The Sun shows its sensitive side

I remember The Sun‘s front page headline the day after Jeremy Beadle died: ‘Beadle’s Not About’ it joked, in supposed ‘tribute’ to the TV prankster. This is the kind of tasteful, mature approach for which Britain’s most popular newspaper is known by the masses, and avoided by most people with GCSEs. For just 20 pence a day, readers can get a whole newspaper full of this top-notch journalism. But if you think 20p is asking too much for what they’re offering (and you’d have a fair point), I’ve waded into its garish pages to pluck out and summarise the best bits from Friday’s spectacularly amusing edition, saving you the money, inky fingers and the mandatory bad taste in the mouth. Here are my findings:

PAEDO is in big, bold letters on the front page. Go on, I’m listening.

TITS! on page 3. But enough of Danni, 23, from Coventry’s chest. What of her teachings? “Our boys [the armed forces] deserve respect,” she says. It’s just a shame that I’ve used up all my respect on the armed forces, and don’t have any left for this piece of plankton.

PUNS! Liam Gallagher was in Oasis, who released an album called Be Here Now. Liam campaigns for bees, or something like that. “BEE HERE NOW”. Genius.

PAEDOS! Another headline (p5), another paedophile.

POLITICS! David Cameron lays out 10 policies which should appeal to The Sun’s readership. “We will cut corporation tax to create jobs”- and make the rich richer; “Reform inheritence tax to encourage saving”- and make rich people even richer. Why would this appeal to The Sun’s readership of mostly working class people? This is not made clear.

CHAVS! “I stood up to a hoody and it was me who got done,” says the disabled pensioner who was fined for poking a chav in the chest and giving him a piece of her mind. Questions arise about British Justice and its whereabouts.

Jon Cunt's column is very popular with Sun readers

PAEDOS! Heavyweight columnist Jon Cunt battles with the English language to examine the latest paedophilia blockbuster on the front pages, and concludes that we should bring back hanging. Elsewhere, he says kids should be moralised rather than educated when it comes to sex. Then he moans about “health Nazis telling us how to live our lives” and misses the blatant contradictions in what he’s advocating. Other notable phrases in his measured, well-considered analysis of these complex issues:

Paedos ‘R’ Us Britain

Bring back hanging

Vile creatures

Mein Kampf

Tsunami of immigrants

Tom, Dick and Abdul

Wow. And that is all you need to know about The Sun, and indeed news. Check back in a few days for more analysis of the nation’s most popular daily comic book.

This article first appeared at Bangpuss