Who would bother making a whole TV programme knowing that their entire audience is trying to do get dressed and leave the house? Fair enough Everybody Loves Raymond is on at that time, but it has more of an 11:20pm Channel 4 vibe to it and if you’re watching that then you’re probably a dickhead anyway.
The people who commission TV programmes at the BBC obviously don’t have to get in to work very early, because someone has evidently sat and watched Will & Grace and Everybody Loves Raymond before they got into work regularly and thought ‘˜what the world really needs is an episodic kids TV programme for 30 minutes every morning’, so here it is:
This is Dani.
Like everyone in the genre of ‘slightly more grown up programming which is still meant for kids’ it’s difficult to determine her real age, and the age she’s meant to be. I guess she’s around 16, but there’s no mention of if it’s a weekend or if it’s supposed to be the summer holidays… She hangs around with these two guys:
who also look of indeterminate age. (I hope the girl is at least 18 because I think she’s pretty hot).
In this episode, the main girl, Dani, was really pissed off because she didn’t have any sexy clothes to wear to a movie premiere. So her friends did their best to make her look hot for it by washing her hair and putting a dress on her.
I think the moral of the story was that it doesn’t matter if you have a hot date or become paralysed in a horrible accident, your real-friends would still be prepared to wash and dress you. All I could think though was ‘˜why is she going to a movie premier? Is she supposed to be famous? I thought she was just a normal 16 year old girl who hangs out with a 14 year old boy and a hot 21 year old stripper??’
But when she saw herself in her dress she got even more upset.
‘Oh No!!’ I thought.
The truth is, she walked about looking like a moody cow all the time, so I was surprised she had any friends to begin with.
And then for some reason (I think to show that this programme was intended for kids), the camera cut away to two aliens who were watching it all on TV giving their own little meta-commentary on the proceedings.
And then just to confirm that this programme really is a kids TV show two little 10 year old boys popped up out of nowhere and squirted ketchup on her, for a reason I couldn’t quite figure out.
Of course, it wasn’t a complete disaster. Because Danni had real friends they jumped in front of the ketchup and took the worst of it for her (see the moral here?).
Except that Danni, being the moody-faced cow that she is, still wasn’t happy. ‘When will she be?’, I thought, ‘she’s 16 and going on dates to movie premieres’, she doesn’t realise how good she’s got it’.
Oh, but if only I knew’ She was actually upset that she had told a lie about going to the premiere. She wasn’t going and didn’t have a date at all ‘And with those friends of hers going to all that effort’, I thought’
But because they were real friends they forgave her for it instantly and didn’t hold a grudge. Yaaay!!! Let’s hear it for real friends!!
Oh, and just to make sure they made left you with a good feeling to start the day, all the characters chased each other off the screen squirting bottles of ketchup.
And then surprisingly it cut back to the aliens who summed up the moral story of ‘real friends’ in a surprisingly post-modern way about how they shit on you and stab you in the back’
Oh, the laughs!
