Shit the bed guys, New Moon is out in like 2 days.

I know, I know, I’ve already got my coke and my popcorn and in fact, you know what? I’m nestled down in my seat at the cinema as I type ‘cos THAT’S HOW BIG A FAN I AM. And hey, I’ve been a fan way longer than you anyway; I read the books when they were still in Word files on the author’s laptop. Actually you know what, I WAS THE ONE WHO CAME TO HER IN A DREAM AND GAVE HER THE IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE. Screw you guys.

And I dunno what all this bollocks in the press about R-Patz and K-Stew is about ‘cos they’re so not together. I mean, their astrological signs completely clash for start and anyway she looks like a boy and he’s not a bummer. I totally saw him once outside a TV studio (I was hiding in a bin) and we locked eyes and I felt something. We didn’t speak, but we didn’t need to, sometimes you just know. I’ve never felt this way about a boy before, but it’s just so much harder being in love with celebrity than a pleb because it’s more difficult to meet them properly. But I was super psyched when Elizabeth said she knew him so I eventually found him on Facebook and I’ve friend requested him but he’s been so busy that he’s not had a chance to accept yet. I’m not angry, he’s got a lot on his plate at the moment and he’s probably really tired. I just wish I could go over and give him a cuddle and a nice sponge bath. I know he’s probably feeling really lonely and wanting the exact same thing.

And not just ‘cos loads of people say he smells. So what if he does? It’s funny ‘cos I used to hate baths as a child (fate, huh?) and you know what, maybe he’s got better things to do than make time for a little water and Original Source OKAY? He’s the fucking lead in the most iconic films of our time so MAYBE just MAYBE he’s got a few lines to learn, a few TV appearances to do, a few co-star romance rumours to quash. Just give him a break.

People say the only people who like Twilight are socially-retarded gothic morons who don’t have friends in real life but that’s so untrue – I’ve never once worn crushed velvet, and black lipstick would be way too harsh for my complexion. And I do have friends – I’ve got loads of bezzos on the Metro Station forum, we’re planning to meet up for the first time just before Christmas. There’s talks of a mass suicide but I’m not sure I’m into that.

Oh and oh my God, guess what? I’m flying out to the official Twilight convention in Washington state, USA in January as that’s the state the film’s set in. But you’d know that if you were a fan. My parents are a bit pissed off as they think I’m deluded and I need to find a real boy but they’ll be eating their words when I’m Lisa Pattinson and I’m pictured walking down the street hand in hand with Hollywood’s hottest. My Dad’s all like ‘Oh isn’t that Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter’ and I’m all ‘Dad, you’re a fucking twat you just don’t understand, of course you’ve not seen Twilight, it’s not aimed at old men’ and he’s all ‘Look, you’re 23, you need to stop with these obsessions’ but God he just doesn’t understand – and anyway, the Lance from *NSync thing wasn’t an obsession, it was real and the only thing that hindered it was the fact he was so busy all the time trying to get to the moon. If he hadn’t cancelled that TRL appearance then he’d have found me lying naked in his dressing room covered in maple syrup and waffles. Instead Hillary Duff did but whatever, it’s fine. I don’t like her anyway so the restraining order doesn’t affect me.

Anyway, you know what, I’ve had a boyfriend, what’s my Dad fucking talking about, we were official on Facebook for nearly 2 weeks but then he got all pissed off and dumped me ‘cos apparently making him wear glow-in-the-dark fangs and listen to ‘Vampire Love’ whilst fooling around was ‘plain fucked up’. No BABE, you know what’s plain fucked up – the size of your wang. What are you – a Borrower?!

I just can’t wait ’til the film finally rolls, don’t tell anyone but I’m gonna be filming the whole film through a camera I’ve had fitted specially in my eye so I can watch it over and over and over.

Oh I’ve got to go, the cleaning lady’s here, fuck she’s seen me, she’s gonna throw me out again. Fuck fuck fuck.

FUCKING HELL, NO-ONE UNDERSTANDS ME, I WISH I WAS A CULLEN.