I got a bike recently and I’ve been cycling to work, it’s a great feeling and endorphins make a change from the relentless inertia of the past eight years since I was last made to do any physical exercise.
But now I have to carry my shit somewhere other than my hands, and if I want to take of my jacket I can’t just put it over my shoulder cos I’m going at 9000 miles an hour through a traffic jam or whatever.
The only bag I have is this one I got from the Evening Standard guy at the train station and it’s really bad because it has Evening Standard written on it. I call it the nerdsack, it works two ways, because it is a both a rucksack for a nerd and also it sounds a bit like nadsack, which, of course, is slang for ballsack.
I don’t usually give nicknames to containers but I have to be able to make a decent joke about it when anyone female sees me in public, so that they know that I’m a jokes kind of guy and I don’t.
That bag is just one of those things that is ultimately pretty useful and helpful but also completely dorky. I think that there are a few other things like that:
Bike helmets – they look like they’re from the space age, they don’t go with any clothes at all and they strap underneath your chin and make you look like a nerdsoldier. BUT they will ultimately prevent you from suffering severe brain damage and years of rehabilitation and harrowing pain for your family and friends in the event of a collision. Why aren’t they compulsory?
Double locking doors – What kind of a supernerd takes the time to actually double lock the door in the morning? Did you get up in good time for work or something? How anal do you want to be? Do you really think anyone wants your stuff that badly? NERD. Again, however, the nerds might be winning on this, as doors that have just slammed shut tend to be easier for crackhead’s wrinkly, withered hands to get in and get to your Macbooks. We should be more cautious.
Tying your shoelaces tight - It looks SO bad, it’s the kind of thing I imagine Steve Carell’s character in 40 Year Old Virgin might do, maybe with a pair of New Balance or something. Shoes should be loose fitting and wide, tie anything up tight = you are uptight. But I bet those prudes could run after and apprehend someone who grabbed their girlfriend’s bag or something, without having to tread gingerly or not flick their feet too far forward.
Yeah, so being being a nerd is pretty sensible but it’s also still totally lame, so in an effort to hide what a fucking spod I am, I’ve covered the Evening Standard logo with a patch from a Japanese crust/doom band that sing in Spanish and refuse to be interviewed. BAM. Not a nerd anymore and no one is any the wiser.
