Hello and welcome to my new series of blog posts dedicated to the worst possible feelings you can feel (apart from the obvious ones like deaths in the family and finding out you have cancer). I’m going to go through all the most hideous feelings you can possibly feel and maybe when I’ve exhausted my bad feelings we can pick a winner and make a shrine to bumming out with that feeling at the centre, wearing a crown.
WORDS: ROBERT FOSTER
1. Making a joke about someone’s mum and finding out their mum is dead.
I always do this. I don’t know how I seem to have got involved with such a tragic group of people for this to be such a regular problem for me. I guess cussing mums has been with me since forever, and sometimes Mums die.
I remember when I first arrived at big boys’ school and someone made a “your mum” joke. It was the most terrifyingly taboo and exciting thing ever – you respected your buddy so little, you didn’t even respect the woman who bore them. It thrilled me, and I gradually built a back catalogue of “your mum” jokes, and slipped them into everyday conversation.
It’s the funniest joke you can make.
However, it’s a harsh emotion that follows after dropping an m-bomb on someone who’s buried their mother at a young age. Here’s how that spiral of terror goes down:
You’re hanging out and winding each other up, then you say how you fucked your friend’s mum. For the record you’ve only known him long enough vaguely know his surname. Then he kind of half laughs and goes, “no you didn’t” and you smirk, “well, yes I did, I fucked her in the arse and she loved it”.
“That’s impossible”
“Why?” (At this point you’re kind of cottoning on)
“Well, my mum died when I was fifteen”.
Tragically, you already totally believe him but you still say, “Shut up”. Then he kind of smiles and goes, “Yep” and you whine, “uuuurrghhh oh man are you serious?!” and he explains, “Yeah, she had cancer”.
You gulp, apologise, and laughing time is over.
It’s a horrible feeling because you suddenly realize how horrible it would actually be to fuck your buddy’s mum and describe it to him. Somewhere out there that shit actually happens though.
