Us gays are everywhere nowadays. We shop in Waitrose with you, we walk past you in the street, and we even use the same toilets as you – although, a lot of my friends just queue for the toilet rather than piss next to straight guys. Stage fright isn’t it.
Obviously we’ve all got iPhones, and there’s an app called ‘Grindr’, made famous by gay hero Stephen Fry on lads TV show Top Gear. Ever wanted to have loads of photos of strangers dicks forced virtually down your throat? There’s an app for that. Their website (with a picture of a topless bulging muscle mary soaping up a sports car) calls it a place to meet gay, bi and curious guys for no strings fun.
I came across Grindr when my best friend stormed in to my sitting room and said “Babes! I’ve just got an app that tells you where the gays are!” It’s a bit like the Sims with the green diamonds over their heads, but instead they’re pink and saying “Oh hi, I’m Gay.” It’s loads of fun. Even though you can have a free download (obvs I’ve got that, I’m not paying a fucking penny) or a proper one, you’ve got to try before you buy. So, here are my experiences, slowly introducing you in to the world of the Grind.
Everyone has their picture in a little square on the home page, and if you don’t like what you see (this happens VERY often) you can always ‘load more guys…’ It also tells you how far away you are from them. Seeing ‘7 metres’ is quite scary. There are picture rules laid down by Grindr high command, e.g. “no image that is sexually explicit” or, my personal favourite, no image that uses “sex props, toys, including the use of fruits/vegetables.”
I’ve got a couple of favourites on there; the guy who I always talk to who is really nice, but I’ll never meet him because he has no future prospects for me, and no money. There’s the chavvy guy (his photo is him in football shorts) who is just desperate to fuck me, and I’m just desperate to fuck him, only I won’t ever do it because I don’t dare send him my location. He actually just popped up on my screen asking if I was free, but I bullshitted and said my friend was coming over because I’m too much of a pussy. I’ve also seen quite a few sights. Big fat daddy bears, men who like to wear nappies and a guy wearing a rubber fetish dog mask with his tongue sticking out, begging for a good fisting. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s just not for me.
One time I arranged to meet a fellow Grindrer, let’s call him Tony. It was just like Blindah Date with Cilla, only she wasn’t there. It was my first Grindah date. I’d been speaking to Tony for quite a while, and had seen him on my bus a few times before I even got Grindr and thought he looked pretty hot, so I thought it would be just fine. I walked in to the bar and saw him hunched over in the corner, dribbling. He had really thin hair. I fucking shit myself. I went straight over, made a show and dance of myself and went straight to the bar.
The evening consisted of me mostly talking about myself. I knocked a beer over, kept making excuses to go to the toilet, and gave someone else my number on the sly. All dating etiquette went completely out of the Grindr window. It felt like I didn’t have to worry because it was still cyber even though we were face to face. It was the future. Gay robots and all. I began to get hideously bored and made my excuses. “I have to go home, I’ve got a really bad headache and I have work in the morning,” I said. “Really? Just stay for one more drink!” he said. Oh yeah, just stay for one more drink so you can pour some Rohypnol in there babes. I said – “Do you seriously think we’re having a good time?” I don’t think he got it. Begrudgingly, I let him walk me halfway home where he tried to kiss me. I just pushed him and ran as fast as I could.
There are success stories though. My best friend fell in love ‘on the bus’ – he found him on Grindr when he was on the 73 and now tells everyone they met on the bus. Well, they did right? I asked him what his tips were for finding love in the digital world of dick. “Cast your net wide. Use your Oyster. Make a day of it, and be ruthless.” Loves it.
There’s many more horror stories to share, but not for now. I wouldn’t want to embarrass too many people, or myself much further. For more info visit the Grindr website or search for Grindr in the App Store. If you’ve not got an iPhone then just head down to The Joiners as usual and hang around the toilets.
