Unfortunately, as most people will establish fairly early on in their lives, that maxim is a steaming pile of bullshit and no matter how many times a dinner lady smugly told you that “words can’t hurt you”, you could probably tell even then that behind her milky glaucoma-filled eyes, she was lying to you. Yes, you don’t need to be beaten over the head with a stone or beaten with a stick to know that there are other ways of feeling ‘hurt’. The funny feelings they create inside you are called emotions and can sometimes be frustrating to put into words as although you do feel them, you also can’t see them, but that’s not to mean they aren’t there’ See how confusing this is??

What I’m trying to say is that the simple solution to make sure that you never have to confront the root cause of these problems is to go on a website called Revengecrabs.com. If you ever find yourself in the situation where you can’t help but avoid these “emotions” and you find they upset you (maybe a lover has jilted you, or a friend has slighted you?), you might start to get confused by the world and take it out on strangers for the rest of your life even though it’s not their fault. But there is a way to avoid letting it fuck your head up and having you turn into a Psycho Hose Beast.

By ordering a Petri-dish of crabs from the website you can let loose a whole hoard of crabs in your enemy’s bed / clothes / wank-rag and comfort yourself with the knowledge that you have exacted revenge on the one person who your venom is most targeted at and can swiftly move on with your own life.

Now you’ve learnt to cope with problems like a real grown-up you won’t ever have to worry about being called names ever again.

Here is a diagram of how the crabs will take effect:

WORDS AND ILLUSTRATION: CHRIS O’REAL