In between stalking profile photos of girls who have ‘become a fan’ of Platform on Facebook I’ve taken some time out to read some of the readers comments on here and all I’ve got to say is, harden the fuck up.

I will attempt to address one comment I hazily remember about the all the articles being so negative all the time. I only bring that up because it gives me a vague introduction to this article, which is about giving mad love to those few crazy diamonds that shine on despite being criminally underrated or overlooked. Actually, I made up the part about reading your comments. I don’t give enough of a fuck to read any comments that aren’t posted on anything that I didn’t write (I’m an egomaniac like Zoe from Junior Apprentice, we’re destined to fuck).

It’s really great to shit on people that don’t deserve it, but I’m going to finally give the mad props that are due to the kind of people that command about as much respect and devotion as supply teachers. I even trawled through their IMDB pages to find quotes on their message boards that are amazing. If you disagree with anything on here then you’re a butthead.



Yeah, this picture happened.

Nicholas Cage
I really don’t understand guys who think Al Pacino even comes close to being one of the greatest actors of all time. I bet they’re the same shit people who vote in Channel 4 polls for top 100 shows, drink Carlsberg, have a poster of Homer Simpson smoking a spliff on their wall and forward BBC World News pages to their friends about ‘this fella in Somalia that’s married a goat’ thinking it’s the height of comedy. Fuck those guys, they don’t know shit. Nicolas Cage shits all over Al Pacino, not only did he put in work like ultra-serious credible dramas like Rumblefish, Raising Arizona and Wild At Heart that caused critics to shit the bed (a.k.a movies I don’t give a fuck about) but in 1997 he went on to star in the two greatest films of all time: Face/Off and Con Air. Even with John Woo channelling his inner Michael Bay by adopting the ‘if in doubt throw a random action sequence on that bitch’ school of film-making, but in just the first 5 minutes of the Face/Off you’re treated to Nicolas Cage in the dodgiest fake moustache in cinematic history and his character in a priest’s costume feeling up a gospel choir girl. Badman antics.

He was also great in the first half hour of Snake Eyes, OK in Gone In 60 Seconds and the best thing about Matchstick Men. They’re all great watchable films but seeing him let loose Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans (which for my money improves on Abel Ferrara’s original) just cemented his place in my heart. If you don’t like his films then you’re a pretentious dick who doesn’t like enjoyment for the sake of being different. Eat a dick.

Best IMDB Board comment:
“He should drink himself to death.
And so should I,for that matter…

by Huangdi

Katie Price aka Jordan
I know what you’re thinking, “but she’s like totally the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with the world! She’s only famous for getting her baps out”, which is exactly why she’s great. She’s made millions of pounds yet has no discernible talents whatsoever, average looks at best and a completely repugnant personality. How much of a hustler do you have to be to find success despite all of these natural set-backs thrown at you? I’m sure you’re at least good at one thing but she doesn’t even have that and she can still afford to buy a plane and fly over starving children in third world countries and drop off Subway vouchers just for the lulz.

Best IMDB Board Comment:
“They WILL understand, in time! Imagine how proud they’ll feel when they first comprehend - fully - that they are children of a legend! They’re blessed!

And her face looks amazing from where I’m sitting; as does the rest of her body! Katie is like a cyclone: her presence commands attention! Don’t blame her for the fact that the public can’t get enough of the Pricey!”

by novasigma

Luis Guzmán/Danny Trejo
Luis Yep. It’s those guys. They’re the same guys you’ve seen in just about every film you’ve ever seen but never knew the name of. From their breakout roles as Mexican Gangster #4 to career highlight’s such as Puerto Rican Thug #1, they’ve played every single remotely South American/Latino character in recent Hollywood history and for that they deserve plaudits for the length of time they’ve kept the cartel going.

Best IMDB Board Comment:
“He’s (Luis Guzmán) so dumb!! When he talks, he sounds like he’s slow! He is SO annoying! He even acts like he’s gay!! I don’t see how this guy became famous!!”

by meganspice86

Michael McIntyre
The only reason people hate him is because he’s a super successful comedian who doesn’t swear, looks like a downie and has family friendly material. I don’t care if he doesn’t do biting satire or clever jokes; he’s funny, and that should be the end of it but I hear people shitting on him because of his over the top style and delivery. C’mon now, are you really trying to shit on the guy for being able to tell a fucking joke? The only really heinous crime he’s committed in his life is being a Tottenham Spurs fan.

