Like what seems to be an increasingly small percentage of Platform’s contributors, I’m still living ‘at home’ (big up my art school foundation year massive) and for the past two and a half years, said home has been in Putney, South West London.

Invariably described as ‘leafy’ in every London guide book ever fucking published, Putney is much more than your average middle-class suburb, as you will discover when you follow the amazingly exciting walking tour I’ve devised! The route itself took me about 2.5 hours to walk so I guess it’s unlikely that many of you are going to actually do it, but I bet you were all willing to spend the same amount of time watching Christopher Nolan’s frankly not-great Inception this weekend, so it’s all relative.

Printed Google Maps at the ready, let’s begin!

Tucked away behind a hedgerow sits the unassuming blue signage (and quirky elephant logo) of a secondary school whose music department has given rise to Hot Chip, Four Tet, Burial, The XX, The Maccabees and, more than likely, everybody else who played at Glastonbury this year.

And as if that weren’t enough, they filmed the ending of Love bloody Actually there too.

Putney has two record shops: a small badly-stocked HMV and the strangely out of place Soul Brother Records: a small box full of jazz music next to a row of newsagents. I’ve only been in there about twice but this tiny photo of the two guys who run it with jazz singer Leon Thomas is easily enough to get them on to this list:

This Somerfield has a fair bit of local notoriety for being just about the only place in Putney that’s open later than 11pm.

It closes at midnight (5pm on Sundays). Mental.

The ‘Fresh’ fish and chip shop on Upper Richmond Road is hands down the greatest fish and chip shop on the planet. Feel free to flood the comments section with ‘NAHH MY FISH AND CHIP SHOP IS BETTER’-style retorts but be warned: you can only be very, very wrong.

Apart from anything else, check out that mad wavy font.

In a similar vein, everybody likes to think that their Nandos is somehow better than all the other Nandos, but you haven’t even been to Nandos until you’ve been to the one in Putney.

Outdoor seating! Plants! An amazing upstairs area! And no distinction between the tap water glasses and the unlimited refill glasses, so essentially FREE COKE AND FANTA MIX ALL NIGHT.

Hidden behind a wooden door marked only by a small brass plaque, Putney’s only club is, according to its website, ‘The Ultimate Party Venue’. The same website also contains a humourous list of ‘upcoming events’, showing the same two club nights Fusion and Therapy on alternating nights from now until the end of time.

The photo on the left of this paragraph shows (L to R) a Foxtons, a Savills, a Winkworth, a Warren, a Gascoigne-Pees, a Douglas & Gordon, a Lauristons and a Hamptons. There are almost as many on the other side of the street.

All taking up valuable space where Putney could have a second Nandos.

One road in Putney has four Laundrettes on it. I’ve never seen anyone inside any of them, I’ve never seen anyone working in any of them, I’ve never even seen any of the machines in use.

I can only assume that they’re laundering more than just clothes, if you know what I mean.

*wink wink*

I refuse to believe that there is a more middle-class place on Earth than ‘West Putney’ (the grid of streets between the High Street and Barnes). Where else can you turn up on a random Sunday afternoon to take some photos and find all the inhabitants of a street having a neighbourhood fête?

Still, it’s easy to be cynical but I actually found the whole thing quite endearing, especially when they offered me a bottle of Peroni and some M&S chocolately mini-bites just for walking through. Brills.

I spent about half an hour wandering around trying to find the sycamore tree that Marc Bolan crashed into on the 16th September 1977. There’s some kind of shrine somewhere, but I couldn’t find it so I took a picture of this clearing instead. It’s pretty close I think.

Pretty too.

Apparently ‘local children’ sometimes break in to Putney’s long-abandoned hospital and smash shit up.

Sounds like something from an allegorical novella.

This is absolutely amazing. Author David McKee, who created Mr. Benn (a.k.a. the greatest TV show in the history of everything ever) lived at 54 Festing Road in Putney, and decided to situate his greatest creation next door in 52 (whilst also renaming the street ‘Festive Road’ for the lulz).

Even after forty years, the resemblance is pretty sharp, as you can see if you skip to 1:22 on that video linked above.

The most exciting thing about this pub, which supposedly played host to The Rolling Stones, The Who, U2 and Elvis Costello once upon a time, is that it was also the location of Kate Bush’s first. ever. public. gig. And if that’s not a claim to fame, I don’t know what is.

Nowadays you’re more likely to see a performance by Putney’s second hippest resident, Jamie Archer from The X-Factor. And if you’re wondering who he could possibly be second to, look no further.

FUN FACT #1: Putney Bridge is the only bridge in the world with a church at either end.

FUN FACT #2: One of those churches is where they filmed the original Omen.

It doesn’t get better than that.

Sure, it may be the most polluted high street in Britain, and the fifth most boring in London, but where else has five (count ‘em) incredible charity shops AND a Ryness?

Google put Wally there when they launched Street View in the UK, and the world hasn’t looked back since.

Did I mention we’re on a flight path?

Imagine a cinema with three of shittest screens in London, surround sound that rumbles as soon as you switch it on, a programme of films that came out months ago, and seats that cost a fortune because they’re ‘Premiere Seating’.

There’s no need to imagine, because Putney Odeon is open for service.

To be fair, the staff are pretty dope.

Because it’s where this happened:

Behind this door lies one of the most significant musical locations in London. Not because it’s where Cheryl Cole rehearses for her live performances (although that is amazing), not because I always see big gangs of middle aged men with long hair hanging around outside, but because of this photograph from Alex James’ autobiography.

The Normanby may look like your average overpriced ‘gastropub’ but it also has one particularly unusual feature and that’s that it’s Johnny Rotten’s local. If you think he sold out in those butter adverts, wait until you’ve seen him sat outside this place a couple of times.

(Not that I haven’t been there myself on more than one occasion - lovely burgers.)

We finish our tour on what is essentially a rumour. As the legend goes, a certain floppy haired actor (this one) bought two houses on this unbelievably expensive road that backs onto the river, and then knocked down the intervening walls to turn them into one big SUPERHOUSE.

It might all be lies, but that doesn’t stop me from lingering slightly every time I pass by, hopelessly trying to catch a glimpse of the man himself. Hasn’t happened yet.

If you enjoyed this tour (and let’s face it: who wouldn’t?) then why not write your own guide to your area? I can’t promise Platform will print it - after all, it might be even worse than this one - but you can always make some photocopies and hand them out to your friends.

And don’t forget to ‘like’ the shit out of this post down below so I can get some props from the bigwigs over at Platform HQ, which incidentally is over on the other side of London in Hackney. Trendy for sure, but have they got the star of Mickey Blue Eyes living around the corner? I think not.