in the morning. Out of no where a bloke wearing a mask turned up. He just looked at us for ages, it was so surreal. My mate then got really angry and questioned him, he then started crying and ran away. I was confused.
SeanH

At Latitude last year, going At Latitude last year, going into the main area, some security arsehole searches me and finds a bag of shrooms, which are by now pretty minging from having defrosted. "What are these?" he demands, waving them at me. I think about chancing it, decide against and just tell him, "Shrooms". He glares at me and says, "Well, I don't know what those are, so you're lucky", gives 'em back to me and lets me in.
Lux

WE WERE SMOKING a joint just inside the huge open tent at Latitude 2007 when a security dude comes up to us. We look at each-other nervously when he crouches down and asks us that, since the smoking ban is now in effect, could we please hold our joint just a little further outside the tent.
Izquierdo

leeds festival some stupid asshole called me a posh wanker for recycling a can, i said, " ah man, thats cold" and he said "yeah so's your mammas bed", the stuoid asshole was wearing a man thong, his ass was flossing
Robert Davies

well.. i attended the small but lively festival called kendal calling last summer, on the second day dizzee rascall was lined up to play the main tent and after about an hours delay he came on. Drinking from the very moment we got in through the gates, everything from cider to shots, i was abit drunk,
me and a random uni student called bekki that had set up camp right next to us, also abit baked, heard the loud music from the main tent and realised dizzeee rascal had started, so we started pussing through the huge crouds in our tricky mission to head to the front. about 3 quaters of the way through (probably about half an hour later)
we encountered a fat emo girl, we tryed to push past her but she kept and pushing us back and getting reeeally angry to our ammusment, we kept on trying but no use. I then reallised that i reeeeally needed a piss and i shouted this at bekki, and she told me to take a piss on this girl, so i wapped it out and took a piss on her. by the end of my piss she started to realise and went bazzzzerkkkkkkkkkk tryin to hit us and what not, so we pushed back, after dizzee rascall had finished and me and bekki were day dreanming outside the tent, the girl had brought together an army of fat emo children and started chasing us, luckily we lost them, probably down to the obesity strain and didnt see them again for the rest of the festival
then for the rest of the night, to my friends abbbsoluteee annoyense i shouted 'i pissed on a bitch' Simultaneously at the top of my voice for about 3 hours, not only making we sound like an ogar by the end of the festival but making alortt of festival go-ers very anoyed

Rob
Sasha

Suspicious My friend Kat and her boyfriend Ben were sharing a tent together at Reading '08. Our friends, of course, put their tents close together. As a result, as very few tents are made of sound-proof canvas, it was possible to hear what people were saying/doing in their own tents from yours.
During the night when everyone had retired, Kat suddenly started getting cramps in her leg. Bad ones. So she was rolling around, crying in pain, panting, moaning, repeating 'oh my god' hundreds of times, and screaming 'please Ben make it stop, it hurts so much!'.
The next morning no-one could look them in the eye...
chic_geek

one time... ...after not having found my friends who i stupidly agreed to meet 'just inside the gates', there was no way in hell i would be able to find them, i walked off and i met these random lovely four lads in the drinks q.I pretty much mooched off them the whole day, don't get me wrong, they offered to pay for my various alcoholic beverages/fags/drugs so i just went along with it. Being 16 at the time i was, let's face it, relativly naieve...so after a day of recklessly abusing my body with all kinds of shit and 'dancing' (if you will) like a mad woman posessed i gladly abliged when they invited me back to their tent. When we got there i drunkely started getting off with one of them (not even the fit one) and we began undressing each other (as you do with someone you just met) and we 'got to it'...he then asked me to bark like a dog.....like seriously. Not even jokingly....he was quite aggressive in the way he said it, like he would hurt me if i didn't. In my state i got rather scared and didn't know what to do. So i just got up put my underware and shorts back on (i lost my top and all my other things) and just casually replyed "i'm more of a cat person"
i didn't know where the fuck i was going, but after i left i just kind of wandered about abit falling over gide ropes and getting slapped in the face by some guy (apparently i was a cheating whore called justine?) but after all that i found one of my mates near the toilets throwing up chunks of chips and we were re-united. So yeah. Goodtimes...? hahaa.
chipstick3125

