MAGIC DICK SPRAY

There are a thousand techniques for dealing with premature ejaculation and most of them don’t work. I’ve spent the past few years relying on my ‘trick’ of continuing to screw post-cum, in the hope that the girl I’m fucking won’t notice I’m flaccid as a naked mole rat.

I thought that was all about to change when I saw an advert on the tube for Stud 100. It’s a tiny bottle of anesthetising liquid that desensitises your penis to sexual pleasure. The main ingredient is Lidocaine, which is an additive they put in most cocaine. That’s why cocaine numbs gums, it’s the lidocaine putting all the nerve endings to sleep. When you spray it on your willy, it’s doing the same thing.

It only costs £3.99 and, unlike other sexual treatments that are only available with a prescription or via a Nigerian mail-order catalogue, you can buy it from Amazon. I tested it out on a girl I’ve been seeing and the results were pretty mixed.

If you think using condoms is a mood killer, try wacking out a yellow bottle and frantically pressing a button to disperse a light mist of liquid that smells disturbingly like moth-balls all over your erect penis.

My number one tip for those planning on using Stud? Don’t let your partner go down on you. It numbs everything it comes in contact with. It wasn’t long before my girl was foaming at the mouth as if she’d been sucking on a cocaine coated ice pole for the past hour.

All in all, it’s not the most enjoyable experience sex-wise. Lasting four and a half minutes longer than usual is pretty worthless when you feel like you’re dick is like a dislocated arm. Also, it wasn’t very enjoyable ‘“ it just felt like doing press-ups.

And in the end, what are you doing? Coating your girl’s vagina in a numbing ointment that’s going to reduce her pleasure as well as yours.

PLATFORM REVIEW: 2 ‘hang on, let’s stop for a minute’s out of 10

ILLUSTRATION: ADELE AUSTIN