Voting is so complicated. All those options. And the bloody pencil. And you have to do an “X”, that’s two whole strokes. Plus there’s finding your polling card, getting to the polling station and not farting while you cast your ballot. With all that going on it’s a wonder you get a chance to order your thoughts and decide who to vote for.
Well don’t worry, you’re not alone. These are the muddled thought process of your fellow voters as they decide where to mark their territory.
BNP
Now let’s get one thing straight, I’m not a racist, I’m really not. I’m just a honest British bloke who grew up in this country and doesn’t want to see it go to pot. I don’t want to see Bradford become Bradmanistan and I know that if nothing is done then in 50 years there won’t be any indigenous white people left in this country, we won’t be able to celebrate Christmas, and we’ll all have to read aloud from the Koran every morning before our halal breakfast.
I mean, it is true that we don’t let non-white people join the party, and yes we are playing upon popular fear and unrest about the recession and expenses scandal to support our suspect agenda. But overall, it’s like one of our supporters said to an undercover reporter recently: “BNP. Bloody Never Pakis, mate.”
Conservative
I think it’s important we keep the Pound. I mean a Euro isn’t even as much as a Pound is it? So if we change won’t we will all, like, loose money? Besides, I like that David Cameron. He’s got a nice face. He’d probably eat you out and wipe you down with a baby wipe afterwards. That’s the kind of a politician I want.
Green
A man told me a story the other day. He said if you put a frog in a pan of boiling water it’ll just jump straight out. But if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and heat it up slowly, then to frog doesn’t notice the water getting gradually hotter and eventually gets boiled alive! Now, imagine that frog is the Earth man. The Earth is the frog and we’ve got our hands on cooker control thing, yeah. If we cook that frog then what are we left with…? Probably a basic soup, but I’m like a strict vegan so what use is that?
Labour
I’m a rebel, I’m not going to get swayed by “the news” or “public opinion”. I’m going to vote the same way I always vote. The same way my old dad voted. Red. It wouldn’t matter if Gordon Brown was filmed raping Susan Boyle in the ear, I’d still be a Labour voter. And I tell you what else, Labour win. Have done for the past 12 years, will do for the next 12. What? What do you mean we’ve come fifth behind UKIP and the BNP?
Liberal Democrat
I am a Liberal Democrat and I’m better than you. I spend my spare time campaigning for social justice, freedom of speech, and equality. I am so comfortable with my nationality that I don’t care if some French peasant farmer is given the power to set our minimum wage. And it doesn’t matter if we lose because we know we’re in the right. Oh yeah, and I eat whole foods so I’ll live much longer than you too.
UKIP
Ever since Robert Kilroy-Silk resigned as our party leader I have just sat slumped on my sofa watching ‘best of Kilroy’ tapes that I recorded myself off the TV. I won’t be voting today. There’s an orange Kilroy-sized hole in my heart that no amount of reactionary anti-EU voting can fill.
PLATFORM SAYS: Today we’ll be voting Lib Dem. They have to the most postive European policies and we feel like the Government could do with a mini-drubbing. If you’re still in doubt take the vote match survey. It’s very useful for shaking you ditherers off the fence.
WORDS: MARK FOUNTAIN
