After we featured a couple of weeks ago, the whole Lad World went a bit crazy and got carried away with itself.  The most potent example of this was Danny Dyer telling lads that if they’re girlfriends cheat you should slice her face up so no one wants her.  We soon found out that makes him a ‘Shit Lad’ as the newspapers went mad at him, saying he’s encouraging domestic abuse.  But if they knew much about Danny they’d know he’d ‘never do nuffink’ like that.  For a start he’s had the same girlfriend since he was a kid (shit lad), and obviously doesn’t do any of the things he talks about.  Have you seen him on those crappy programmes on Bravo??  He’s so out of his depth it’s untrue.

The erudite observer would realise that Danny is just one big bullshitting liar, like all lads, and just ignore him.  But what if we didn’t just ignore him?? What if we took every word he said as gospel?? In fact, what if Danny Dyer was God??

If Danny Dyer was God, the first thing he’d do would be make everything into the shape of cocks and balls, and boobs and bums and fannies.  Don’t get me wrong fella, he wouldn’t mess around with football or anything and make footballs into big inflatable boobies.  Just the boring things.  Like birthday cakes and candles.  He’d make all those things into big penises so that the ‘lads’, like him could make homophobic jokes about how uncomfortable he feels around such big cocks while at the same time making out he’s carrying something much heftier in his own pants.  The aim would be for women to get so desensitised to seeing penises that they might be fooled into playing with the penises of the lads – who for once might finally get laid.

Monkeys would be forced to multiply and become really common.  See, lads love monkeys.  They’re just like little lads of the animal kingdom.  They run around pestering other animals for sex, masturbating in front of their friends and smelling their fingers.  Their presence would desensitise the whole world to the behaviour of lads and would slowly make their antics seem ‘cute’, ‘funny’ and ‘harmless’ – as the lad already views it.  Once women become accustomed to such behaviour, ‘lads’ might finally get laid.

Women’s status would move from being figures of fun to actually just being sex objects.  Not mums though, because they love their mums, they do.  Only birds under 30.  Or other people’s mums.  You know, ones who could teach you a thing or two.  Once made entirely of silicone and unable to think or move for themselves, lads might finally stand a chance of getting laid half as much as they pretend they do.

All clothes would be made out of meat.  Lads love meat, and it’s a bit of a waste that so much of the animal product is wasted once the carcass has been gutted for cheap food products.  Sure, beef gives us leather, but leather’s a bit gay and lads don’t like gay stuff.  Pork gives us wool, but woolly jumpers are a bit gay too, and no lad wants to look like a mummy’s boys.  If Danny Dyer were God he would actually use the full on meat product to produce clothing.  Especially bacon, burgers and sausages, which are all lads’ favourite  foods.  Once all women were wearing clothes made of raw meat, they’d feel so uncomfortable, and hate the feeling of raw meat next to their skin (because birds hate meat, unlike lads!) they’d be forced to take their clothes off a lot more often.  And as they’d be naked a lot more often, lads might stand a chance of getting laid for once.

Boob jobs would be given to all women for free on the NHS.  ‘I wouldn’t mind paying my taxes if it were going towards a pair of them for every woman, eh??’.  Danny Dyer’s benevolent action to give all women big boobs would not just boost women’s self confidence, but the increased size of bras, and materials used would also give a ‘boost’(!!) to the economy.  The increased confidence that comes with a booming economy and having a big pair of norks would hopefully make birds so happy that they might surrender to the pestering lads who could finally get laid.

Lolcats would, instead of showing cute pictures of cats, feature images of animals having sex.  Girls would then have to sit and spend hours looking at images of the animal kingdom copulating.  The captions would be raunchy rather than cute, like ‘I can haz a creampie’, or ‘sucky cat likes it in her mouth’.  Once desensitised to sexual images, birds might be more likely to want sex themselves and lads might get laid for once.

And should any of these measures fail and the lads remained to not get laid even a mite as much as they make out they do, then they’d just be allowed to cut up the faces of the birds they want to sleep with and wouldn’t go to jail or anything.  Dannylujah!!