Have you ever thought that sometimes people write into Agony Aunt columns, just to boast? Every so often I see a letter that goes like “Dear Jane, when my boyfriend makes love to me, I often get carried away. I cannot seem to control myself, often screaming, and crying out, regardless of who might be listening. I have at least ten orgasms a night, and often, I am too tired to go to work the next day. Am I normal?”

She might as well have added. “My boyfriend also drives a Lamborghini Diablo and when he goes for a shit, gold coins come out his arse.” Just once, I’d like Jane to reply. “Dear Reader. I would tell you to go and fuck yourself, but you’d probably enjoy it too much. So instead, I hope a tree falls on you. Best wishes, Jane.”

Or how about the men? “Dear Deirdre, I have an embarrassing sexual problem. Put simply, my penis is too large. It measures eleven inches in length, and about six inches in diameter. I have no trouble getting girls, as I am absolutely gorgeous, and I have an amazing personality and have never once been called a wife-beating rapist over the tanoy service in Tesco extra. But, once I get as far as undressing, they recoil in horror, telling me that I’m “not putting that thing in me!”. I’m at my wits end. Will I ever find a girl who can handle my horselike cock?”

I mean, what is that shit? Some sort of bizarre Lonely Hearts advert? Is he hoping that women will read it, and then write to the newspaper, seeking his phone number?
“Dear Deirdre, I was reading your column the other day, when I noticed a letter from a man who had a problem, where he felt that his penis was too massive for a woman to be able to take. Well, I’d just like to say, he just hasn’t met the right woman ! I myself, have a vagina reminiscent of a Tardis, (although it’s had more than nine doctors inside it). Due to years of being an absolute slut, I would say I am perfectly capable of taking his gargantuan cock. Please, could you pass on my mobile telephone number to the gentleman in question? Regards”

Saying that, The Agony Aunt universe is always fair to both sexes, no matter who is in the wrong. In no way at all, is it biased towards women. Just look at these two typical cases:

“Dear Jane. I love my boyfriend very much, but I cannot stop cheating on him. He works three jobs, as I am a lazy bitch, and prefer to stay at home in my pants, watching Jeremy Kyle and eating chicken. I go out and sleep with a different man every weekend, and often, they are my boyfriend’s friends. Or his brother. Or his dad. Just yesterday I had sex with a police horse in Hyde park, while he was asleep (my husband, not the horse). And next week, I am seriously thinking of fucking one of the Jonas brothers. I feel so dirty and ashamed. What should I do?”

“Dear reader, you are not to blame. Your selfish pig of a boyfriend has obviously driven you to these little indiscretions, by ignoring you, and spending all of his time out working three jobs, without a care or a thought for his poor, suffering girlfriend. With any luck, you will have given him herpes, or worse, which will certainly teach him a valuable lesson. My advice is to get out of this abusive, controlling relationship, before he ends up killing you.”

“Dear Deirdre, I love my girlfriend very much. I would do anything for her. Recently though, my world came crashing down around me, when I found out that she had been cheating on me with my brother. I was devastated to say the least, and went out on a bender for several hours. I ended up with a girl I found puking up cherry Lambrini down a back alley in kings cross. She seemed really up for it, but even as drunk as I was, and as angry, and wanting to inflict revenge, I couldn’t go through with it. I love my girlfriend too much, even after everything she has done to me. I just ended up kissing this girl for about two minutes, then I made my excuses and left. My girlfriend knows nothing about it, should I just let sleeping dogs lie, or should I come clean to her about it?”

“Dear Scum, of course you should tell her, you bastard. I know you may have been upset about your girlfriends little fling, but what you did was inexcusable. Not only should you tell her everything, about you and that slut, you should go somewhere quiet and kill yourself. Hang yourself, take some pills, slit your own throat, whatever it takes, just do it. Because kissing another woman behind your girlfriends back, is simply unforgivable. She probably only had her harmless, two year fling with your brother because she sometimes thought you were going to hit her. Because of that angry look you had in your eye, once. In 2005. R.I.P. you prick.”

WORDS: LOUISE HAYNES - www.poplockandrop.blogspot.com