Black Swan: Aronofsky At The Ballet

Unfortunately, Darren Aronofsky’s new film Black Swan is not about a black man killing a swan. It’s actually about Ballet. I’ve only ever seen one film on the subject of ballet and that was Martin Scorsese’s wet-dream The Red Shoes, made by Powell & Pressburger. It was beautiful-so high hopes for this one.

Aronofsky isn’t a film-maker I particularly love. Sure I quite liked The Wrestler, but the only thing unconventional about it was Mickey Rourke’s arresting performance. Zing! Pi is distinctly mehhh and I’ve yet to see the supposedly not-for-the-faint-hearted drugs-odyssey Requiem for a Dream.

This new film stars gorgeousness-and-gorgeousity made flesh, Natalie Portman in the lead role. Isn’t she lovely? Perhaps the only saving grace of George Lucas’s misguided Star Wars prequels, she managed the exact same feat when she single-handedly saved Zach Braff’s inconsequential and infinitely overrated Garden State from being ‘pure excrement on celluloid’. (Big love to my bwoiii Mastracci for that one.)

Where as The Red Shoes aimed to bring ballet to the silver screen, Black Swan, a stylish-psychological thriller, seems to have used it as a means of exploring the darker depths of the Portman character. With the life-and-death struggle depicted in the dance story reflecting her descent into mental illness.

It didn’t take much razor-sharp perceptive deduction, after viewing the (insert ominous adjectives here) trailer, to work out that Portman is a bit fucking insane here. I mean what’s going on with her back?!?!? She’s got it worse than even these poor fucks.

Macaulay Culkin’s clunge, Mila Kunis, co stars as a rival ballerina. According to the Venice Film Festival reviews, (which have btw-been excellent) Portman feels intimidated and undermined by Kunis as she herself canny play the Black Swan effectively. Pfft I think old Nat forgot that this is the girl getting Michael Jackson’s sloppy seconds. But anyway she decides to have lesbian sex with Kunis and go rouge in order to fully realise her dark passion. As you do like. Mr. Darren clearly understands that doing a Woody Allen is generally an efficient way to get people to come and see your movie.

So if an intriguing premise, a beautiful black and white colour scheme, the aforementioned girl-on-girl, some mad-exciting talent and a genuinely chilling trailer aren’t enough to get you hot for this one—- check ya pulse blud.

Oh and guess who else is in it? Vincent fucking Cassel - that’s right! Who else?

Show comments (5) / Post a comment
  • trump.
    This is more a review of the trailer, rather than a preview of the film. But I ain't madatcha.
  • As strange as it sounds, (I've learnt this during my brief tenure as a Platform contributor) that's a fact I should probably savour.
  • Oh of course-- Shit that's fucking insane. In truth I just used that as a set up for some linkage-based-lulz.
  • Bigfatham
    Hey no worries, sorry about the aggressive comment
  • anon
    are you seriously telling me that you don't know what is going on with her back? The clue is in the fucking name.
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Sofia Coppola is a bona fide genius. She crafts immaculate mood pieces using a dreamily lyrical approach. Basically, if you watch ‘Lost in Translation’ and you just ‘get’ it, you’ll fall instantly in love with the unexpectedly hot auteur. There’s nothing pretentious about it, you cynical fucks.

Coppola’s career has had its ups and downs. The Virgin Suicides was a shit-hot début. It flaunted her gorgeous visual aesthetic, showed off her flair for soundtracks (the poor-man’s Daft Punk done good) and proved that you don’t have to be The Wachowski Brother’s to effectively use green tint. However, being an adaptation, the film was somewhat stunted. After that we got the masterpiece and last but least, with her most recent picture, the chic bore.

In 2010 she’s treating us to a new film. It’s called ‘Somewhere’. It has a decidedly lovely poster and a predictable-yet utterly amazing trailer. A tonal sequel to Lost in Translation you say? Rehashing her own back catalogue on only her fourth film you say? Well fuck you haters! No, TBF-those two points are perfectly valid observations but with a Phoenix soundtrack, Steven Dorff (yeah bitches!!!) and the prospect of another hipster tale of excess, I ain’t complaining.

The Dorff stars as a jaded actor bonding with his estranged daughter, Ellie Fanning. But as always with Coppola, plot synopsis and trailers are totally ineffectual at representing the film. She’s all about delicate pacing and the resulting moments.

So here are some pretty pictures to wet your appetites and please-please-pleeeeeeease be excited about this. If you aren’t, I hope aptly you die by your own hands a virgin you soulless prick.

I’m Still Here

As any of you who have seen director Michael Winterbottom’s divisive, Alba-Bashing flop The Killer Inside Me will attest to, Casey Affleck is one cool motherfucker. Desperate to keep his suave-as cult reputation alive, Casey has chosen his next project wisely. I’m Still Here, a mockumentary mockmenting the lost year of Joaquin Phoenix, will be Affleck’s directorial début. Maybe it’s a little premature to use the term mockumentary when for all I know Phoenix’s well publicised fall from grace, in which the actor quit his day job in order to peruse a career as an MC, is as genuine as his portrayal of J-Cash in ‘Walk the Line’. But for now I’m gonna say elaborate hoax.

One thing however that is making me doubt myself is a recent report in the Los Angeles Times, which puzzles over the real/not real debate. John Horn, who wrote the piece, met with film distributors who have seen a raw cut of the picture and they admit that they have no fucking idea. But what threw me off most was the content we’re promised. (I have to say it does sound convincing.)

“The film overflowed with Hollywood debauchery, including more male frontal nudity than you’d find in some gay porn films and a stomach-turning sequence in which someone feuding with Phoenix defecates on the actor while he’s asleep”

Yummy eh?!?! All in all I think the scepticism surrounding the authenticity of the film’s content will make it all the more compelling as a viewing experience. And with Joaquin reportedly ’snorting cocaine, ordering call girls, having oral sex with a publicist, treating his assistants abusively and rapping badly.’ I’m sure there will be plenty to talk about once the credits roll.

With sex, shit and (maybe some high concept) satire, ‘I’m Still Here’ sounds promising. In an age where it takes some seriously fucked up shit to shock people, the movie seems totally zeitgeisty. Though provocative as it sounds, I’m sure when it is finally released (September 10th in the US) most of you hipsters-in-the-know will only be concerned with its placing on Ultra Culture’s patented Daily Mail sick-flith-o-meter. I’m gonna start the bets off by guessing a 9.

Additional info: A teaser trailer has just been released and it’s fucking class. Jokey-pretentious monologues FTW!


I’ve also read that director Casey Affleck is being sued for sexual harassment by the film’s female producer and cinematographer. Oh Casey you charmer you.

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