Best IMDB Board Comment:
“…I don’t get it.”

by Shmunkey

50 Cent
Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ is one of the best hip-hop albums ever made. Prove me wrong.

Best IMDB Board comment:
“If 50 is so concerned about his masculinity and about how he hates gays then why the hell his is going into the film world? It’s more than likely that he’ll come into contact (haha..) with gay people day-to-day when working in the movies, yet he still portrays this thug-macho gangsta when it comes to his music. It just proves that this dude is just playing on his image to get more money off brainless suckers… or he’s just a closet case along with Busta Rhymes and DMX.”

by Im-not-your-friend-guy

Brian Levant
Ever watched a really shitty film and wondered who keeps making all these shitty films? It’s this guy. His IMDB filmography reads like a Empire magazine poll for the shittiest films ever made but I’ll leave it down to my man Mohammed Epstein (I’m still trying to figure out if that’s his real name and if it’s a Muslim guy with a Jewish second name or a Jew with a Islamic first name) to kick some real knowledge, get learned:

Best IMDB Board comment:
“Okay, all you anti-family movie snobs out there! SCREW YOU!
Brian Levant consistently delivers the goods on crowd-pleasing funtime movies. His movies are fun, pleasant, provide a entertaining diversion to the crappy world we live in.
As far as I’m concerned, as well as the many people he has entertained, he gets a free pass to heaven… or nirvana… or whatever the heck kind of reward he believes in.”

by mohammedepstein

New Edition
It’s a shame a group that counts some of the most talented male vocalists ever will only ever be known in the United Kingdom for their single ‘Candy Girl’, which is like having first class honours in Physics but only ever being remembered for that drawing of a dog you did in play school (which your still secretly kinda proud of). You only have to look at their body of work outside of ‘New Edition’ to see how good they were:  Ronnie DeVoe,  Ricky Bell and Michael Bivins went on to form ‘Bell Biv DeVoe’, one of the most successful New Jack Swing groups of all time, Ralph Tresvant and Johnny Gill went on to have successful solo careers and Bobby Brown went on to become the world’s greatest man alive.

Let me take you on a youtube journey of their discography to show you why they should be your favourite band of all time:

Popcorn Love (1983)
The third single to be released from the ‘Candy Girl’ album and they seem to be milking the whole ‘food + Love = Hit’ formula a bit here but it’s slept on banger that eclipses ‘Candy Girl’ for cutesy sugary loved up kids vocals.

Cool It Now (1984)
Easily my favourite New Edition track ever. On a side note; isn’t the video just the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen?

Kinda Girls We Like (1985)
Never mind what the year in the title of youtube video, it’s incorrect. Whilst it was released as a single, it scraped into 87 in the US R&B chart with little promotion from the label. Which is a shame because it’s a great track that sounds like it could be a ironic gay anthem.

Count Me Out (1985)
Another adorable little ditty where little Ralphie Tresvant shuns his bredgins for some pussy. It seems excusable the first time but twice Ralph? C’mon son, you should be old enough by know to know it’s bros over hoes.

A Little Bit Of Love (Is All it Takes) (1986)
Whilst little Bobby Brown took co-lead vocals on this single. He’d actually been kicked out the band a year earlier just for being Bobby. It also has a really addictive Roland TB-303 sounding bassline.

Once In A Lifetime Groove (1986)
Perhaps the most slept on of all of New Edition’s bangers, a single from the soundtrack of completely forgotten black/white buddy cop duo action comedy Running Scared. I’m intrigued enough by the prospect of Billy Crystal bussin’ his 9 gauge in white tights in the inexplicably high quality upload of the trailer on youtube to want to watch it.

It’s completely inexcusable that the gay community didn’t adopt this as a gay house anthem as it sounds like it really could have been produced by Farley Jackmaster Funk.

If It Isn’t Love (1988)
The departure of Bobby Brown and the introduction of Johnny Gill on ‘Heart Break‘ saw New Edition go down more of grown & sexy sound. If hairy male chest cleavage could be write a hit R&B single, it would write this.

Can You Stand The Rain (1988)
A classic. A certified lighters in the air anthem but also the signal of the end. After this it kinda all goes down hill for me. If you sing this tune to girls without a condom on they instantly get pregnant. Fact.

Well, that about wraps up this love-fest. Now why don’t you fuck off.