Agony Uncle: Bitches Make Me Sick

It’s been far too long since the right­eous free­dom lov­ing war­rior that is the Agony Un­cle last dropped some knowl­edge bombs on the war on women’s emo­tion­al ter­ror. For too long I let things slide, I let bitch­es run they damn mouths, I let pussy whipped guys play their po­si­tion, I let guys think want­i­ng to cheat on their girl was un­nat­ur­al, I let women think they need­ed to be in a re­la­tion­ship, any re­la­tion­ship to be hap­py, I let guys think putting on nail pol­ish be­fore mas­tur­bat­ing so it look like a woman’s hand is do­ing it was shame­ful but no more ba­by. I’m back, and I’m here to set things straight again. Straight reg­u­late. Mount up.

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Yo big bear (yeh i know). Okay so theres this chick who is pret­ty damn fuck­able, but she fucked about with me and my mate in the past and sub­se­quent­ly we ar­ent mates any­more but he’s a pussy and she’s a whore and now they hate each oth­er and she wants me back. What do i do fuck her take a show­er and walk out nev­er to speek to her again or just tell her its too late and to fuck off.
From Mr.​Salacity via com­ments

I’d like the peo­ple to know the ‘Big Bear’ thing hasn’t got any­thing to do with my ob­ses­sion large hairy gay men. First of all your boy is clear­ly on some fag­got shit and you don’t need him on your team. Fuck that guy. You guys sound like a young’un be­cause let­ting some chick get in the way of a male bond is some play­ground shit. My ad­vice is to start dat­ing this whore, you young bucks these days are too ob­sessed with those bor­ing Madon­na vir­gin bitch­es, just be­cause those bitch­es don’t give up any pussy doesn’t make them any bet­ter than whores, if any­thing their worse. They act like giv­ing up their pussy to you is a gift; ITS NOT A GIFT, those bitch­es are de­lud­ed. If it doesn’t work out and the bitch ends up be­ing a crazy whore, then just take the L and move on with the knowl­edge that you gained some in­valu­able bat­tle ex­pe­ri­ence. (By the way, if you do get in­to a re­la­tion­ship with her, get some side pussy.)

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I re­cent­ly broke up with this guy who claims he is God’s gift to the world (may I just ex­press, he’s not even Hitler’s gift) but now he’s talk­ing bull­shit about me to loads of peo­ple! What should I do? Pop­ping a cap in his ass is too much ef­fort to make for a bitch…
From ZOO via com­ments

Walk it the fuck off. What did you fuck­ing want me to say? Some em­pow­er­ing shit about how dat nig­ga ain’t shit and you go girl? Bitch, I ain’t got time for this any of this year 10 dra­ma B.S. I got re­al shit go­ing on in my life right now, have you ever squat­ted, one foot on the bath­room sink over a mir­ror be­cause you sus­pect you might have ex­ter­nal haem­or­rhoids? Ever had Ir­ri­ta­ble Bow­el Syn­drome? Ever had a bur­geon­ing hip-hop ca­reer that fiz­zled in­to noth­ing? Didn’t think so. That shit is re­al. Come back to me with some re­al prob­lems.

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I was fuck­ing my best friend for about half a year, but just re­cent­ly he got a su­per skank girl­friend. Do I sab­o­tage the re­la­tion­ship, or do I leave him to be ‘hap­py’ i.e. get­ting laid alot by a sket­ty girl? Sure­ly if I sab­o­tage it I’m sav­ing him from dick rot?
From Su­per­vi­o­lence via com­ments

I wan­na shake this moth­er­fuck­ers hand for con­vinc­ing this goofy hoe that they were good friends who just hap­pened to be fuck­ing. Play your po­si­tion as side pussy. The re­al­i­ty is, to him this chick he’s with now is the lat­est is­sue Vogue and you’re just a copy of the Wether­spoons mag­a­zine used to mop up pint spillages. Leave the guy alone, the guys just try­na get some pussy that isn’t slop­pi­er than a drunk guys mouth. Don’t ask me how I know a drunk guys mouth is like a loose vagi­na. I just do.

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i have a huge bon­er for half asian chicks but it can be hard to tell which ones are even le­git mixed, and they are ac­tu­al­ly way hard­er to se­duce than i first as­sumed. how do i hook up ex­clu­sive­ly with eurasians?
From napoleon conea­part via com­ments

You honky Asian fetishists make me sick, al­ways gassing up every av­er­age Asian chick and mak­ing them think their some­thing spe­cial when re­al­ly, those bitch­es ain’t shit. Stop mak­ing it hard­er for me to mash my own kind you Asiaphile fuck, with your ob­ses­sion with lame an­imé car­toons (that shit is mad fag­gy bro) and dumb Face­book pho­to al­bums of your hol­i­day in Japan (OH LOOK THEY HAVE VEND­ING MA­CHINES DAT ARE DIF­FER­ENT TO OURS LOL!). It’s em­bar­rass­ing for you and every­one around you. Every­one’s tired of deal­ing with your sec­ond hand shame.

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I have this guy friend who I re­al­ly like, we made out once and get along re­al­ly well and al­ways make each oth­er laugh and have a lot in com­mon but he re­cent­ly start­ed dat­ing my friend and I get re­alz jeal­ous when­ev­er we’re all hang­ing out and they are snug­gling and shit. How do I get over him/break them up with­out hurt­ing my friend?
From Anony­mous via com­ments

I bet they don’t even make each oth­er laugh, I bet they don’t even have that much in com­mon and I bet he doesn’t get along with her as well he does with you….I’m al­so will­ing to bet your friend is pal­pa­bly more at­trac­tive than you. If you re­al­ly wan­na grab this guy with­out hurt­ing your friend you need to in­stant­ly be­come much bet­ter look­ing.

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