Last week saw Steve Jobs don his black turtle neck, long sleeve t-shirt thing (where can you even buy those things?? They seem to be a status symbol exclusively within the social sphere of architects and graphic designers – people whose jobs are supposed to be really cool but are actually just as boring as all other office jobs) and tell us that our lives are going to be completely and utterly transformed in the next few months by the big iPod Touch that they’re releasing and calling an iPad.

There was a big hubbub on the internet, with ‘gossip’ about what might happen in the run up to this announcement and then loads of talk and photos about the iPad afterwards, so everyone who looks at the internet thought it must be a really big deal and it even became one of the main 4 headlines on the BBC 6 o’clock News. Except that it really isn’t a big deal at all. Everyone should know by now that the internet exists only for people with too much time on their hands to kill time and talk shit.  Real news is really gnarly stuff like people dying or children being abducted, not the launch of a new device that will make it easier to surf the web while you’re taking a shit.

The new iPad is just the latest in their long line of over-rated and over priced accessories for the world’s cunts.  They even make adverts about how ‘people who use PCs are fucking squares and wouldn’t understand the cool kind of shit we Mac users get up to’.  What, like, watching Red Tube, going on chat roulette and jerking off like every other person in the world does with their laptop?? Give me a break. The spendthrifts who buy Apple products are precisely the kind of morons who give admen wet dreams because they’re so easy to part with their cash in aide of trying to look like the Big Man on Campus.

It’s time for a few myths to be thoroughly debunked about Macs.

1. They’re easy to use.
They really aren’t. Using Macs at Platform has been the most confusing experience of my life. I’ve been using PCs for years and never had a problem knowing how to use them. Want to copy that file??  Want to get all those hundreds of files in some sort of order??  Want to have little preview images of all those photos??  Yep, just right-click and select what you want. Easy. Why the fuck doesn’t that function exist on Macs? Instead everything lives in little columns, in no order whatsoever, and don’t even plan on flicking through some photos quickly.  Oh no!  You’ll have to select them all and then drag them into iPhoto, which takes ages. Seriously, what a piece of shit.

2. They never break
Bollocks. Everyone I know who has a Mac has had problems with it. If the CD drive doesn’t break, or the hard drive doesn’t wipe itself for no reason, then just give it a few years and watch has the whole computer self-destructs so you have to buy a new one. In all my years of using PCs I’ve never had a problem I couldn’t fix just by pressing F5 and starting up in Safe mode and messing around for a bit. And at least they have the honesty to slowly clog up with viruses giving you good warning of when it will simply become too slow to use.

3. They can do everything a PC can do and more.
The internet has changed. Its main function these days is to steal things you used to have to pay for. Macs don’t let you do this as well as a PC. If you want to watch live Premiership football at 3 o’clock on a Saturday, a brand new Hollywood blockbuster, or watch satellite TV on your laptop you’ll be fucking lucky to do so on your Mac, but you’ll have a million ways to do so on a PC. PCs = the computer of the future.

What’s more, Macs are expensive as hell. Even the cheapest ones are pretty much a grand. Which I guess is a pretty good for a laptop… FIFTEEN YEARS AGO. You can get a decent laptop for like £300 these days. And as much as you might like to pretend you’re a multi-tasking photographer / DJ / Video artist so NEED a Mac, you can do all those things just as well on a PC because you’re a fucking amateur and aren’t rendering hour long films in HD like the people who really do need them, in which case you’d have one of those massive desktop things and not the cheapest laptop they make. Christ!

All of which has made me realise that if you own a bottom of the range MacBook (the Porsche Boxter of the range) you are most likely a pretentious cunt. I mean really, like, exactly the same sort of cunt who used to strap electrical tape around their ankles when they were playing football as a kid, or would buy a pair of trainers just for running in, or spend over £5 on a pair of sunglasses.

I realise now why Steve Jobs wears those black turtle neck long sleeve t-shirts – because he is exactly the sort of proper graphic / product designer guy who need Macs for their job. He belongs in that sort of outfit. It’s as essential a combination as greasy Italian men wearing Armani Exchange, or manual labourers having red eyes and noses.  In fact I’d say that if you have a Mac and don’t wear creepy long sleeved t-shirts you’re a fucking poser, you definitely don’t need a Mac and should go and get fucked.