Saying ‘I love you’ is tough.  If it works out you’re immune from all the shit in life for a while, but if it goes badly you’re left with a really ugly scar and a story you repeat to everyone without realising you’ve become ‘that girl’ at the party.  Some people would urge you to blindly crash and fall into love, like Stevie Wonder unexpectedly pushed off a toilet.  I suggest you take precautions.

1. Never say ‘I love you’ through any sort of social networking medium.

A girl I know on facebook had her status as ‘Kat says thx god 4 her amazing boyf who she’s completely in luv with xxx i love you baby’. Oh dear. No one said they liked it. No thumbs up for Kat, and her poke count reduced dramatically. Saying it so publicly is embarrassing for everyone, and when you break up it’s going to look really bad in your news feed and no one will want to play scrabble with you anymore.

2. Don’t try and be clever.

Working pop culture into your declaration o’ love isn’t going to make the other person say it back; it’s going to make them vomit on your shoes.  Someone I know used that line from Notting Hill ‘Just a girl standing in front of a guy, asking him to…’ and that’s as far as she got before he killed her.  Ok he didn’t kill her, but he should have.

3. Do it somewhere quiet.

I once told someone I loved them over the phone at a gig. They had no idea what I was saying so I had to keep repeating it, my voice getting progressively louder until I was screaming ‘I LOVE YOU’ into my Nokia 3210 (circa ‘99 FTR).  Unfortunately at that precise moment the music stopped and the entire crowd heard my scream of passion. It would have been embarrassing but luckily it was a Dashboard Confessional gig so it kind of suited the vibe – the Astoria was full of fat men crying.  I killed all of them.

OK I didn’t kill them, but I should have.

4. Don’t say it to get someone back.

Being dumped is fucking lame, it makes you feel all weak and pathetic and probably a little bit retarded.  Sometimes it can be tempting to go round to your ex’s house with a homemade mix cd or ipod playlist (ready to be uploaded onto their itunes natch), and perhaps you imagine the two of you sitting on their bed listening to it and their love being re-ignited by your emotional yet incredibly well-informed and trendy song choices, and they’ll look into your eyes and you’ll utter those words and all will be forgotten and you’ll have really really good sex.  This never, ever happens. Not once. Never. In reality you trundle round there looking like Fearne Cotton on crack and they’re in bed with their sexy new girlfriend and you bang on their door till 4 in the morning, crying and shouting ‘I love you’ through their letterbox, doing those weird stuttered breaths you used to do as a kid when you weren’t allowed the last mint cornetto because you hadn’t eaten your mash.

5. Similarly, don’t say it to make up with someone.

Cheating can make you feel like a fucking dick. You’ll be overcome with feelings of guilt and remorse (at least you should be, you shitty lying bastard) and you’ll want to do everything you can to make it better.  When faced with endless late night conversations consisting of ‘why’ and ‘how could you’ it will be tempting to say you love them if only so they’ll shut up and you can have a sandwich. Don’t do it.  Generally you cheat because you don’t think they’re that hot in the first place so remedying it by making them think you find them super-dooper- love-hot is just going to make it worse.  It means you can’t break up with them for at least three months or they’ll know you were lying because you wanted a toastie. Do something else to make you a winner again, such as breaking your leg or pretending they gave you an STD.

Seriously though. I do love you.