Self inflicted injuries i could have done without

WORDS: HANNAH JENKINS

You ever forget to think before you act when face to face with FUN?

I do and end up hurting myself a lot —not fml cutter-style, but to say that I’m accident prone is an understatement. I don’t break legs or dislocate elbows. I seem to inflict annoying injuries upon myself instead. I’ve had plenty of adventures and made a few memories in the past twenty-odd years, but my body has paid for it, in aches and discomfort.

Before you start thinking “oh wah, who cares?” and click on through to look at Lesley’s lush new ‘do, I want to share some stories, because recently I’ve been making a conscious effort to simmer down. Since I now live in America, the land where the NHS doesn’t exist and I don’t have any insurance or money, I have to take extra care.

I WAS BLOWN UP BY A FIREWORK
When I was sixteen, my friends and I used to spend the majority of November shooting fireworks out of things, off of things, and into things. We thought we were so super mega ultra cool.
The fun and games ended one evening when I got lit up by a rogue part of a rocket that shot sideways and traveled across the garden into my pulled-up hood and exploded. It knocked me on the ground and my hair caught fire. When I came round it felt like someone had put a nail in my brain through my left ear. My eardrum burst and I had to deal with a shitty hair cut that smelt like burnt toast for a couple of months, but I definitely got off lightly. My hood had taken a lot of the bang and fire and was in tatters, which was lucky for me I guess, but still pretty un-fucking-lucky because if I hadn’t had it up I wouldn’t have been blown up.
Happy (belated) 4th of July!

I WAS KNOCKED OUT BY A SHED
Have you ever been garden hopping? It’s an after-midnight pursuit that’s pretty self-explanatory. In the middle of the night you jump from garden to garden of houses in your neighborhood with your naughty friends, hopping the fences as you go. It’s like parkour but for beach town delinquents.

My friends and I were out garden hopping one night and we reached 32 Abingdon Grove, which was the number one late night obstacle course in Margate. To reach the number 32 garden, you had to scale a seven foot fence, climb onto the roof of a shed and jump down onto the grass. One night I got a boost from my mate, got over the fence and climbed onto the roof. Without thinking I stood up right in the middle of the thin roof with my friend and fell straight through the middle.

I woke up to the sound of a dog barking and an upside down view of number 32′s kitchen light flicking on. I looked up through the gaping hole (that used to be the shed roof) and saw the stars and nothing else. My friends had fucked off and my foot was still caught in this beam. I was helpless and my head was all fucked up, so I had to lie back and wait to be discovered. The rest is horrible history.

MY NOSE WAS BROKEN BY AN ELBOW

My brother and I used to fight full on boxing matches and real-life WWF moves, which usually ended up with me crying. One evening I walked into my room and through the haze of my Keanu Reeves posters I saw him lying on my bed playing Mario Kart. I wanted to snitch and get him into trouble somehow. So I decided it was appropriate to rip the computer cable out of the plug socket and stand there holding it in front of his face. He stood up and elbow smashed me in the face and my nose smooshed from ear to ear. Pretty grim.

paula

Crazy Paula Abdul broke her nose once too “tripping over her chihuahua.” I call bullshit.

OTHER PERSONAL PAINFUL MOMENTS
SOMEBODY STAGE-DIVED ONTO MY HEAD
BIT MY OWN TONGUE AT A DISCO
GIVING BIRTH
STAGE-DIVED ONTO MY OWN HEAD
HORRID CARPET BURN
HEAD-BUTTED BY A PUNK
BASKETBALL IN THE FACE
NUMEROUS BELLY FLOPS

EMPATHY PAIN
A FRIEND WENT OVER THE HANDLEBARS OF HIS BIKE AND SLICED HIS BALLS OPEN BY LANDING ON A SHARD OF CASSETTE TAPE THAT SHATTERED IN HIS POCKET.

Do you have any interesting painful childhood memories?

