For a bunch of different reasons, I’ve haven’t done any drugs or had a drink in a year. I’ve had three slip-ups, but I don’t really count them.

The first was when I was working in Edinburgh just after I gave up, I was working at a video game convention with one of my best buddies, and we both fucking hate video games, so all we did was smoke weed all day and then on the last night I got really trashed on free beers, that was only, like, three weeks into me giving up and it was in another country so I don’t count that.

Then the second time was on new year’s day, I went to the pub and this girl I knew had about a million laughing gas canisters, so I did a few of them while I was drinking my lime soda (that’s what you drink if you’re sober). They don’t really count because it’s over so quick and it’s just for dentists and spraying cream.

The third time was on Friday, thanks to my new friends at, who sent us a load of herbal highs to try out. I’ve been curious about all this stuff for a while, and recently Spice has been in the news because it’s really fucking strong and as bad as skunk and blah blah.

The way I’ve been looking at it, because they’re legal and they’re not alcohol, they don’t really exist and therefore they don’t count against my spotless streak of sobriety, but I’ll also get off my face for the first time since July last year. Fellow sober person Lesley Arfin described a recent painkiller themed trip to the dentist as a ‘freebie’, and this is how I’m looking at this.

The coffeesh0p folks gave us four things, Druid’s Fantasy, Genie, Blowout Herbal Party Snuff and Hypnotic, which is basically: fake acid, fake weed, fake coke and fake Es.

On Friday we did the fake coke and the fake Es. We’ll do the other ones later this week. I feel bad stitching the coffeesh0p guys up because it was good of them to send us stuff and they obviously are pretty sure you can have a good time on all this. I guess we did a lot of stuff wrong in terms of vibe, and I know loads of people that this stuff has worked really well for.

The fake coke looks pretty real in this photo, but it was actually a lot finer than real coke, it was like flour or chalk. Jake got stuck into it. The guy from the CoffeeSh0p said this was quite mild. I guess it was, it made us pretty agitated, like 4 cups of coffee makes you agitated. THAT’S BECAUSE MAIN INGREDIENT IS CAFFEINE.  Doy. This was nothing like the real thing. At 4am if you were desperate this would keep you going for a bit. But as a livener at the beginning of the evening, I give it a thumbs down.We were pretty amped up and jittery cos of the coffee powder so we thought that doing some Es would get us all in that place where you sit really close to each other on the sofa and talk about the things we like most about each other, share stories, hug it out and then dance for 6 hours. At this point I really really hoped this was going to happen.

Here’s us dropping our Hypnotic Trance pills. I think we all had extremely high hopes at this point, and that sentiment is reflected in this photograph. It took about 20 minutes til we started to feel something, then Mark -on the right in this photo- got in a foul mood and went home.

We went up on the roof for a bit, we were feeling tingly but a bit warm all over, we felt like something was about to kick off, but in actual fact I think we’d peaked. Our arms felt pretty weak and floppy, but it felt like there was a lot of tension about to be released. We couldn’t understand why Mark had stropped off, and were sure he’d be back. We were wrong.