After the mild reception of that thing what I done wrote and that about those bitches on the interwebs with sand in their vaginas, I began to think what if they were right? What if I just was being insensitive all the fucking time without realising? Was I the one being a dick?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no Richard Littlejohn, you won’t see me claiming to smell the heavy hand of Brussels behind Scrabble rule changes (follow him on twitter, it’s fucking amazing) but being a contentious citizen requires effort and I’m just not into that. So, I began to re-examine everything I’ve ever loved through the eyes of someone who cares about shit and let what’s left of my liberal guilt take over.

Check it bitches.

Why it’s wicked (bad)

Even the superstars of dancehall like Beenie Man, Vybz Kartel and Elephant Man have violent lyrics that incite the murder of homosexuals, which fosters and legitimises homophobia in a society where gay sex is still illegal. And homophobia is just not on really.

Why it’s the wickedest ting
I truly love dancehall in spite of all its faults.  Remember that time you were at that party and you were kinda drunk and horny but striking out but then out of nowhere the DJ dropped ‘Dutty Whine’? Remember how girls lost their shit and started whining their booty on the nearest dick like an infinitely better version of musical chairs? You’d be hard pressed to find a song that could drop panties any faster, that’s because you won’t find the zeal and vitality that characterises dancehall anywhere else. I don’t think any other genre could get me singing ‘I AM NOT AFRAID TO SHOOT A BATTYBWOI’ whilst making me feel fucking great about singing it.

Cheap clothing/Primark
Why it’s wicked

I never shop at Primark because the disparity between the choice for men and women is fucking ridiculous. You can go in there at any time of year and it’s the same brown and beige plaid shirt with some annoying random stenciling over it, anything even half decent probably has some retarded stenciling or a TOYKO RACING 1986 badge sewn on the sleeves. It’s like The Officers Club all over again.

Oh and they use child labour. The pressure that Primark puts on its Indian suppliers to “deliver fast fashion at rock-bottom prices has made sweatshop labour inevitable”.

Why it’s the wickedest ting
Ask a woman. But if you’re a guy you probably know it’s the bomb for shit like underwear (they stock far too much Simpsons merchandise though, if you bought Simpsons boxers you’re probably a dick), socks and vests. Seriously, how the fuck is Topman allowed to charge £20 for a fucking plain vest? A fucking vest? Is it made from the ball hairs from leprechauns? The fuck outta here with that shit.

DJ Khaled
Why he’s wicked

He’s not black and he’s dropping ‘N’ bombs left right and centre. It’s unacceptable to use such a term if you’re not black; even then it’s not right. It’s one of the most offensive words in the English language.

Why he’s the wickedest ting
You can actually drop the ‘N’ bomb if you’re not black; you just have to remember not to use it around actual black people (ethnics get more leeway with this). Also remember to use ‘nigga’ instead of ‘nigger’, because if someone gets really offended it’s easier to pass it off as extreme humour.

Also have you ever actually heard latest DJ Khaled album? It’s fucking incredible. It’s like the album your parents want you to listen to, all the songs on it are about achieving your goals through working hard (grindin’) in the form of crunk bangers.

Snog Marry Avoid
Why it’s wicked

The programme follows the tired ‘make over show’ formula but the twist is, it’s a ‘make under show’. OMG AMAZE. It’s a programme that’s offensive on numerous levels but the worst thing is that the whole show’s premise hinges on the fact a woman’s worth and value is inextricably tied to her looks. Poor slappers with low self-esteem from small provincial towns are carted out for us to titter at and then you get the pleasure of watching clips of men slagging them off on national television based on their image alone. After this they get ‘made under’ which usually means putting them in a banal purple Monsoon dress, black tights and dying their hair brunette (I don’t know what’s more offensive, the underlying sentiment of the programme or the styling?). The make-under doesn’t actually ‘fix’ anything, the reason she had her tits out in the first place was to distract people from seeing the tears coming out of the bitches eyes because she’s empty inside and is forever going to be chasing an impossible standard of beauty.

Just as annoying is the fact that chubby Goths never get made under because they fight with POD for their ‘individuality’. For fucks sakes, if your going to make all the women that you ‘make under’ look like a boring homogeneous mass of bland pastel dresses, at least give the bitches that-really-do-look-like-shit makeovers.

Why it’s the wickedest ting
It is the best fucking show on television ever. I’m fucking obsessed. ‘Snog Marry Avoid’ is just so damn entertaining, it’s like the BBC have distilled every bawdy MTV reality show into its most pure form. It has everything you want from a trashy reality show: Kerazy characters, public humiliation, ability to place judgements quickly, people at their most vulnerable, emotions leading to tears and the uplifting reunion at the end of each make under where their mum/best friend/other half tells them they look much better without ‘all that make up’ (Not true 70% of the time).

I can’t recommend it enough, I know it’s aimed at women and stuff but seriously guys you need to iPlayer that shit. It’s like reading your sister’s Glamour magazine without the fear of being found out and being made fun of for a week.

Fried Chicken
Why it’s wicked
The chicken that comes with a meal that costs £2.20 is definitely going to have had the shittiest life ever. They’re battery farmed, pumped full of hormones to plump them up as fast as possible, which means they break their legs under their own weight and are generally treated like shit. It’s just a guy fucking them to death shy of animal cruelty at it’s worst.

Why it’s the wickedest ting
Have you ever had a Morleys? It’s fucking amazing. I don’t know what kind of culinary sorcerer they have back there but it’s magical. I’m pretty sure the cruelty makes it more delicious or something.

Why it’s wicked

The proceeds from Cocaine money goes to the hands of guerrilla groups and drug cartels that are the root causes of: political instability, subjugation of the poor/farmers, a ridiculous amount murders, using up farm land that could be used to harvest food, drug addiction and cocaine related deaths. There are a shit load of reasons why it’s pretty awful stuff.

Why it’s the wickedest ting
It’s easily the best drug out there. Weed, Ketamine and psychedelic’s aren’t really sociable drugs, MDMA is alright if you can get it and don’t mind being a sweaty nonce that wants to hug everyone. That just leaves coke, which makes you feel like you’re having a really really awesome heart-attack.

Not giving a fuck about Palestine
Why it’s wicked
People are dying! People are getting displaced! Something about Israel doing douche shit! Something about how it’s unfair! How can you be so heartless!?!

Why it’s the wickedest ting
I just really don’t give a fuck.