Hi girls! I’m a boy, and as a boy, in the past I’ve tried to have my way with some of you, and for that I apologise. It can’t have been nice - me slobbering all over you, showing off and being a bit rude (that’s my technique).

If you’ve got a boyfriend at home or you’re just not interested in meeting someone, you might not want to have boys try to fuck you when you’re out on the town with the gals (or these days, if you’re just browsing a social networking website at home, thanks internets!). The thing is, sometimes boys are real sneaky about coming onto you and might do it in underhand ways that you won’t notice, or that you might pass off as friendship etc.

If you’ve got a boyfriend and you tell him about these ‘friendships’ he will get super mad and jealous and you won’t get why. You’ll turn on him and accuse him of being possessive and then there’ll be this whole brutal argument and you’ll both sort of hate each other by the end. If this happens loads it’ll tear the two of you asunder and then you’ll be alone, which is exactly what these male ‘friends’ want.

Your boyfriend is right though, those guys are trying to fuck you, albeit in a roundabout way. So to help you stay together with that guy who is actually pretty good to you, even if sometimes he’s too drunk to get it up and other times you have to pay for his food, I’m exposing a few techniques used by scumbags to get in your panties without you noticing.

(I think I’m mainly talking to girls aged 21 and under here, as by the time you’re 25 or so you’ve usually figured out the truth: that the entire male race are rapists who aren’t to be trusted)

Much older guy giving you bumps at a party

He’s 30, you’re 21 and you guys are really hitting it off as friends at a private view, he pretty much sees the world the same as you and he’s just being really generous. It was pretty clear you had a boyfriend/weren’t interested from the get-go, so he’s not trying that, he’s just a good guy and he’s up for sharing his stash with you because you seem like fun, right?

Wrong! He totally still wants to do you, and he’s using a combination of drugs and experience to bamboozle you into the sack! Is he mentioning his job loads? Does it sound important? It probably isn’t, it’s just the way he’s describing it to you to impress you because you’re young, you go to art school and all the boys you know work in sneaker shops!

Sure, he can afford to share his cocaine with you, but why do you think he buys it? To pick up dummies like you! Get smart kiddo!

The guy who used to try and fuck you but now just messages you a lot ‘cos he likes you as a person

Yeah, he used to try it all the time, there was one time he nearly got there when you were both really drunk, but your girlfriend kind of stopped it from happening by coming in the room and demanding you go home. Sure, maybe it would have happened back then, but that moment’s passed, you’re just friends, he invites you out to loads of cool parties because he’s a fun guy and he chats to you on AIM loads. Sure, he flirts, but it’s totally harmless.

Well honey, I’ve got news for you - he’s still trying to fuck you. Sure, he’s not being as proactive as he was, because you’ve got a boyfriend and he’s not going to waste his energy on you. But he’s still casually trying to slip it in because he’s bored at work, and well, if you come to one of these parties and get drunk enough after an argument with your boyfriend, he reckons it’ll probs happen. You’re so stupid that it probably will though.

The foreign guys in the takeaway restaurant who give you free stuff

Those guys down at the (insert foreign country) food place sure are friendly right? They’re always happy to see you, they ask how you’re doing and they always give you an extra pot of sauce and a free drink or whatever. Once you even didn’t have enough cash and they just gave you the whole thing for free! It basically proves how nice people from (insert foreign country) are and what a lovely melting pot this city is.

DOH! You are pretty dumb. You think back in (insert foreign country) they are friends with girls? In eastern Europe they still kidnap their wives from neighbouring villages and force them into a life of brutal servitude, in China any woman found voicing an opinion is given a hot steaming mug of shut the hell up and an abortion if it’s her second child, and the Middle East? Well, you’ve got a fair idea of what happens there.

So yeah, those guys aren’t your pals - they really, really want to fuck you because all their women stayed back home and you’re way hotter than them anyways because you’re allowed to wear make up and haven’t got calluses on your hands from working on a farm.

Your ex who you’re still friends with but gets mad when you cancel on him

It’s so great how even though you and Mark have been broken up for a few months, you guys are just hanging out all normal. It’s like you were always meant to be just friends, right? He’s so nice - he’s always there when you need him, he helps you with your shit still and even let you borrow that money!

The weird thing is, sometimes you cancel on him or mention other boys, and he gets really, really mad! It’s like he’s still a bit possessive and he wants to be best friends, which is kind of strange but mainly totes adorable, right?

Babes, you’re waaaay off the mark with Mark. He’s not your buddy, he’s still in love with you and it hurts his insides every time you talk about dating other people, you’re actually torturing him every time you agree to meet up with him, and are you kidding me with the money? In these situations I always think, part of this girl has gotta know what’s going on, but it turns out you guys have a total blind stop with treating exes right (the only way is to cut them off completely until they’ve proved they could give a shit if you lived or died, then start asking their advice on your new man).

Illegal minicab drivers who just want to get you home safe when you’re drunk

I think we all know the score with this one.


this should explain a few things: