Being an immigrant is hard. You have to deal with new food and new customs and there’s all kinds of hidden inconveniences you don’t realize until you get there.

I’m from Scotland and my people are used to eating oats in the freezing rain. America is full of pollen and bugs and all kinds of airborne wee beasties. I didn’t know what asthma was until I got here and now I wear my inhaler like a medallion around my neck.

My face is also a big problem. In the United Kingdom, I have a perfectly normal chin. Next to Prince Charles I look like Jay Leno. But in America Jay Leno looks like Prince Charles. Every actor on television looks like they glued a butt plug to the bottom of their face so when a British person walks into the room they assume a worm learned how to walk.

Nowhere is this incompatibility more apparent than with the American Moustache Institute. It never occurred to them someone could have no chin so when they see a beard paired up with a moustache they assume your wife made you do it and call it “The spousal compromise.” I have been trying to fight this racist rule since its inception and eventually had to send them this video as a wake up call.

They pooh poohed its significance and told me they weren’t going to change their mind. Imagine my surprise, then, when I noticed from their Tweets, that the head of the AMI was in New York. I confronted him about his prejudice and he was completely blown away. Check it out…

Shortly after this, in a statement from the AMI, the president was quoted as saying, “Due to recent events and basic pressure from our followers, we are considering revising the beard rule. Please stay tuned for further updates.”

These fuckers chased us out a quarter of a century ago and are having a lot of trouble letting us back in. I’m fighting them every step of the way and soon it will be safe for you to come over.

Be patient my Limey brethren. We’re close.