As someone who doesn’t own a car, with a majority of friends who can’t even drive, there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not looking enviously on the smug suits driving their cars while I’m waiting to join the humiliating ‘loser parade’ of riding a bus. Having to wait for 15 minutes before even so much as boarding the slowest moving vehicle in a traffic jam, and squeezing only one buttock on a chewing gum-ridden seat because of a lard-arsed commuter is just not the right way to start the day, or anywhere close to how I saw life panning out 6 years after leaving school, where having a car was like having a pair of Air Max 90s. Sure, not everyone had a pair, they were expensive, but it wasn’t a big deal if you did. So the same with cars, most people had a car, and they were mostly the people who were getting laid.
Times have changed, and now owning a car seems like the kind of ‘life goal’ I’m hoping to achieve by 30. But what car to save up for? I don’t want to wait all that time just to climb into a vehicle (status symbol) that outlines just how unsuccessful my life has turned out to be. So which depressingly realistic cars are the best to buy?
Vauxhall Corsa:
What it says: I have the same tastes as my mum. She bought me the clothes I’m wearing, and she also bought this car, about 5 years before she sold it cheaply on to me. I’m economical, won’t do anything unexpected, but if I’m really thinking about investing in a bodykit, or UV light to show the world I’m a ‘little bit crazy’.
If it were a character in the Simpsons: Millhouse. The glasses could be switched up and made ‘cool’ in an instant, and hair shaved into a dirty word, but it’s still the same small-eyed mummy’s boy underneath.
Pussy Magnetism: Surprisingly high, for a start you can start a conversation with a lot of girls because they will have this car too. Secondly, a Corsa suggests you’re reliable and looking to settle down. It’s not the car to drive if you’re looking for a one night stand. But if you’re driving a Corsa, that’s the last thing you’ll be looking for
Seat Ibiza:
What it says: Like the ‘rough one’ from a boyband, I’m quite a handful, might take drugs at the weekend and have body perforations, but really I’m a very safe package and unlikely to act out of the ordinary.
If it were a character from the Simpsons: Jimbo. The skull t-shirt and bully attitude might seem intimidating, but everyone knows bullys are really just big, insecure, scared babies.
Pussy magnetism: If you’re looking for a one night stand, this is the car you’re going to drive to an industrial estate to smash her back doors in over the bonnet. Girls love a bastard, and a Seat Ibiza suggests you are just the jumped up little townie that can make her scream before she gets bored and moves on to a more sophisticated brand of car owner.
Volkswagen Golf
What it says: I’m classy sophisticated, a ‘car of the people’ (literally), and I’m packing some heat under the hood. If you want to go for a long journey, you’d be happy doing so in a Golf.
If it were a character in the Simpsons: Dr Hibbert. Sure, at first Dr Hibbert might seem like a fairly dull family man, but then you’re forgetting that he’s got the best music taste in the show, he used to have Stevie Wonder braids, and he’s black – which is always cool. If you’re bought a Golf, it’d likely be black too, and that looks pretty great no matter who you are.
Pussy magnetism: Whether she’s a ‘good time girl’, or a tidy bit of posh totty, she’s going to be impressed by the security and simultaneous opportunity for a cheap thrill that exists in a VW Golf. This ranks pretty highly in all categories, GTI may as well stand for ‘Get your Tits In my face’ as that’s exactly what will be happening in the backseat of this car at the drive-in!
Honda Civic
What it says: I’m Asian, I like things that are slightly flash, but also quite a little refined (as refined as my budget can afford). I’m a lot classier than a Corsa owner, but I have an equally inordinate amount of possibilities if I decide I want to ‘say hello to my leeetle friend’ down at the mechanics and ‘pimp’ this ride.
If it were a character in the Simpsons: Hong, the Asian exchange student. Or maybe actor Troy Maclure in his better years. A supped up Civic could easily be parked outside his futuristic house in the mountains with 360 degree panoramic views. And equally, the spacious back seats would provide ample room to allow Troy to entertain Selma in the biblical sense – woof woof!
Pussy magnetism: Neither Asians or actors panicking about the downward trajectory for their careers are not notoriously lucky in the sack, so the outlook is not promising. The only recourse is to do as exactly as Asians and past-it actors do. Play the odds, and stick to your own kind. Your best chance of getting lucky is to attend a Honda Civic owners convention, knowing that every other person there is just as down on their sexual luck as you.
In conclusion: It’s got to be a VW Golf. But by the time I’ve saved up for one, can afford the insurance and live in a house where I could actually park it, I’ll probably be too old for one.
