Thursday 10th December

You know what I’ve realised.  We’ve been spending a while now in each other’s company and I don’t feel like I really know you properly.  Or that you really know me, and that’s not right, that is something which requires correcting. So I thought today I’d take the time to share a little bit about myself.  Obviously that’s going to be quite hard though, since this diary is secret, and the whole point is that I am supposed to be an enigma full of complex mystery.  That said, surely me talking you through my favourite shit isn’t a bad thing?  That can’t be too revealing…can it?

(This is the beginning of the end).

My favourite pizza topping is Hawaiian. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “that’s disgusting, fruit on a pizza, and it’s such a bastardisation of the centuries old Italian ideals behind Pizza, you cretin” and you would be right.  It’s really weird, even just thinking about it now it makes me feel a bit strange.  Some sweaty man opening a tin of pineapples sodden in their own juices, takes his big hairy hand, and fumbles awkwardly with a slice of pineapple before fingering it out and chopping it roughly.  It’s not right - what if there is some juice still dripping from the pineapple, making the dough and cheese all sticky.  Gross right? Nuh-uh, that shit is amazing.  It’s all the good stuff from when I was a child, i.e. pineapple and cheddar cheese chunks on cocktail sticks, melted onto some rich tomato sauce, and then sat happily next to a thick slice of ham.  I can’t imagine anything better.  Just remembering it now makes me hard. Judge all you like, I know my favourite pizza topping, and that makes me a confident man.

My favourite film of 2009 is ‘In The Loop’. As some of you might have guessed, I’m basically the youthful reincarnation of Mark Corrigan (if you don’t know what I’m talking about then you can bloody well google it yourself.  Which is such a fucking Corrigan thing to say).  That means I like watching ‘Have I Got News For You’, reading The Guardian, and wearing suits ALL THE TIME.  I’m joking.  I don’t read the Guardian.  I’m joking.  I only watch X Factor.  I’m joking I’m a nudist.  Anyway, my favourite TV show in the whole world ever, as of about a day ago, is ‘The Thick Of It’. People on Platform have written about it before, so I don’t want to start trudging through old mucky ground, but suffice to say - it’s incredible.  2009 saw the release of it’s spin off film, ‘In The Loop’, which actually made politics interesting and funny.  It was created by this guy Armando Iannucci, I don’t know what else he’s done, but he’s clearly a genius.

What I want to do with my life. This is a really weird time, because the last year or so I’ve had to actually decide what I want to study for two years, and also where I would possibly want to go to Uni.  That is, if I want to go to Uni.  Is there much point?  My Dad went and I think it’s part of why his head is so firmly stuffed up his anal cavity.  It instilled in him some belief that he was superior to Mum, who didn’t go.  And he’s been riding that misplaced confidence like a scabby donkey, as it slowly ambles into lameville and drops him on loser ground.  I guess I’d do something like English, and become a writer for some weird online lifestyle thing where I embarrass myself every week.  Oh no wait!  I’m already doing that!  Wow I have totally fulfilled all my dreams, why don’t I  just give up now?  In all seriousness, I never thought I’d be any good at this, not to assume that I am, but it wasn’t a big plan for my life or something.  I’m into History, but what career can I do with that?  Time Team? (All my opinions of jobs are based on their televisual representations of them).  I probably will end up going to Uni, probably in London, because I’m a predictable youth with little to no sense of adventure.

Annoying stuff I do. This is potentially very dangerous, but who gives, I’m sure a lot of people do the shit I do.  I say stuff all the time without thinking, which yes isn’t that unusual, but you should see me do it.  Sometimes it feels like there is no barrier between the immediacy of my thought on something, “that dress makes her look like a transvestite”, to me opening my mouth and blurting it.  Like vomiting out an embarrassing screaming mess of words onto someone.  I’ve told teachers I assumed they were gay, I’ve mentioned to my Mum that she’s putting on weight, I’ve even told a girl we should break up because she’s just not sexually attractive.  Shame I only do it when it’s really inappropriate, and never when I actually want to rip into someone so they know exactly how much I hate them.  Anyway.  I also get hit by these weird waves of arrogance, that are based on absolutely nothing, but just sort of take me over.  I suddenly get really cocky and obnoxious, and I know I’m being all those things, but I don’t know how to stop.  I also crack my fingers constantly and have started to call everyone ‘Mister’ which is just utterly vile.

Alright. You go.