Tuesday 13th October

I am really embarrassed about my last post.  Thank god you were kind to me (props to maunk and his unwaveringsupport) and the jokes genuinely cracked my sad little face into one big, messy toothed smile.  But yeah, it was very shameful to be such a whiny little shit on the worldwide, massive fat cat media corporation that is Platform.

So I am not going to do that anymore, I am not going to be ‘that guy’.  And by ‘that guy’, I mean someone who wears a chain on his glasses so they don’t fall off, often wanks into socks and then forgets and wears them to School, picking crust off his cotton all day.  ‘That guy’ probably also has photos of page three models above his bed, “so I can wake up every morning looking at my girl”.  Ewww.

Maybe I will start a band, or play volleyball.  One of the two.  Oh wait, is volleyball a homosexual sport?  No that I have a problem with that, but since my sexual confidence is in tatters at the moment, I am mainly looking for hetero pursuits  I think volleyball is what they play in Top Gun (nearly wrote Top Gear there, which is obviously also an incredibly gay sport), but I reckon as long as I don’t don the tight white shorts I can invest in some friendly back and forth with big ball,  while still keeping my heterosexual profile firmly in tact.

I went shopping with my mum after School today, and she actually managed to be pretty normal for once (shit, am I slipping back into ‘pathetic’ territory again? “Ooh shopping with Mummy Dearest”).  Anyway mum was so normal in fact that I broached the subject of the Louise/Lucy triangle.  Well it’s not really a triangle since neither of them actually like me.  Realistically it’s just a flat line, a flat line I trip over most days somewhere on School grounds, embarrassing myself yet again by saying something douchebag-esque or falling smack bang into Miss Gregg’s boobs while trying to get an eyeful of Lucy’s bum.  Not literally an eyeful of bum, that would be painful.  And weird.  Now it is all I can think about though. I did genuinely fall on Miss Gregg’s boobs though once, Miss Gregg is 50+ and always smells of digestives.

Through a mouthful of cream pie Mum said, “Looees s rely thice, yoo thud mack up with ha”, which minus cake crumbs and saliva translates as, “Louise is really nice, you should make up with her”.  Louise is really nice, I should make up with her, although I am aware that Mum’s character profile of her is mainly based on the time Louise came round and ‘played Gok Wan’, courageously restyling her for a date.  Louise did a great Wan impression, complete with those awful, awful ego bolstering phrases such as “get your baps out” and “smashing pins – you shake that ass girl”.  I think at one point she even grabbed her boobs and turned to grin grotesquely at an imaginary camera.  Mum loved it.

So with that in mind, and a pair of new jeans comfortably hugging my thighs and supporting my manhood, I have drafted this email to Louise to make amends.  God knows what I am making amends for, but that’s just women eh? Can’t live with em’ can’t read their minds without some highly scientific piece of equipment that ain’t bloody been invented yet…What do you think?

Hey you (too smoochy/twee?)

Hope you’re well, Jack told me he’s having a great time with you at the moment.  I just wanted to say hello really, and check everything is OK.  I’m sorry if I’ve been weird or upset you, just wanted to say sorry if I’ve done something wrong.  Would be nice to hang out if you’re up for it – Peep Show and meat feast on Friday?

[insert my name here]

Personally I think that’s a terrible, awful, shitty email. Fuck it, I am pathetic.  Help me.