Just got back from the septic tank that is my gene pool. I notice something different every time I go there. This time it was violence.

You know when you’re walking around Boston and you get these looks where you realize, “Everyone in this entire town wants to fight me”? Well, it’s that way in Glasgow but “everyone” includes old ladies, babies and dogs. Even the buildings want to fight you.

The local paper had two journalists follow around the cops for 24 hours. They were privy to five attempted murders and 32 serious assaults. And by “serious” they mean facial slashings. That’s right, cutting someone’s fucking face. When do you want to cut someone’s face? I don’t even want to slash Osama Bin Laden’s face. I’d like to punch him in the stomach. In the most recent Batman we’re supposed to gasp when we hear The Joker had either end of his mouth cut with a knife. In Glasgow, that’s a bad Friday night. It’s even got a name “The Glasgow Smile” (to be headbutted is a “Glasgow kiss”).

This is a typical headline from a totally different edition of the Scottish Sun. Glasgow used to be the industrial center of the world and now there is not one job. Imagine Detroit if nobody left. It’s just bored, huge workers with nothing to do but drink and maim.

Like, check this ad out. Ever heard of women in bikinis? No thanks, we’d rather use a guy who looks like he’d kill you because that’s the kind of thing that appeals to Glaswegians. Violence is Sex to them — and it sells.

Even the cartoons on souvenir shirts want to kick your ass.

Saw this lovingly framed in a Glasgow pub. I guess someone longs for the days when you’d carry a club around called a “lifesaver.” The Glasgow Criminal Museum is a sight to behold and includes everything from dozens of confiscated weapons to a nose that was bitten off in a fight.

But it’s not ONLY about violence over there. The local news also has women farting on your face. Inside we learn that she never thought this would be her “career” but she is, get this, PROUD of what she does. Her husband and “lover” also support her. They were pictured sitting next to her on the couch. The lover (a dude) had a parrot on his shoulder. (Cue Springsteen’s “My Hometown.”)

Scotland still has class up its ass but in Glasgow it’s all about Catholic vs Protestant; The former seen as Irish trash and the latter seen as the true Scots. This split is strongest in the soccer scene where Catholics support Celtics and Protestants support Rangers. Everyone hates the English with a passion but the Protestants wave Union Jack flags and are all Free Masons just because it seems like an anti-Catholic thing to do. Sort of how Canadians will do anything that seems un-American even if that includes jumping off a bridge.

A big family secret is our name used to be McGuinnes but my Irish grandfather changed it to the more Protestant McInnes because he was a bookie and nobody would trust an Irishman. My cousins and I like to rub it in the elders’ faces by going to Celtic bars and wearing green. I like being on the underdog team but the part where they give a flying fuck about The Pope gets annoying. I honestly care more about what Yoda has to say than some dying old homo in a pretend city.

Africanboy - One Day I went To Lidl

Scotland likes to pretend it’s independent of Britain but it’s just another province, like England, like Wales… like Ontario and Saskatchewan. They kind of have their own money and a make-believe parliament but BBC Scotland is done in English accents and they all share the same gossip, which is: A professional soccer player fucked a prostitute and his fiancé is mad, and something about Big Brother and something about X-Factor.

Everyone in Europe adores Hello and thoroughly enjoys seeing TV presenters lounging casually around their beautiful homes. This guy was in a car crash but couldn’t resist throwing a wee scarf on his neck brace to show you he’s still the same old whatshisname. I laughed at this picture for about a day.

England’s love of inclusive multiculturalism has bled up North and they don’t pull any punches. Where we will have one token Cosby mulatto in every photo, they never go lighter than the darkest Kenyan around. And that’s just the beginning. How about no right hand? The show after this had only retarded kids. Then there was a show about how you can be whatever you want and the host draws himself as a pirate, an astronaut and a female ballerina in a tutu. I have no problem with my kids looking at black gimp retard drag queens while I’m brushing my teeth but British kids must get freaked out when they meet a normal person.

Here’s a rant where a CONSERVATIVE author says we SHOULD be using tax dollars to have prostitutes fuck the handicapped. (I thought I invented the ALL CAPS thing but apparently the Scots have been screaming this for quite some time).

Here’s a doozie: A guy tells a woman, “You English blood need to get yourselves back down the road.” He gets charged with racism (huh!?) and if sentenced, “may not be able to travel to certain countries abroad.” The judge dropped the charges because he’s not completely insane but what the fuck is this law please? If you call some guy a Tico does that mean you can never go to Costa Rica again? What about Nicaragua and Panama? There’s no way this crazy law has ever been enforced but I would love to see the list of countries associated with each racial slur. What do you have to say to be banned from Guyana for example? It doesn’t really have one dominant race. That would be funny if all the racists ended up vacationing there because it was the only country left on their permission slip.

Only in Scotland could you love a people who drove flaming cars into your airport as long as they promise to keep hating the English.

No, it is not an urban myth.

Anti-cocaine campaign that threatened horrors like nose bleeds. This is in a city where having your face cut off is a minor inconvenience.

So THAT’S where Coolio’s been hiding. He’s been on Big Brother with a bunch of washed up UK celebrities. I actually watched him on this and he’s so stupid they only tuned into his conversations about 5% of the time. He was almost always trying to get into young girls’ pants who, for some reason, were not that interested in a 47-year-old they’d never heard of. It was sad. After the show was done he got busted coming home with a pile of crack. Way to go, dad!

It was cool to see the “Kings of Lyon” were playing.

And finally, blew off some steam at the Glasgow airport by shooting at a plane and killing terrorists. Nice choice of game.