I have had Chlamydia two times. I am not ashamed of that in the least. It might be best not to imply publicly that I am proud of it, either, but I’m not ashamed. Nor should you be, if and when it happens to you. That is because Chlamydia is pretty chill, as are most STDs. At least, except for HIV – which straight people are not likely to get except under certain circumstances – and genital warts. But other, more justifiable, reasons for not being ashamed are that shame often leads people to be assholes, and that you weren’t even necessarily stupid or a slut to get it in the first place. But more of that later.

I have no idea, really. The first time I got Chlamydia was in San Francisco, 2007. The second time I got Chlamydia was in London, 2009. In neither case did I have any symptoms whatsoever. Well, in a way, I did. Wikipedia lists the symptoms of Chlamydia, but it is missing what is often the most crucial one: “Girls texting you saying you gave them Chlamydia.”

What do you do now? Well, you’re not sure yet that you have Chlamydia, really, because all you know is that you were having unprotected sex at some point with someone who now has Chlamydia. But, you should stop having sex and go to a clinic, soon.

This can be a really fun way to spend a morning. You can feel like you are doing something good for yourself and your community (of lovers), because if you do indeed have it they will clear it up immediately, and you are going to tell everyone you’ve been fucking lately.

Homerton Hospital has a drop-in sexual health clinic open most week days, and you just have to sit there an hour and chill with cool Africans and watch weird TV. In my case the programme was some weird Scottish guy fixing up some house in Essex. You could also just go to your GP, but I don’t have one of those because I’m American.

As you wait in the clinic, or wait to go to the clinic, you should not be afraid to find out that you do indeed have Chlamydia. 1. Because you probably do anyways, so get over it and 2. Because Chlamydia doesn’t really have consequences, as long as you catch it.

Most men don’t get symptoms. If they do, I hear they’re quite annoying, but not so bad. If they don’t, nothing happens.

Many women also don’t get symptoms. If they do, I hear they’re quite annoying, but not so bad. If they don’t, this can be a problem. If girls have Chlamydia for a while – most people say two years, but let’s make it one, just to be safe – damage can be done to your reproductive organs. So, if you are a girl and are fucking dirtball Americans, that just means you should go get tested once a year. Doesn’t seem like a huge price to pay.

This is the best part. You tell the doctor that you’ve been exposed to Chlamydia. After a short speech in which he or she perhaps chastises you (in my case, this happened in London and not San Francisco – it is boring), you get great news: They are going to give you one pill, right now. You take that, and if you had the clap, it will be gone in three days. If you didn’t, whatever. You’ll take an STD test, of course, but by the time you find out if you had Chlamydia, it will be gone. Amazing! Perhaps I shouldn’t admit this here, but this made me much more lax about sexual safety.

Then right after this moment (in 2007 in San Francisco) I got another piece of uplifting news:

“Do you want to have an HIV test as well?”

“Um, I guess, probably should, yeah.”

“Have you had sex with a man?”


“Have you done drugs with needles?”


“OK, then you’re not at risk for HIV and we’re not gonna test you.”

One should always err on the side of safety, and every time since I’ve gotten the HIV test, but the fact that a public sexual health worker – albeit probably a shitty one – would

even say this, in San Francisco of all places, tells you how likely you are to get AIDS. This, again, made me feel much more nonchalant about sex. Maybe that’s why I got Chlamydia again.

You have to tell everyone
I suppose you only have to tell sexual partners, but I just prefer to tell everyone I talk to. I am not joking. I have done this, each time. Those who know me can confirm this. That is because this is not a big deal, and making it a big deal means people don’t tell other people, which is the only way this gets fucked up. Also it’s kinda funny.

I’ve asked around a bit and I’m pretty sure no one ever admits to other people that they gave them Chlamydia. No one did to me, and it seems fairly clear that someone I was boning must have found out they had Chlamydia and decided not to tell me. I’m pretty sure that’s because they thought I would care, or be upset with them, which I would not. Now, maybe the people you think you might have given Chlamydia to are not as chill with things as I am, but in the end they will realise you were being nice by letting them know.

Also there is a good trick to avoid having them get mad at you: pretend they gave it to you. Hey, maybe they did.

