The threesome. Commonly interpreted by film directors worldwide as the holy mountain of holy fucking awesome sex. Hot and horny mega dynamite fucking. Often involving tight celestial bodies playing human origami on glistening silk sheets; not a wet patch, pube-in-tooth or spunk stain for miles. Think American Psycho, Wild Things, that fucking stupid but very aesthetically pleasing Barcelona film where all Woody’s woody dreams come true and Penelope and Scarlett finally get it on.
But yeah, as great as these nuggets of silver screen sexual perfection are; we all know deep down that in the real world, the tangible, achievable flesh and blood threesome is never going to live up to the Hollywood wet dream. Regardless, as human nature seemingly determines there’s still something that compels many to tread the mucky path of polygamy and have a shot at a sexual romp with three or four or more involved.
Whilst the majority in sober hindsight do return (genitals intact / moral integrity slightly ruffled) to toss the experience into the “been there, done that, tick that fucker off the list”, bag there’s always one sicko who gets a kick out of the intrinsic ‘wrongness’ of a real life ménage a trios.
This week we talk to a bona fide fan of the authentic, honest threesome. Complete with multiple cocks, crying girls, cocaine-fuelled insecurities, make shift lube and moth nibbled student furniture.
Before he shares his stories – lets re-cap with a few vitals, essential to surviving the reality of spontaneous girl on girl on boy on boy on girl action.
1. Be single
2. Be wasted
3. Have a very ‘loose’ set of life morals
4. Have very ‘loose’ standards regarding those people / activities involved
5. If you’re a girl, be ‘loose’
6. Don’t be a girl
Keep these golden rules in mind and the door lies open to unsexy, unpolished, sloppy, soiled, cock in the eye jizz in the ear sex. If that’s what turns you on…
Threesome story no 1.
“I was at a party at some random dude’s house with a load of mates and this girl called Annie that I’d been fucking for a little while. We all took a load of ecstasy and Annie started talking to this 18 year old girl that my mate Dean had pulled the night before ….
My memory of the next hour or so is patchy, just flashes of scenes, limbs everywhere… Kneeling on the floor fucking Annie from behind while she goes down on the other chick who’s got Dean’s cock down her throat, lying on the sofa with my fingers up one of the girls arseholes while they 69 each other, being in my room with the girls lying on their backs, ankles round their ears and Dean and I taking turns fucking each one, swapping back and forth.
Dean pulled his dick out of his date and bolted all over her belly. He thought it’d be funny to rub his hand in the jizz and wipe some on my cheek, so I punched him square in the mouth, splitting his lip, still with my knob in Annie. I remember him wiping at his bleeding mouth with his spunky hand and whining, asking why I’d hit him… the answer was pretty obvious I felt. I ignored him as he fucked off to the bathroom and carried on fucking Annie, the other girl wriggled over and lay there with her head on Annie’s belly with her mouth open. Rude not to I thought, and bolted all over her cheek.”
Threesome story no 2.
“…Back at mine she took turns sucking us off before sitting on Vince’s cock. He pulled her bum cheeks apart, I spat on her arsehole and stuck it up there without much trouble. We carried on rinsing her like this for a while, before she demands that something other than a cock be put up her arse. I looked around my room for something that didn’t belong to me, and spotted my friend’s marker pen. Vince got selfish and wanted to stick it in, so I passed it over. Before he could do so, Ruby starts crying, total boner killer. After us asking what was wrong for a few minutes, she comes out with the immortal line:
“My dad fucks me!”
Well we made some half-arsed attempts at talking to her about it but given the circumstances I decided that now wasn’t the right time and basically that 20 years of counselling probably wouldn’t sort it out either so I went to sleep. When I woke up, they were both gone. I spoke to my housemate later the next day who asked me who’d been in the spare room last night.
“Er, Vince was in there”
“Who with?!”
“Why?”
“They were making a right fucking racket!”
“Oh shit… remember Ruby?”
“That tart, the video one?”
“Yeah, her, Vince the dirty fucker!”
He’d taken her to the spare room, played the shoulder to cry on for a bit and then fucked the shit out of her for a couple of hours, total scumbag. But it’s alright though, it turns out her dad didn’t fuck her after all.”
Threesome story no 3.
“A couple of years ago I ran into a girl called Louise I used to fuck every so often while out at a club. We were both pretty spannered, she was there with her cute friend Sally from school…
…Once we got back to the house we did a load of coke and got out of our clothes. They both started sucking my cock, one on the cock, one on the balls, I really have had worse days. We spent hours doing all kinds of filthy shit, Louise loves it and decided to show her pal some really naughty shit. She got her on all fours and started going down on her from behind, then moved from her fanny to her asshole. She slipped a couple of fingers in and looked round at me, I was just standing there beating off. Louise has gone “Are you ready to get fucked in the ass?”, Sally’s replied that she’s never done it before, but that yes, she’s ready. I looked around for some vaseline, or anything to grease things up, but could only find a bottle of cocoa butter. “This will do”, I thought and poured a load of it over Sally’s bum crack, letting it drip into her bumhole. I stuck my cock in, which got a little gasp out of her. Louise decides to take it a step further and stuck her tongue up my bum. I took it in turns fucking each one of them in whichever hole I felt like until finally I had them kneel in front of me on the bed and shot jizz all over both of their tongues, a particularly successful evening I thought.
Now I can’t look at a bottle of cocoa butter without thinking of bumming.”
So that’s it kids. Boys, hope you had a good wank / remembered the good times. Ladies, please think twice before that terribly charming chap takes you and your bezzie mate home for a boning when you really only wanted a hug… and maybe a free line of gak or two. It’s not like it is the movies.