From Back When Christmas Was Shit Yourself Exciting

This should have gone up on the internet before Christmas, it’s a list of cool things you could have been given this year if you were still a kid. A really spoilt kid.

It’s by Emilie Branch, she’s great.

This is the Cadillac Powerwheels Escalade. I was jealous of the kids with toy cars then, as I am jealous of people with real cars, now. Purchasing this gift for your tot would mean you narrowly avoided HIV in Thailand while you should have been at the school play, and this is how you’re making up for it. Just don’t mettle in the glove compartment; it’s where Timmy leaves his cocaine.

We’re in a similar but different war then when you were a kid and GI Joe is ready for the latest in Afghani warfare. This is the GI Joe: Extreme Conditions Action Figure Pack Set 1: Cobra Desert Assault Squad. If you’re unemployed, and someone awkwardly asks your plans for the future over ham, tell them you’re considering joining the Cobra Desert Assault Squad, so they know why you’re unemployable.

While you were doing meth in high-school, Barbie turned into a transvestite zombie.

She also fully embraced her Russian heritage.

Call me a pedophile, but is there anything better than seeing little girls dressed like whores?

This may look like an ordinary stuffed mate, but this little koala has 800 friends online. It’s a “Webkinz” and if you bought it you’d have to maintain its internet social life, instead of playing ball outside, like a fucking child. But this is exactly the kind of thing I wouldn’t have left the house for, so I’m really just a big overgrown adult-child hypocrite.

Webbed out and ready to rock, SPI-DOG saves the day with expressive lights, movements, and sounds! It’s an ipod that looks like a dog that looks like a Spiderman.

We all know the only reason to stay alive is the hope of a future with robots. Turns out, they’re already here; you just have to be a kid to play with them. This is the WoWWee Femisapien Humanoid Robot. Not only does the bot have a politically correct title and an enviable rack, it acts as a back-up singer. “She” will mimic your dance moves, and sing with you. She also has her own language and the ability to control other WoWWee robots. Imagine karaoke with your femisapien? Just don’t offer her a drink etc etc

If you’re as arrested development as I am and you just spent the morning looking at children’s toys, you could always treat yourself to an adult tricycle for Christmas. Nothing says premature ejaculation or the inability to work well with others quite like three wheels and a basket; but that’s what makes you special.

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