MY FIRST GLASTONBURY EXPERIENCE was one to behold. the usual drinking and getting completely lost shit. but i'd have to say my highlight was waiting with my friend, on the barrier of the pyramid stage, to watch the killers (her choice and DEFINITELY not mine...believe that if you will). after waiting a good four hours because we "obviously wouldn't make it back here" if we left, my bladder started to fill on brothers. apparently, so did the lovely eastern european lady's next to me. after asking one on the charming security guards if she could leave and come back, and him declining, she wanted to know if she could use a cup...well of course she could. who would deny a lady a cup to piss in?! she took it, but didn't use it. instead she chose to piss on my welly! i suppose she wanted to make her own contribution to the mud situation. thankfully, my feet were cold and i quite enjoyed them being warmed up by a stranger's urine, so i didn't complain when she did it a further three times! how could i complain? i was waiting to watch the killers.
toast11

I instrumented and watched a wrestling match between two bananas.
Its amazing what pointing out "that guy has the same banana suit on as you" can do to a wasted banana xx
pikachu12

I lasted 5 seconds. New I lasted 5 seconds. New record.
the_bandwagon

FESTIVALTRADITIONS Now, seeing the glamourised world of festivals through the glossy pages of NME is very diffferent to swimming in a pile of human waste whilst Bloc Party are literally "tickling" your eardrums with their almighty whispers. Being new to all this me and my friends left our cosy homes feeling there were certain expectations that needed to be met when you go to a festival like reading._Breaking and entering into a randomers tent and awaiting their arrival fully nude was our first mistake. In all fairness, sex with strangers doesnt happen as much as we thought at festivals. Bummer. The fact that we were lying there all day was enough damage to our adolescent minds, the fact that some hooligans decided to literally rob the cover of the tent almost killed us. Then the horrified owner of the tent arrived. Some greased up bimbo this was not, for what greeted us was more of a fat bob geldof._Putting this unpleasantry into the past we remembered why we were here: rock and roll. Now, before we left for our journey of "self discovery", the main buzz word we heard was "drugs". Yep, at festivals EVERYONE takes drugs... Nu-huh. No they dont. Being the naive lost souls that we were, however, we were oblivious. We were also lightweights who thought a spliff was a hair-do. So we had our first E... Fat Bob Geldof was not happy that night. To make matters worse now security were hot on our trails and we were realising the rock'n'roll lifestyle was not all it cracked up to be. But we only had one more thing to do. Bottle a band. Now, if you're ever going to bottle a band i can only hand over one golden rule. DON'T MAKE IT THE HEADLINER. I personally wouldnt recommend bottling at all but we didnt want to go back home the same losers we were when we left. Our line of thinking was thus: get a bottle out to rapturous applause and partake in a good ol' communal glass shower. We never got to bottle The Killers in the end. We did, however get pounded to the floor by angry music fans and have the bottles shoved up our arse._Reading 2009... should be a right laugh.
frankiefmg-

I spent majority of the last night attempting to find a fire lighter so me and my friends could make one final fire. After an hour searching I thought I had finally found some help, then realised the man following me was probably more of a pedo trying to fool youths he was normal in his common topman shirt. He kept repeating in an incredibly unsubtle way that he "could light my fire any day". It was such a blatent fail at innuendo I cringed and had to leave, but during my attempt of escape (trying to lose him in mobs of intoxicated people) I found myself surrounded in a conga line of naked men - all of whom begun to circle me waving anything they could possibly wave in my face. Thanks Reading, I'm officially scarred. I think I'll stick to trashing the toilets next year.
Fred_Ward

At Glastonbury a couple of years ago, I was walking along one of the main roads through the dance area. As anyone who has been to this most kingly of festivals will know, the toilets are pretty horrible - essentially long, stagnant wells of all kinds bodily fluids. As I was passing through, one of the big sucker machines came around on one of its regular trips to take away all the defecation from a toilet right next to one of the dance tents. Now, this was late afternoon, so although the tent was not brimming with people, there was still a good hundred in there, dancing on happily as the poo-truck pulled up along side them. The guy controlling the sucker turned on the nozzle - and blew all the disgusting stuff into the tent. The people were caked in it, crying and screaming and all sorts. It was a pretty astonishing site, this rainbow watery crap flying through the air during the fifteen seconds it took for the man controlling the truck to switch it from "blow" to "suck".

This year, I'm not dancing.

xxX
supertramp

, My neighbour was having sex with a girl in his tent when suddenly I hear him go "SHITE! Its already 3 am, Mikas already on? Sorry love, get your skirt, you'll have to go"
liamhaynes

I slipped... ...Over in the VIP toilets in a puddle of piss left by the really fit one from Blood Red Shoes. X
tomas

my brother puked on billy corgans shoulder