The guilt trip do-gooder

‘I can still remember the day we rushed dad to A and E as he clutched his chest in agony. That was the day I vowed to fight coronary artery disease for the rest of my life’

The writer of this kind of junk is really clutching at straws here; their dad probably just had heartburn. They’re desperately hoping that the fact that they got an F in GCSE science and have only one A-level in home economics will be ignored and the university will invite them unconditionally to study medicine due to the fact that they’re such a little hero. These people tend to suggest later on that they intend to cure the world of AIDs on their forth-coming GAP year.

The extra-curricular exaggeration

‘I spent two years visiting a retirement home as community service where I really bonded with the residents’
i.e. I occasionally visit my Nan.

‘I play for the hockey, football, netball, le cross, cricket, rugby and athletics teams at my school’
i.e. They let me play uni-hock for the second team in a friendly match in year 7.

‘I did Duke of Edinburgh award’
i.e. I didn’t.

‘I love drama and I have been an important role in all school plays’
i.e. Last production I played the third tree.

The philosophical take

I want to ooze intelligence through my writing’
‘Sociology is like a vast ocean and I would like to sail across this vast ocean.’
‘History is like a jewel with many facets’
‘Geography is like an onion, it has so many layers that I would like to unpeel’

You’re not deep, you’re a dick and now every uni in the country knows it.

I’m being so obscure that I must be intelligent and interesting

‘A man in Vancouver, Canada, has discovered the hard way that listening to earphones in a thunderstorm can be a very bad idea. He was jogging while listening to an iPod, when he was struck by lightning. Life can be short. In my life I would like to study Economics at your uni.’

This is probably what The Mighty Boosh would opt for if applying to university. They might even draw a picture on the page.

I must be intelligent; I use long words

‘In actuality, I permanently endeavour to bestow the entirety of my person into everything I execute and every acquaintance I discern would acquiesce to the fact that I am an outstanding aspirant for this course curriculum.’

Well done, you can use thesaurus.

And never ever say this

‘I will give 110%’
It just doesn’t make mathematical sense.

The real shame is that these deceivers make those of us who actually have saved the world, found the cure for cancer and who can facilitate the use of distinguished vocabulary, look bad.