X-Factor Returns, As Does Cheryl Cole’s Lovely Face

Apart from the appalling weather we’ve been having lately the clearest indication that the Great British Summer is over is the return to our screens of X-Factor. The first sighting of that giant X on the horizon signals the inevitable countdown to Christmas as the wheels are set in motion for some dreary nobody to win the increasingly irrelevant race to the Christmas number 1.

Yep, it’s time to baton down the hatches, burn all your shorts and settle down for a long autumn/winter of smirking at provincial uggos who can’t sing a note but inexplicably think they’re awesome. Although, since they’ve started autotuning the contestants it’s getting hard to tell who’s good and who’s shit.

This latest move from the X-Factor production team - headed by Joseph Goebbels - sees a whole new level of manipulation and artifice enter an already fanciful set up. Luckily, while on the one hand the X-Factor team are playing with the line between fiction and reality, another aspect of the show remains a dazzling constant. That constant is the chirpy, ever so brave and almost painfully attractive Cheryl Cole.

Everyone loves Cheryl Cole; men, women, children, all animals and most plants. She’s the northern lass who done good. The Geordie Cinderella. I bet even that toilet attendant she beat up was thinking ‘oh my God, I’m being assaulted by the Cheryl Cole!’ even as Cheryl was punching her in the face and head. For me, Mrs Cole’s charm and charisma makes the X-Factor watchable. Especially now that the creaking set-ups and autotune have made the actual singing bits of the show seem irrelevant, I take pleasure from watching Cheryl react to things and just be generally lovely.

Here are some of Cheryl’s best faces from episode 1.

1. Happy

2. Sad

3. Amused

4. Bemused

5. Excited

6. Exhausted

7. Japanese

8. Empathetic

9. Vacant

10. Demure

11. Personable

12. Simple

13. ‘It’s a yes from me’

14. Adorable

15. Malaria chic

And if you put all of those pictures and more together as an animation it looks like this…

Just like the X-Factor, you have the power to decide if ‘The Many Faces Of Cheryl Cole’ becomes a regular feature. I would suggest you vote for ‘no’, because compiling it meant I had to watch the show two whole times - this is something no one should do. Nevertheless, X-Factor itself is on every Saturday night from now until the end of time.

But fans of trashy ITV programming should take heart from the fact that a new series of Take Me Out is due to start soon. They surely can’t ruin that flawless format can they? Either way I’ll see you at Fernando’s.


  • OHLAWDAMERCY August 23, 2010 at 5:00 pm

    whatevz, she would get a bone.

  • blutarsky August 24, 2010 at 4:17 am

    i hate watching x-factor, i just scream cunt cunt cunt at the tv until the neighbours bang on the walls

  • Bumwily August 24, 2010 at 1:00 pm


  • lynn August 24, 2010 at 9:14 pm


  • Leonard August 25, 2010 at 9:21 am

    I heard she hit a prostitute.

  • worst witch August 25, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    stopped reading at “Jordie”

  • Beverleyknight August 29, 2010 at 12:12 am

    i gave a good ole hearty lol at this.

    I like you Mark Fountain.


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