As of late due to current circumstances (mainly: writing for something vair vair important to me with a deadline looming ever closer, being vaguely skint this month, and the fucking HEAT) I have been staying in a lot. And I am sure many of you are also staying in, occasionally, for similar reasons or because your friends are fucking off to festivals or summer places or whatever.
WORDS: AMY GREEN
So here is a list of comparisons that I have been using to keep my spirits up during the 57th spell check and the 4th phone call from some wanker chilling out by the pool at Shoreditch House, or some nauseating shit like that. Cheers, thanks a lot.
SHOPPING IN OXFORD CIRCUS
Navigating a crowded store while a bunch of assholes shove you around. Being packed into a corner while some pasty 24 stone woman in an Evans t-shirt with a vague slogan like, ‘Rock Chick 1979′ in faded letters snatches at size 10 t-shirts with a kind of ceaseless optimism. The hen pecked husbands, in short sleeved polyester button downs showcasing a bunch of shitty terrible tattoos, who stand with their hands behind their backs staring dead eyed into the distance while trying to envision a life that isn’t daily, crushing sorrow. Waiting in a line for 20 minutes whilst a squealing group of Essex day trippers convince themselves that they just saw ‘the blonde one out of the Saturdays’. The feeling of rage and hopelessness when you realize the only girl at the till that is meant to serve over 15 people is a confused trainee.
VERSUS: ONLINE SHOPPING
The only difference is, obv there’s a greater selection in the actual branches of those shops. But on the internet you’re free to be a rebel and buy shit no-one else has. Ebay still rules and smaller sites ship worldwide for like $10 more. If only Primark sold shit online. That would be so rad.
CINEMA
Okay, so not much compares to sitting in a vaguely empty theatre watching a really good movie on a huge screen. But what about when 50 other people want to see the movie/take advantage of a big air conditioned room. And if you’ve never lost your temper and asked someone to shut the fuck up because now is not the time to have a loud conversation about their cousin’s divorce, then you are a better man than I. Sticky floors. Gross bathrooms. Extortionate prices.
VERSUS: WATCHING A DIVX DVD RIP ON YOUR LAPTOP
Peace. Just you, a bag of chocolate covered raisins, and the movie. No-one to judge you for shedding broken man tears or draping your legs all over the seats except, maybe, for a chosen few. What could be better?
HANGING OUT AT THE TROCADERO/ARCADE
Where you can never get on the DDR machines and will eventually take a wrong turn somewhere, ending up lost in an endless maze of overpriced vendors and screaming children, never to be seen or heard from again.
VERSUS: VIDEO GAMES AT HOME
Where the DDR mat is always free, and it’s perfectly acceptable to clutch a bong whilst using it.
Here are some other fun things you can do within the confines of your own home
- Get really good at cooking: I want to learn how to cook really well because I <3 reading Luxirare and she makes it look so effortless. She makes me feel like a loser for scarfing down handfuls of Cinnamon Grahams for dinner, while she hollows out avocados, and makes pasta from scratch.
- Read: This summer why not turn yourself into that mysteriously smart, cultured broad who carries around Saki anthologies and namedrops Kafka and shit? Or at least finish the Gossip Girl series.
- Start a blog: Writers are the new rock stars, baby. Or at least that’s what I tell myself through muffled sobs every night.
- Build the most badass iTunes library ever: Must have at least three Wu Tang tracks. ‘Gravel Pit’ does not count.
