After calling up some friends who I hadn’t seen since wireless festival last year (possibly due to an unfortunate whitey whilst Morrissey was playing), I got another weed session planned. This time it was with two girls - Lucile and Emma, a pair of ‘cool kids’ who wear MC Hammer trousers, Ray-Bans and bring Staffordshire terriers to peoples houses. The location is a Harlesden garden fit with the trimmings that every Harlesdener needs (not shanks and crack pipes, but a chair and a workout bench).

When I met Emma when I was fourteen she told me I looked like the guy from Keane. Amazingly were still friends. Bad stuff happens to me when I’m around her - whiteys, nearly falling out of buses, throwing up - that sort of thing. Emma: “I remember at one of these raves I really wanted to stroke my hair and I forgot I didn’t have long hair anymore so I started stroking Lucile’s hair. It was great”.

My dog billy (the big one) doesn't get to see many bitches so he was close to jizzing on his tennis ball when tai (the small one) showed up.

Lucile (left) brings Staffordshire bull terriers to people’s houses. There’s nothing wrong with that, even if my Rhodesian ridgeback pooch did end up attempting fellatio with her dog.