Every six months or so I have a breakdown or realization or epiphany or whatever you wanna call it and it sounds something like “I just want to have a regular job with a regular salary and be a normal person.” There are just so many jobs to chose from! This month, I’m thinking I want to be a nurse. Why not? Being a long-time lover of the TV show Scrubs, I think this would be a great job, one that I would excel at. Here are the pros:
1. Nurses make money: I don’t know exactly how much, but this is what people keep telling me. I think they can make even like hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. They get good benefits and I’m sure their health insurance is top notch!
2. Friendships: I bet there’s a lot of comradery in the nursing field. I bet nurses become BFF with doctors and other types of hospital staff, and they have lots of private jokes together and crushes form and people hang up pictures of their babies and everyone says “awwww” cuz your baby is so cute. I am really into the idea of the nurse scene. I bet there’s mad gossip and a big fat black lady who loves Jesus and has a lot of sass who has your back.
3. Outfits: I don’t really care for those “wild” scrubs that nurses wear to jazz it up. My scrubs will be very simple and classic, no teddy bear patterns or any of that baby shit. Why do nurses do that? Dressing like a toddler isn’t good unless you’re dressing like a toddler going to a dance recital. Other than that, it’s gross. Being a nurse is an adult job. Wearing scrubs with a teddy bear pattern makes the nursing field seem like it’s not that important. I guess if you’re nursing in pediatrics it might be okay though, the kids probably feel good when they see a teddy bear pattern.
4. Knowing how to take care of someone: I’d like to know exactly what people need to feel better. It seems like a power move. Blood pressure and painkillers and needles; I’d like to know what to do with all the nursing accouterments and what not. I’d like to know exactly what to prescribe when someone says their skin hurts, or their eye is bleeding, or their feet won’t walk. It might seem obscure to others, but to nurses it’s all very common and we know just the remedy! Doctors do as well, but doctors see our bodies as machines that need to be fixed. They’re like auto-mechanics that make a lot more money. Nurses have a gentle touch. We care about you.
5. There are many different nurse specialties: I can be a holistic nurse, a gyno nurse, a pediatric nurse, a private nurse for rich people, a midwife nurse, a plastic surgeon’s nurse, an ER nurse, an anesthesiology nurse, an abortion nurse…the list goes on. I don’t have to choose now if I don’t wanna.
6. You don’t have to have serious schooling: I can just apply to the Beth Israel nursing school and get my associates degree. All you need is a high school diploma or a GED. After I excel in that program, I can apply to a graduate school to get a fancier degree if I want to be a special kind of nurse. Then I can have all of the things I just mentioned in list form AND write a book about my life as a nurse. DOUBLE TRIPLE FUCKING SCORE!
Some cons include: Seeing and dealing and touching really gross shit all time, both literally and figuratively. Changing diapers, bed pans, soothing burn victims, seeing people die, seeing babies die, working really hard all day, working the night shift, putting needles in people, dealing with a lot of blood everyday, ummm…having to give people stitches. So yeah. Stuff like that might really suck.
WORDS: LESLEY ARFIN
