There are a lot of reasons why living beside a canal is seriously sweet. Firstly, there’s the kudos factor, which is enough to get strangers carving poems in your honour into the sides of Bombay Sapphire bottles on most Friday nights. Then, of course, there’s the jolly crackhead who once told you his parents were mermaids, and it was only the high quantity of sulphate in the canal that made him grow human legs. Let’s not forget also, the enormous mobility advantages of living alongside that shadowy watery realm where the shopping trolleys come to die. Best of all though, undoubtedly, is the ducks. More precisely, THE DUCKS THAT YOU CAN WATCH INSTEAD OF WATCHING TV. And I’m not just writing this because my TV finally OD’d on ‘Loose Women’ and died last week. Honest.

WORDS: ASHLEY MAURITZEN

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So why is watching ducks better than watching TV???

DUCKS KILL EACH OTHER LESS:

Has anyone reading this ever seen a duck murder? I’ve seen two, which is two more than I’ve seen happen in real life, but is still proportionately less upsetting. Someone once told me that 92.5% of ducks are criminally insane, and simply lack the means of expressing their unrelenting rage.  But, frankly, who cares? Whilst there’s obviously nothing better than a bit of extreme violence for putting it all in perspective, it’s comforting to watch something that you can be pretty certain won’t contain a Mariah Carey soundtracked laying-out-the-dead montage.

DUCKS DON’T COME WITH CANNED LAUGHTER:

Just the birdsong and a drunk woman giggling happily to herself. Idyllic.

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION ACTUALLY WORKS:

I knew there was something horribly wrong with the ITV voting system in 2006 when I sold my soul to Satan, and Leona still won X-factor. In comparison, what could be more gratifying than rewarding your favourite duck with a bit of bread, or maybe even a multi-grain bagel? There’s also the opportunity for active negative feedback. If the bourgeois shame cripples you, why not ask a bored 10 year-old for help? They’re too young to get in any real trouble. Bless. Alternatively, if you feel like cancelling a show altogether, a canister of biofuel works more rapidly than falling ratings ever could.

THE UNDERSIDE OF A BRIDGE SMELLS BETTER THAN YOUR LIVINGROOM:

I have no way of knowing this for sure but I’d be willing to put money on it.

YOU CAN’T USE FACEBOOK BY A CANAL:

For many of us, TV has become little more than a background to The Book. The subtle interplay between the BBC News at Six and last weekend’s ‘Things You Can Eat For Breakfast’ party photos can be a troubling experience. Watching the ducks is a unique opportunity for a moment of pure focus. It is an oasis of calm amidst the multimedial cacophony of our daily lives. None of this, of course, applies if you have a dongle… or an iPhone… or anything remotely resembling a life.