Jayne

Christine sounds like me in another lifetime. Can't even begin to relate everything I've done stoopid. This year so far I've dislocated both my legs bilaterally at the knees i.e. I ended up like an upside down capital T with the insides of my knees on the floor. Then about 2 months ago I chopped the end of my finger off with a big paper guillotine. They couldn't sew the end back on and now I'm as disfigured as Megan Fox without the joy of being as hot as her. FML.

Jordan..

Yea, the headbutted by a punk is nasty. I played a gig at the arts centre in Colchester and decided on a stage outfit that included shiny black leggings. Not a good idea for a sixteen year old male in a conservative town... So this cocky "I'm confused as fuck about my sexuality so I'm gonna take it out on guys that look remotely gay" style punk guy decides a beating is a suitable punishment for confidence.. Haha, i met him at a gig a few weeks later and he bought me a pint to apologies, so all was well!

hannah jenkins

Christine
...holy shit!

One that I forgot to add:

Rollerskating up the road one summers evening looking cool. Then I fell awkwardly and sat on my leg. I smashed my tail bone (cocyx?) with the back of one of the skates.

my arse hurt for weeks.

I want to hear more, especially anything that involves shins, toenails and eyes.

Emma Twine

christine, that is one of the most impressive lists i have ever heard ever
i think you're cursed
go see a voodoo doctor before you end up dead

James

Ran face-first into pole leading to a broken nose and masses of blood.
Was dressed as a Smurf.
Felt like a twat.

Christine

I broke my arm jumping into a tree.
what? ya. -I jumped for a branch from the picnic table, didnt grip with my hands and landed with my arm behind my back on a tree root.

I was peddling my bike barefoot and ripped my big toenail off my foot.

I was pushed up a ladder at a public swimming pool and cracked my chin open on the cement. stitches. scar.

I got a soccerball to the mouth during california kickball.
...I had braces back then.

I tripped on part of a screen door and dropped my baby brother. (he was fine, i swear)

omg...one of my favs:
I stepped on the bottom of my own pajama pants getting out of a chair and fell ON my ankle. I couldnt walk from the basement and dragged myself up 2 flights of stairs to my mom. crutches at school for 2 days.

In the last two weeks:
-i took a softball to the knee seconds after telling the guy hitting not to hit me (yesterday).(i cant walk without a limp)
-i took a linedrive to the arm playing 2nd base (two weeks before the knee) and had a huge blue poofy bubble appear (arm didnt break though...determined after xrays)
-i was doing downward dog on a deck, forgot there were two levels to ripped my shin off a few hundred layers
-i got a mosquito bite, scratched it and it my forearm doubled in size (you should have seen the pharmacists face when i asked about benadryl)
-i stepped on a sliver of glass watering my neighbours plants for her pulled it out, but unknowingly left a blood trail back to my apartment
-i sliced my thumb after breaking a glass in my kitchen, and reopened the cut 3 times whenever i opened my toothpaste tube.

i have way more.
this article is my life.

eden

i got concussion when i was 7 by falling over into a rock and i still have a dent in my skull.

Adèle Austin

Fell from a swing, going backwards and head first. Concrete kiddie playground. Was 5.

joanna

i was about 12 when my bro and i went to disneyworld with the grandparents. we were getting out of our rented astrovan to go eat dinner and my brother slid the door shut on my middle finger. if you remember, an astrovan has a door that slides so it was way more painful than if he had "closed" a car door on my finder. i was so pissed and in a lot of pain so i just sulked at dinner and put my head on my grandmother's lap.

Abby

I cut my head open with a door when I was about 5, fell down a pothole and broke three tendon things in my ankle, got hit in the nose by a rounders ball and it was all fractured and gross, shut my thumb in my dad's car door and lost the thumb nail (it's grown back now, all ribbed and bumpy) and also accidentally touched one of those cigarette lighters you get in cars while it was still hot and got a circular blister on my other thumb that took about three months to disappear. (y)