Summer Dance Party

Hi folks! It’s summer and there’s not a damn thing you can do about it! Prepare for three months of feeling guilty for staying inside in the daytime, hating your job the most ever, sitting on roofs, summer dresses and pale skin going red.

Here’s 9 great ways to fuck off the internet for three months and do things with your friends in real life.

Download Summer Dance Party (right click, save as)

Don’t Fear The Reaper - Blue Oyster Cult
At dusk, drive to the top of a hill that overlooks your hometown with a group of your old friends. Play music real loud out of the car. Drink all the beer and smoke all the shitty small town-quality weed you can get (the type of shit that burns your throat but doesn’t get you crazy high), talk about old times, make out with your first ever girlfriend, settle some old scores and wonder why you left this place in the first place. Then drive home at dawn, it’s dangerous cos you’re high, but it’s a real thrill.

06 (Don’t Fear) The Reaper

Birthday – Sugarcubes
Get really into your girl or boy. They’re really good to you and they look great in their swimming costume. They’re your ticket to a whole other set of house parties. They’re going to look after you when you take too many drugs at some horrible field party or festival. You can go on cheap package holidays and try not to kill each other. You can have bbqs for two and all that stuff. In the winter your other half is there to offer comfort and solace, in the summer they’re meant to amplify fun by 2.

03 Birthday

Locals Only – Surf Punks
Get to the seaside, find a peer or a cliff, climb to the highest point of them and hurl yourself into the water below. About three really stupid kids died doing this last year or maybe the year before, so why do it? Do it because it’s a fucking blast! Those kids were being jocks about it and trying to outdo each other, but if you just do it because it’s a laugh it’s called ‘being alive’. The initial rush of adrenaline as your feet leave the platform, combined your body’s reaction to the cold water (I’m not sure what chemical impulses are at play here, but it makes you feel amazing) make you pop your head out of the water after the first jump with a shrill ‘woop’, that reminds you that you hate city living.

01 Locals Only

Mother And Child Reunion – Paul Simon
Go on a road trip (in the UK that’s anything over a 4 hour drive, no?) with a group of people you didn’t know that well til recently, maybe the other underlings and peons at your job that you’ve only been at for 6 months. Drive with the windows down and sing along to songs and make stop offs near fields to take a piss, then get drunk in a Travelodge bar at night (when you not staying there for work, those places are a blast). Go to the place the purpose of your roadtrip was to get to, enjoy yourselves, then come back the way you came, stopping off at small town bars all the way home. There’s something about this (not ‘something’ really, just an enforced enclosed space, a common purpose, sunshine, songs everyone know the words to, drugs and alcohol) that makes everyone on the trip friends for life.

01 Mother and Child Reunion

Guns N Roses – Night Train
Book a holiday to the states or somewhere a fucking long way away. Then get a plane that sets off early evening. As soon as you get on the plane, start drinking beers, eat peanuts, watch TV with your buddy and push through til landing. The excitement of the impending holiday, plus the watery airline beer and the altitude will make everything seem fun, and if you’re not told to calm down by at the cabin crew at least once, you’re not doing it right. Then when you get off the plane it’ll be 3am for your brain but mid-evening in your new country’s time, so you can keep getting wasted even though it’s a weeknight, then you fall asleep at the correct time for the country you’re in, and boom: no jet lag.


Heavy Water/I’d Rather Be Sleeping – Grouper
Stay on a beach all day, not most of the day, but from 10am onwards. As the sun goes down, it’ll cool off (doye) and you’ll have to light a fire and put on a sweatshirt. Then start drinking booze. Be sure to keep your legs uncovered so the sunburn, the heat of the fire and the cool of the sand intermingle with the inner warmth created by the booze – you can picture that feeling, right? It’s amazing. Then, just when you’re almost too drunk for it to be safe, go for a swim in the sea. Swim breaststroke real slow out as far as you can (until the edge of the bay is usually safest), then look back on the shore. All the lights from the land will look tiny and flickering, and you’ll be reminded of how tiny and insignificant your stupid little life is compared to the mighty power of the ocean and stuff. It sounds like hippy bullshit but it’ll blow your mind and make all your worries seem really small for a few days afterward.

02 Heavy Water_I’d Rather Be Sleeping

Confidential Player - Big Moe
Do that thing that Tuvshin showed us how to do the other day, but in the sunshine. You’d think it wouldn’t work but there’s a reason it’s the flustered housewives’ choice all over the UK right now. We drank of it mixed with Sprite the other day in the office (it was disgusting, not sickly sweet like real drank is supposed to be, but we don’t get the right sort of cough mixture here in the UK) and it slowed everything down (including our hearts), it was like being stoned without having to think too deeply on things. We were indoors on a miserable day, but in the sunshine I bet it really makes perfect sense.

02 Confidential Playa ft. Z-Ro, Tyte Eyez, & Ronnie Spencer

Spoiled Brats - Nunfuckers
Hang out with some kids. Yep. You heard. Hang out with some under 10s, they’re a blast in the sunshine - they’ve got water guns that shit all over the water guns you had when you were a kid. Have you seen the Supersoakers available on the market these days? They are fucking ridiculous. To put it in real firearm terms, we had muskets and they’ve got something like this. There’s even one that you fill with ice so that the water is extra cold when it hits you.

11 Spoiled Brats

And then there’s this one:

Cum fights!!!

Vinum Sabbathi – Electric Wizard
Have a barbeque with some people who like metal! Not people who like metal and do illustration for fashion magazines, people who like metal and work in warehouses in your home town. You know- the friends you ditched when you left for art school. Because even though they still cut their baggy jeans off well below the knee and wear big skateboard shoes like it’s 1999, they like meat and beer way more than their fashionable contemporaries and they think ambient black metal is shit. Getting toasted with these guys is like getting toasted with a group of people who throw plastic garden chairs around Barrett Homes gardens when they’re drunk, make those spliffs with two heads and puke down themselves loads.

01 Vinum Sabbathi

Download Summer Dance Party (right click, save as)

  • toteshotnineteenyearoldgirl

    Robert Foster is THE man. His descriptions are so accurate in illustrating the delicacies of transient moments of our youth. That, and he totes sounds like an american fratboy that's watched dazed and confused one too many times. Either way, RF you're a ten. xx


    Hey there Bob.

  • palms

    this got me excited even though I'm from brisbane and it's winter

  • Frittering Away The Summer Party - PLATFORM

    [...] Stumble This Hi folks! It’s summer and our beloved chubby funster Robert Foster has already shown you 9 great ways you can frolic in the sunshine with your pals this  summer - all set to a [...]

  • Summer Of Hate Soundtrack - PLATFORM

    [...] Stumble This The last few weeks I’ve seen postings from Platform regulars like this one and this one extolling the virtues of this fairest of seasons. Frankly, neither came close to true [...]

  • hookersoncrack

    One of the finest piece of bloggerature I came across in a long time. Simply brilliant

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Frittering Away The Summer Party - PLATFORM
2010-06-30 11:27:51
[...] Stumble This Hi folks! It’s summer and our beloved chubby funster Robert Foster has already shown you 9 great ways you can frolic in the sunshine with your pals this  summer - all set to a [...]
Summer Of Hate Soundtrack - PLATFORM
2010-07-08 11:04:22
[...] Stumble This The last few weeks I’ve seen postings from Platform regulars like this one and this one extolling the virtues of this fairest of seasons. Frankly, neither came close to true [...]

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