I have never been on a date with someone I met on the internet because I have what’s called a ‘social circle’ and ‘friends’, and I usually meet girls I have stuff in common with through those two avenues, without having to solicit for other people who enjoy nights in, blood play and being fed until they have to wash their backs with sponge on a stick on a website that I have to pay a tenner a month for.
INTERVIEW: ROBERT FOSTER
SMUTTY ILLUSTRATIONS: CHRIS O’NEILL
There is an argument, however, that if you have a ‘social circle’ and ‘friends’ but you just really love to fuck, it’s fair enough to go on these websites and look for sex pals.
Recently I spoke to (emailed) a guy who otherwise seems perfectly reasonable and socially capable, but who has had a lot of sex through the internet.
He spoke for ages by the way, so I split it up onto another page at the bottom. I hope you can handle that. He wants to remain anonymous so let’s just call him Pauly Shore (please click that link, it’s a gem: ‘hopefully I’ll be doing a fresh piece in a couple’).
How did you get into internet dating?
Pauly: I accepted that it is acceptable for me to do it, and that I could probably keep it secret from my friends. Although I have a massive gob, so everyone soon found out.
Talk us through the process, how do you word your profile etc?
I learned through multiple rewrites how to word it so normal people find me the interesting side of normal, instead of the interesting side of interesting which I am, but which would result in no interest on this particular site! I chose a nice range of pics from my facebook account, ones where I look ‘fun’ and ‘exciting’. It’s very straightforward. It’s a bit weird when they ask you what star sign you want your potential partner to have though.
Do you essentially abuse an otherwise respectable dating site or are you just a member of a sex site?
I think its more fun decoding the language and taking a little dice throw on a dating site. When you log onto a sex site, there’s not much mystery in “fat 40 year old brunette looking for a cock stabbin’ in the log cabin” is there really? At least with the dating site, you have to play a few games, make a few guesses, do some cyber sleuthing etc…
Is there a special code on the respectable site?
Very simple. Fun loving or looking for fun, easy going or just plain fun – these are good things to look for.
Easy going – I won’t text you 6 times a day if we have sex one time
Fun loving – I like to have sex
Looking for fun – I am looking for sex
Fun – basically this is just someone stating the word sex
Looking for someone to share good times with – looking for someone to have sex with
Looking for someone to relax with – looking for sex with someone who isn’t intense and mental
Then there are the ones to be wary of:
Looking for Mr Right – looking to latch onto any man I can and never let go
Looking for knight in shining armour – I am looking for someone to make my life less boring
Looking for a generous man to sweep me off my feet – this means someone classically hot and very shallow looking for someone to buy them clothes and shoes
looking for ‘the one’ – looking for meaning in my pointless life
There are some more general codes in use as well
Attractive/gorgeous – I am better looking than you
Bubbly – annoying
Well traveled – I don’t have any hobbies
I like all types of music – I hate music
I like going to gigs – I like Kings of Leon
I like going to festivals with my mates – I like V
I like to relax with a bottle of vino and a dvd – I am pissed all the time
I enjoy a laugh – I am not funny
There’s loads of others if you want more!
What was your first hook up like?
We met up at London Bridge, got drunk on cocktails, she took me back to her flat. That’s when I realised I was really onto something.
How many women have you slept with because of all this?
Loads. It’s given me 92% of my sex since September – I sat down and worked it out. An exact figure would be inappropriate though I feel.
What’s the best hook up you’ve had?
Australian. What a nation! Absolutely no pretense at all. Meet up at 8:00pm, sit down at 8:02pm, bring drinks for the two of us at 8:06pm, hand straight in the special area by 8:10. Then a couple of drinks later “So, do you wanna shag me then?” Well, yes, to be honest. And it was the cool acrobatic kind, you know where you get sweaty and you don’t go under the cover. She was also stunning; great body, lovely blue eyes, gorgeous red hair. Yes, this stuff really happens, in real life. This proves that: A. internet dating is ace, and B. real life is ace. Not a single text afterward, nothing. Fantastic.
What’s the worst you’ve had?
I upset a girl I slept with. She thought we could make a go of something. She text me a few times after, and I was a bit rubbish at getting back to her. I felt pretty bad. I met up with her and sorted it out. I’m actually nice, and don’t enjoy hurting people, I guess the lesson learned, is be careful, look before you leap, just ask them if its ok, that they have no expectations or something I guess. I’m more careful on this particular issue now.
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