Yo.
So I’m changing the way I document my life a bit, which is why I’ve been a bit quiet recently. Anyway, never fear, here is an account of all that has happened since Weiner arrived…
Monday 23rd February
First day at School with Weiner. There was something very special about walking the School corridors with him as he muttered under his breath a detailed narrative about everything and everyone he was passing, “I slept with a girl who looked exactly like her when I was 14. She asked me to call her Vater”. I thought he meant farter, it freaked me out a bit. It freaked me out even more when I realised ‘Vater’ meant Father. Schon. Louise was off sick so he didn’t get to meet her, but after School he came round to mine and – I swear this is true – asked if he could have a bath before we hung out. That’s weird right? He claims it’s because he’s got no hot water at his Mum’s house, but I don’t really see how that can be true since his Mum is a neat freak who’d lose it if her home was anything less than completely and utterly perfect. Anyway. He had his wash (which took about an hour) and then sat on my bed wrapped in a towel, getting the duvet damp in the process, and asked me about where he could go for a good time. He seemed disappointed with my answer, “Pizza Express, but only if you’ve got a voucher”.
Wednesday 24th February
Mum is being really giggly and weird at the moment. I don’t know what’s wrong with her. This morning I came downstairs and told her about all of Weiner’s mental antics, and rather than chastising me for judging him, she started laughing hysterically. So much so that I got a bit carried away in my impersonation of him, to the point where I’d made my own hair into a mohican and was speaking in a bastardised German accent that was both insanely insulting to the entire German nation (who I would like to apologise to now) and also very poor in its execution. At one point Mum was laughing so hard she had to sit down and accidentally spilt yoghurt on her blouse in the process. Which just made her laugh even more. Maybe I should become a stand-up…maybe my Mum has upped her dose of anti-depressants.
Thursday 25th February
Is it weird that I am starting to really relish seeing Weiner? I don’t think I like him, it’s just that he’s really entertaining to be around. He does and says the weirdest stuff – today at School he stayed behind after our study period to talk to Miss. Renfeld for an extra 40minutes – missing lunch. I went back to find him and they were sitting opposite each other eating their respective sandwiches and sharing a bag of McCoys. I don’t know how he does it. Miss. Renfeld isn’t attractive, and I don’t think it’s that he wants to bone her, he just finds people really interesting. He was telling me all this stuff about her – her childhood in Hong Kong, that her fiance is a big shot Banker but really wants to be an architect, that she runs marathons. He’s a legend.
Although he also pisses me off a lot of the time when he tries to psycho-analyse me. He’ll ask me probing questions about bullshit stuff and then not say anything for ages, other than going “mmm” and “so how did that make you feel?” I might start making up that I have deep desires to kill puppies or rape clowns, just to see what he says. Anyway, he’s making me go out with him in town tomorrow night. I keep telling him the bouncers are mental, and that there’s no way we’ll get in anyway without ID. He just shushes me and taps his nose like the total wang that he is. Although if anyone could charm their way into a club, it would be him.
Mum watch: Still being very excitable.
Saturday 27th February
Last night was completely and utterly insane. Fucking hell. Weiner picked me up from my house dressed completely in black, and I’m pretty sure he was wearing eye liner. He looked me up and down with a face of pity, sighed and then asked in a melancholy voice if I was ready to party. I replied that I was, and asked if something was wrong:
(By the way this conversation is exaggerated slightly for effect. Truth FTW)
“She is leaving me”
“Who is?”
“Who do you think?! My lady, my woman, my boo”
“Oh right. Sorry man…Although since she lives in another country surely it’s you leaving her?”
“Ugh, I mean emotionally you moron”
“I see. Sorry, I am not as fluent in the language of relationships as you are”
“That is OK. I understand. Yes she says she can no longer have a romance with someone who is a lone wolf, who cannot be tamed”
“She’s into bestiality?!”
My bad – apparently he is the lone wolf who cannot be tamed, and she has decided that since she is in the prime of life there is no way she can waste her beauty by being with someone who is not there to appreciate her visually on a daily basis. ”Skype?” I offered – a suggestion that was met with one of his now famous withering looks.
“Anyway” he said, “I am a single man, and I want to reclaim my dick (grabs dick for added effect), so lets get ourselves into town and into The Wetherspoons”.
I can’t remember much else of what happened other than that he did manage to get us in without ID’s, I drank my weight in Magners and Jagermeister, we met two girls – also underage – called Claire and Sophie, and then followed them to a party in the middle of nowhere. The last I saw of Weiner he was escorting them both into a bedroom while singing that Drake song. I walked home (I think), which must have taken about 4 hours, as I rang Louise when I left and again when I got home.
It was fucking great. I love Weiner. Even Louise playing me back my embarrassing voice mails in McDonalds this afternoon couldn’t kill my high.
Just got off the phone to Weiner, apparently he got home at 6am and went straight out for a run. We’re going out with Claire and Sophie next week. Fuck yes.