The polite way to handle this situation is via a mass text. It can be a bit of an awkward conversation so there’s no need to call. The last time I got Chlamydia I found out through a phone call, which caused unnecessary discomfort. She rang and said “Salvador, can we talk about something kind of serious about the other night?”

I was just thinking, “Fuck fuck fuck fuck what is she pregnant or something? Fuck fuck fuck.” When she told me it was just Chlamydia I was so relieved I think I actually laughed, which I suppose wasn’t very nice. Oh, and she probably wasn’t pregnant because ejaculating inside a girl’s vagina that is not on birth control is fucked up. That’s for retards. It’s fun to just skeet skeet on them anyways, so don’t take that chance. You do not want to either be a parent or a baby killer. There is a reason that idiots are all the people with teenage pregnancies. It’s because they’re too fucking retarded to just pull out and make it rain on that ho. Duh!

In any case, no person I have ever told has ever been upset with me. This is because it’s pretty easy to explain that they took the exact same risk you did, and for all you know they gave it to you. And, you are clearly doing an uncomfortable thing for their benefit by telling them.

Most girls have thanked me. Like, really earnestly thanked me. And in no case did it make anyone less likely to have sex with me. This includes when I’ve talked about it at parties for no fucking reason.

You weren’t even stupid anyways
It follows from pretty crystal-clear logic that since I’ve had Chlamydia, and I’m not stupid, you don’t have to be stupid to get Chlamydia. And while of course it’s best to use condoms or just not have sex to avoid STDs or pregnancy, it’s good to delineate the differences between actual risks if you’re going to be fucking around.

HIV comes from blood. That means you’re likely to get it if you share a needle with someone, or have anal sex – especially if you’re the receiving partner. That’s because there’s often tearage in the rectum. That’s why HIV has been most common among gay men. I’m astonished how often people don’t know this. It’s not because they fuck around a lot or God hates them or something stupid. Everyone knows that gay men are cooler than straight dudes, especially God. They’re more at risk for HIV because their sex sometimes involves a little bit of blood.

If you swallow the cum of someone with HIV, you’re probably not gonna get it. If you have vaginal sex with someone with HIV, you’re quite likely not to get it. Of course, you could, especially if you do it a lot, but the odds are a fraction of those for anal sex or needles. If you have loads of anal sex, gay or straight, you should probably either use a condom or make sure your partner doesn’t have HIV.

Oh yeah don’t share a toothbrush with anyone! That shit is almost as bad as sharing a needle. Everyone bleeds a little when they brush their teeth so don’t do that shit! If I had to choose between fucking a girl with HIV or sharing a toothbrush with her, I’d go with fucking. Better odds. Bottom line: you should be scared of HIV, I guess, but much more so if you do it in the butt or do heroin all the time. Also don’t do heroin that’s retarded.

Herpes sucks really bad and is really fucking scary. That is the thing I am most scared of. It is gross and you can’t cure it. You can suppress the outbreaks, but there’s no cure. That sucks real bad. And guess what! You can even get it when you use a condom! You are more likely to get it during an outbreak, though, so if there is like weird sores and shit all over the dude’s dick maybe just watch a movie and make out or something.

Holy fuck man what would I do if I got herpes? Would I have to never have sex again? Fuck.

The other STDs you are likely to get – Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis – are easily treatable. There is nothing you can do about HPV, which you already have anyways, so it’s best not to think about it and hope you don’t get cervical cancer. This is not a problem if you don’t have a cervix.

I am not advocating unprotected sex. Though, if you look at every sentence in this article other than that last one, you may come to the conclusion that I pretty much am, but that’s your problem, I guess.

The point is, if it happens, get tested every so often. Not least because it’s not even scary and unless you’re a gay man, you’re unlikely to find out you have something horrible. And if you find out you have something, don’t freak out about it, and make sure to tell everyone you’ve been getting busy with. Not a big deal. Unless you find out you have herpes, then flip out.

Don’t cum up in a vagina unless you want a baby. Like I said this can be just as fun outside the va-jay-jay. If you are a girl and fucking an idiot, maybe let him cum in your mouth or on your face or something stupid (actually letting him cum in your mouth is not stupid – do that) so he won’t give you a child. Actually if you are fucking an idiot, don’t.

Fuck me instead. I’m clean at the moment.