Sunday 22nd November

EDITORS NOTE: Secret Diary Boy sent us a really long diary entry yesterday, so we’ve split it into three to make it easier to digest.  Very sorry to keep you waiting for the following sections.

I mean, it just feels really weird.  The word that keeps scrolling through my brain in neon writing like a Windows screen saver is ‘weird’.  It’s like one moment you are the same person you’ve always been, anemic-looking, b0wl-haircutted, and full of hatred for anything after 2005, and then suddenly you’re not.  You’re naked, covered in sweat, and completely and utterly confused.  I woke up this morning at Amy’s house, with no idea where the fuck I was, and so desperate to urinate I almost forgot that the previous night I’d used that particular body part for something else.  Then I remembered and freaked the fuck out.  But, actually, in a really calm way.  I’d always imagined the next morning I’d be filled with feelings of inadequacy, perhaps even loss, and most definitely guilt.  And I did feel all those things.  But more than that, I felt fucking relieved.  It’s like something you’ve always known was going to happen to you, this huge black salivating dog following you around and gradually getting closer and closer, so you eventually you just want to get it over with, and don’t actually care if you were any good (I wasn’t.  I was shocking.  Thank god this is secret).

REWIND.  If someone at Platform could put in one of those rewind noises here that would be fucking brilliant.

We went to see new fucking moon.  I don’t get it.  Any of it.  I don’t get why the fuck Amy had to book 2 weeks in advance in order to get us tickets, I don’t get why there were so many fucking girls (a lot of them pretty hot as well) all squealing before they went in, I don’t get why I spotted at least three adults (2 of which were men) guiltily sidling into the seats, and I really really don’t get why they all fucking applauded at the end.  Although people applauding in the cinema has always seemed really fucking weird to me anyway (can someone count how many times I say ‘weird’ in this entry please?)  Anyway, I won’t spoil it for anyone by saying what happens (Vamp leaves, fit brown haired girl from X Factor gets depressed, best mate turns into a werewolf, vamp tries to kill himself by walking in sunlight, X Factor girl saves him).

We were on the bus after the movie and I was about to get off when Amy said, “You know my parents are away?”  Just like that.  No warning, nothing mentioned earlier in the night, no indication that tonight was going to be A Big Fucking Deal, nothing.  I was a bit taken aback but then thought maybe it was some test, maybe I am supposed to be aware of her parent’s timetable at all times, to prove I really care about her.  So I nonchalantly replied, “Oh yeah, I think you mentioned it, how’s that going?”  She smiled, clearly seeing straight through my attempt to not give a fuck, and whispered in my ear, “wanna come back to mine?”  For the first time in my life I did one of those cartoon gulps, completely without meaning to, and said yes.

When we got back to hers her little sister was on the sofa watching a film that, from the noises the main characters were making, was definitely inappropriate.  It was a bit awkward, Amy was telling her off but all I could think was “Are you going to make those noises later?”  After that I needed to sit down.  In some bizarre act of pretending we were actually old enough to be doing what we potentially might end up doing, Amy “fixed us some drinks” while I flicked through a magazine.  I felt like we were playing dress-up as a suburban couple parenting a sex-obsessed daughter.  We sipped white Russians – which was vodka and shit mixed with milk, the milk illustrating just how much I felt like a stupid child at that moment.  It tasted a bit like syrupy cold sick, but after three we were both pretty wasted, and then Amy started trying to be sexy.  I say trying, because I can remember, even in my drunk state, that at one moment I thought, “What the fuck is she doing?”  She kept just sort of rubbing herself against my leg and scratching her hands down my t shirt, flicking her hair as she went.  I mean, she’s really fucking hot so she got a way with it, but there was a point where I had to look away because it was just freaking me out.

I then started thinking about what I should be doing.  My experiences in this area can take me very comfortably up to a certain point, but after that I have no fucking clue.  Porn has been my only teacher, and surprisingly there are very few females in my Wednesday night staple, ‘Dancing Queers’.  I’m joking, I watch heterosexual porn.  And wank off to the men.  I’m joking.  But I do worry sometimes that I’m so clueless about getting from point C to point FUCK YES, that I might accidentally do something really stupid, like bring a banana into the bedroom and say, “Want to do it with this first so you know you’re ready for my mooooves”.  Obviously rationally, normally, I would know that would be completely wrong (although they do do it in Dancing Queers and it makes those tasty boys go totally crazy) (I’m joking), but in the heat of the moment who knows what my sex addled brain might think is OK?

I didn’t really have much chance to consider what stupid things to do though, as a second later Amy started pulling off my trousers.