5 Top Tips On Getting Arrested!

On Friday night I went to a club in central London and was arrested for something drug-related and boring. It could have gone badly – like, really badly; like tossing some dude’s salad badly – but I got away with it. So here’s my five-step guide to dealing with The Man when he’s got you down:

1. Roll over like a bitch.
Believe it or not, the Po-Po, like most people, do not like dickheads. If they’ve caught you doing something bad, that means they’re in the right and you’re in the wrong. It’s the status quo, so just deal with it – bare in mind that you’re at their mercy and do what you’re told. In fact, go further than that… be actively helpful. Even if you’re feeling desperate and aggrieved, even if you’re aching to do a ‘Bobby Sands’ and smear shit all over the walls, control yourself – that or get your head kicked in by a guy called Keith who wishes it was still the seventies and he still had plenty of Irish dudes to torture.

2. Let them know that your a human too.
On Friday night, I spent three hours talking to a po-lice about The Shawshank Redemption, his favourite film (irony, noted), and, for that night at least, it became mine too! After about an hour of “I just love the scene with the rock-hammer…  isn’t it sad that he becomes institutionalised… and, yeah, I did cry” type lying, I overheard him telling another officer that I was “actually quite a nice guy” and that they should “probably recommend me for a caution”. Bingo.

3. Act all confused/like a fucking valley girl
Repeat this phrase as often as possible: “Erm… can you walk me though what happens next? I’ve never been arrested before. This is all a bit upsetting.”

Acting like a fool makes you look like a novice, ergo not a fucking criminal. It also makes the Po-Po feel sorry for you and perhaps even obligated to you in a sad slightly mother-henish kind of way. They’ll treat you like a muppet and probably laugh at you behind your back, but they’ll also go out of their way to make sure you don’t go to prison. Even coppers have hearts, and the idea of sending someone who has a downs-syndrome-like-naivety to a place where male rape is the culture does not feel very good.

4. Sick a jew on that shit
If there’s one thing the Promised Land does better than anywhere else,  it’s producing people who are about seventeen times more intelligent than other humans. That’s why Jews are rich and why they were, until recently, roundly hated by everyone else.

You need one. Now.

You can’t have my solicitor, because I love him too much, but I wholeheartedly recommend that you find your own before you get arrested. Seriously, find one now. Before this shit happens. Because you do not want the bog-standard McLawyer bullshit they’ll send for if you don’t specify a firm. Just go for a company with the suffix -stein -witz -farb or just plain -burg. These people will do right by you.

5. Don’t get caught again
Stands to reason. Learn lessons from this shit. Prison is not fun.


  • dannecf September 29, 2010 at 5:33 pm

    If I'd known b4 I wouldn't have 3 different jail nicknames

  • Thehand September 29, 2010 at 11:29 pm

    You didn't fool them into thinking anything, you're harmless and deserved a caution, and that's what happened. TBH if you got a caution you got well mugged. Did they assure you it'll run out after 5 years? oops

  • Ugh September 30, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    you spelt you're wrong

    • boobies October 1, 2010 at 9:43 am

      basic guys, come on

  • grar October 1, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    valley girl? i think you mean a toff - valley girl might mean something in the states in the uk it means someone from wales. you need to figure out whether you're using uk or us slang cos the mix you use makes it sound like switching between episodes of saved by the bell and grange hill

    • Thehand October 2, 2010 at 3:57 pm

      You'll probably get called a “douchebag” for pointing that out…

  • ashtonlewsey October 2, 2010 at 12:13 pm

    VERY annoying that people who get to write for platform can't even get the correct you're/your.
    They teach you that when you're like six for god's sake.

    • Adam Green October 6, 2010 at 1:17 pm

      Hi Ashton, thanks for schooling me in how to spell… I really do appreciate it.

      Of course, it wasn't an honest mistake – as you might imagine – but a glaring oversight on the part of my teachers when I was six. I'm sending them a letter right now.

      Other news: I'm guessing you're Ashton Lewsey from Bristol – because there's only one Ashton Lewsey on the whole internet – and I'm guessing too that this is a video of you doing interprative dance on the X Factor website: http://brightdancing.talktalk.co.uk/xbd-media-live/html/19/18/64/1918648547.html

      Don't thank me for this bit of free publicity, YOUR welcome.


  • Supafreak October 4, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    When you get nicked, just co-operate, most of the policemen are nice whatever you've done unless your a complete cunt. Don't lie about what you have on you and you'll walk away with a caution unless you have previous convictions.

  • ellema October 12, 2010 at 5:58 pm

    this is fucking misleading, shouldn’t this be “5 Top Tips On Not Getting Arrested”? it told me nothing about the prison i must get into!!!

  • Sonofbeast October 25, 2010 at 11:35 am

    This is really really bad. The person writing it and the people enjoying reading are propping up each others fantasies. “Sick a jew on that shit”? “seriously find one now”?What? Why would I need to do that? Why is this person talking like that, aren’t they just someone who was CAUTIONED for DRUG POSSESSION? Doesn’t that happen to literally hundreds of people in the UK every Friday and Saturday night? I hope for all their sakes that they all sicked their jews on that shit.

  • Scribe51 October 25, 2010 at 11:49 am

    British people should be pistole whipped for using the word ‘dude’ and overly saying ‘like’. Utter cuntish.


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