Whether or not you know about music
I have to play the ‘who knows more about lo-fi’ game with my friends all day long. Why would I want to play it with my girl when we could just be having sex or watching Family Guy on my laptop and gossiping about which one of our friends is secretly boffing another one of our friends? When boys talk about music we’re pretty much frontin’ to look cool in front of our bros and trying to look mysterious/take the heat of the fact we still get our rent paid by our parents and have a wanking sock by our bed, we don’t really care about music as much as we say we do.
Whether or not you’re wearing make up all the time
I guess sometimes it helps in getting us in the first place, but once you’re going out with one of us, you hardly need to wear it at all. If we’re spending more than three hours at a time with you without all of that time being sex, chances are we like you as a person and not just as a weird moving painting. Chill out. When girls freak out about us turning up without much warning because they haven’t got their make up on, we just think, ‘what are you hiding under there?’ and then we think about what that could be and then we picture you with growths and then we dump you.
Whether or not you put out after only meeting us once
Yeah, I’m sure it’s not a great look, but if we like you, we’ll come back for more, definitely. Nothing makes us want to run a mile more than someone saying ‘I’m not going to sleep with you because then you won’t go out with me’. Just cos it makes you sound, well, a little desperate, way more desperate than if you slept with us and then didn’t call us, then WE’D be freaking out about it all. You don’t have to put out, obvs, but if you’re getting along and it feels like the right thing to do (sometimes it doesn’t, yes, I know) then just do it.
Whether or not you are really good at blowjobs
Why is it when we first start seeing you, you always announce (with a rye smile that is actually really gross) that you’ve been told you’re really good at blowjobs? So you’ve sucked a lot of dick. Well done? Why don’t you, instead of bragging and making yourself look like (whisper it) a deluded slag, just quietly get on with it, and if it’s good we’ll react accordingly and if it’s not good then we’ll just tell you how to do it properly, it really is not rocket science. The very fact you’ll go anywhere near our winkles with your mouth is enough to make us love you, if it’s not quite right we’ll just tell you (we also could care less if you swallow it or not, just don’t spit it on our t-shirt).
Whether or not we can see your pantyline under your jeans
Oh my god are you crazy? We love those things! They are SO HOT. They don’t make you look grubby or unkempt, they are like when you can work out what a Christmas present is just from looking at it and that makes you so excited about unwrapping it! BAM. BONER CITY. We are really stupid and are governed by our penises so anything alluding to sexy pants will make us want to us want to show off about our music collections to you.
Whether or not there is elaborate foreplay
Yes, this is a massive cliché I know, but God’s honest truth is we just want to feel you against us and have something (anything) rub our thing until it cries white tears of joy. There are a few things that do not fit into that gameplan: elaborate (embarrassing) stripteases, candles, all that stuff. It’s ok, sure, and we know you’re into it so we humour you because we are nice guys who care about your feelings and whether or not you get off, just don’t take advantage of our good nature. If you want to get us really hot, maybe just tell us the story about how you experimented with your hot best friend (this kind of thing also helps if we’re taking ages to come and you’re tired and want to get it over with).
Whether or not your bag was expensive
Why the fuck do you girls bother with that shit? Bags are bags are bags, sure it looks nice if it matches your outfit, but when you spend three hundred quid on a bag we think you’re mentally ill/mentally subnormal. We get weird about trainers and North Face jackets too though, so I suppose its swings and roundabouts.
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