For those of you who don’t know, truelad.com is the latest internet sensation to sweep laptops screens that are normally occupied by redtube or pornhub; that is, the screens of 14-30 year old men. It’s basically a message board where ‘lads’ post up stories boasting about how ‘laddy’ they are. The beauty of it is, that unlike chatroulette or other such voyeuristic internet sensations, there is no ‘cover story’ as to why this site exists. It exists partly to satisfy your lurid little expectations of the internet, and so it involves no pretense at all. Yep! That means absolutely zero chance that you might meet a 13 year old Mexican boy trying to make new friends from all over the world on truelad.com. What you’re left with instead is all the masturbating penises aimed directly at the camera, all the 40 year old men pulling moonies from under their pyjama bottoms, and all the overweight chubby girls showing their tits. Yes, all the fucking PURE GOLD that you want to come back for again and again.
If a definition of a ‘Lad’ is needed, let me provide one. The temptation is to consider them to be from the same stock as the American ‘Jock’. However, Jocks actually have a surprisingly ambitious streak that characterizes them, they reward success and sporting prowess; Lads do not. Lads watch sport, they don’t take part. And lads don’t care about winning, they are traditionally British in that sense, only not through a devotion to fair play, but in a capacity to take joy purely from upsetting other people. A Lad is an exclusively British character which I can’t imagine could exist in another culture. Imagine the beery, yobbish louts (cunts) that BBC news crews uses for archive footage when talking about binge drinking, and you’ve a fairly good idea of how a lad walks – with a can of beer, a shiny black shirt covering his excessive chest and a pair of oversize, distressed, bootcut denims dragging over his polished loafers. Again, the beauty with this character is the utter lack of pretense. They are cunts, they know it, and they are proud of it. It is this pride in ignorance and dedication to self-serving, ephemeral enjoyments that is the glue that holds all ‘lads’ together. (And if you aren’t a lad what are you?? A fackin’ poof or summin?? Or even worse, a girl??). Because yes, lad’s can also be quite clearly be defined by their misogyny.
The website invites viewers to either rate each contributing lad story as either a ‘Good Lad’ (thumbs up), or a ‘Shit Lad’ (thumbs down). It’s surprisingly exciting seeing what gains public approval and what doesn’t. The rule of thumb is, the more of a useless cunt you seem, the more likely you are to be a ‘Good Lad’.
Let’s have a look at some:
This is a classic example of the unlikely situations that ‘lads’ get themselves into (novices should note the admirable degree of self-deprecation). Who really pretends to be blind for a whole evening? Just think of the practicalities of this one – impossible. Still, any hole’s a goal!! Phwoar!, etc.
How many times do you whack your cock out for the lads? It sounds pretty regular. And why the fuck do they want to see it? Lads love cocks, I guess.
What, Blur?? Nah mate, we don’t like that poshboy artschool shit here. Lads love Oasis.
Sounds pretty gay to me.
It took about 3 readings to make sense of this, and I’m still not sure I understand (or believe) what’s described. Still, girls, eh?? They pretend they don’t, but they fackin’ love it don’t they??
Hahahaha, this one’s pretty good.
This one must be from some New Age Lad or something. What loser spends £600 on strippers in a night, and then when given the chance for sexual contact chooses to lick them out?? The point of paying for sex is that you don’t have to do things like eat pussy. This is a Shit Lad in my opinion.
There are some excellent (and most likely true) wanking stories.
If there’s one thing Lads love more than Oasis, hating on girls, and (apparently) giving oral sex, it’s telling stories where they can say the word ‘proceeded’ as many times as they like. They think it makes them sound clever and mischievous, when in reality it just outlines how stupid they really are. Still, being stupid is what Lads do – LADS LADS LADS!! (And by the way, there is no fucking chance this story is real.. picking locks?? Placing small webcams in bathrooms?? When have you ever seen a USB chord for a webcam long enough to fulfill its purpose in this story?? NEVER, because like most of the shit Lads say, it’s not fucking true.