HELLO!
My name is Sam. I use to work in the Platform office every day, but now I’m a student, so I live a squalid half-life in which nothing is ever clean and I have to share a toilet with twelve other people, all of whom eat nothing but burritos and laxatives.
Since arriving at uni(versity), I’ve had a couple of these:
A few more than a couple actually:
Trouble is, while other people at college are getting drunk and enjoying each other’s company, I’m watching hours of television, VOD and Youtube. I’m a bandwith addict with a 20 gig a day habit. But rather than just turning off my computer and actually doing some work, I’m starting an internet TV column called View Fullscreen on platform, thus legitimising my dependency.
You’re reading the start of it right now. How exciting for both of us.
IT’S LIKE WRITING “BULLY ME” ACROSS YOUR FOREHEAD
In 1999 a speech that Baz Luhrman supposedly gave at a high school graduation was played over a new-age cover version of Everybody’s Free (To Feel Good) by Rozalla and released as a song called Wear Sunscreen. You always hear it on those radio shows where they play five songs from one year and five songs from another year and and you have to guess the years, even though one of the years is always, always, 1992.
Then, on the 19th November 2009, this happened:
ARGH. What’s this searing pain in my retinas? This lumpy stream of insincerity being defecated into my ears? Why do I feel like Edith Bowman has just done a bukkake on my face – her wrongly-inflected words trickling down my cheek into a gloopy puddle of false emotion?
Luhrman’s Sunscreen has been wheeled out to form the center of Radio 1’s anti-bullying campaign, La Rouxilly named Bullyproof. La Roux herself, of course, has far too much basic self-respect to ever appear in something this horrific. Instead, it has been left to the Radio 1 DJs – who are contractually obliged – and any poor celebrity who has been on the station in the past couple of weeks and didn’t realise what they were signing up for.
These are my best bits:
00:31 - Trevor Nelson looking pathetically into the camera as he mourns the loss of “the power and beauty” of his youth. Trevor, of course, needn’t worry because he can enjoy the power and beauty of other peoples’ youths.
00:48 – Alexandra Burke telling me I’m not as fat as I imagine. Erm, ta love. I guess you’re face isn’t as round as you imagine.
01:21 – Tim Westwood in his best serious voice going “Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts.” He can’t even get it out in one take so there’s a dodgy cut in the middle. Presumably he had to stop to ask “Are you sure you want me telling people how to love one another? I once did a safe sex campaign called ‘Strap It Up Before You Slap It Up’.”
01:28 – Leona is easily the most famous person in this video, but also the person who could most benefit from a few interesting things to say to help with her image of being the dullest woman on the planet. So what line do they give her?
2:18 – There’s a bit where Scott Mills and Vernon Kay intersperse their lines. But the way it’s cut together makes it look like Vernon is cruelly taunting Scott about his sexuality. “Maybe you’ll marry,” offers Scott helpfully. “Maybe YOU won’t,” retorts Vernon with little regard for civil partnerships. Scott, looking hurt, tries again: “Maybe you’ll have children.” “I don’t think you will you filthy bum bandit,” replies Vernon.
2:34 – I WAS GOING TO MAKE A JOKE ABOUT JO WHILEY HERE BUT I’VE DONE SOME RESEARCH AND I’M NOT SURE IF IT WOULD BE ENTIRELY APPROPRIATE. LET’S JUST SAY SHE’S A BIT RUBBISH.
3:04 – Louis Walsh hasn’t got a clue what he’s saying in this bit. I’m not sure if he even knows where he is. Actually, I’m not even sure if Louis Walsh ever realises when he’s on the telly, so he just has to pull the same pained expression all the time in case it so happens that 16 million people are watching him.
WHAT TO WATCH ON DEMAND THIS WEEK: SPOOKS
You can currently watch the whole of this series of Spooks on BBC iPlayer, which you should do because it’s very good. Harry Pierce is still the world’s greatest sneerer, destroying international terrorism in a single frown. They are stilling killing off lead characters off left, right and centre. Change is a afoot though, with the introduction a trendy new young character:
This is Tariq. He’s well into gadgets yeah, and bikes and stuff init. I
n the first episode he puts a camera into a watch and turns a packet of matches into a microphone. It’s well James Bond, ya get me. They’ve clearly drafted in a new “hip” writer for Tariq to try and pull a younger audience.
These are some of the lines from the last couple of week’s episodes:
“Tell him to loose the T-shirt, it’s not the bloody NME awards.”
“I went through all his online friends and kept his status updated, but there were encryptions you really wouldn’t expect on a social networking website.”
“I’m fed up with all these lefties. We’re not the Stoke Newington Green party”
“So these are the antics of a rebel trustafarian”
Amazing. Tune in next week for an Al-Qaeda plot to blow up Bebo and a military coup to get Lucie back on the X factor.
Speaking of which, it’s time to get your gender references out because…
IT’S WHAM! WEEK
I wonder what John and Edward will do. I can’t think of a single Wham! song that would naturally fit their singing style. Shit, maybe they’ll have to leave the competition.
Oh, hang on:
Hmm, that could work.
I’m in a funny place with the Factor at the moment. I do like John and Edward but I’m pretty upset because I had a massive crush on Lucie, especially after the Welsh tabloids ran a series of stories about how she’s basically really filthy and has slept with loads of rugby players.
Obviously, I’m thrilled that Jamie went last week (I saw him at a gig this week and gave him the dirtiest screwface, he was definitely freaked out) but it sort of feels like the next two weeks are going to be a bit of a slog to just get rid of Lloyd and Danyal.
Also the themes have been proper shit on this year, what the fuck was Rock Week about? Please can we make next week everyone-sings-a-fuck-off-power-ballad-except-for-John-and-Edward-who-do-Let’s-Get-Ready-To-Rumble Week? Thanks.
Oh also, thanks to Eileen at MoreTVicar who sent me this:
Although to just to make clear: I want an Ollie, Stacey, and Joe final.
WHAT TO WATCH ON THE INTERNET THIS WEEK: CAST OFFS
It’s like Skins but on an island so it’s like Skins meets Lost, right? But it’s a reality TV show so it’s like I’m A Skins, Get Me Out of Here, right? But it’s about disabled people, so you can’t take the piss.
Cast Offs is a dark drama about six disabled contestants left to fend for themselves on a Scottish island. I know that sounds like too much for Tuesday night, especially with Unsolved Crimes USA on Sky 3 at the same time, but this is as much a boundary-pushing comedy as it is a thinky drama.
You can watch it 11.05pm Channel 4 on TVcatchup.com or anytime after on 40d.
