A few years ago, Channel 4 broadcast a programme called Celebrity Blind Man’s Bluff. The show was based on the premise of three not-really-very-famous people negotiating their way from Blackpool to London as if blind. Obviously revelations abounded. Thanks to the efforts of Sean Hughes, Gail Porter and Linda Robson (who?) it turns out not being able to see anything makes life pretty hard. Who knew that being able to look where you’re going is a vital skill? After a day of bumping their shins into steps and tripping over curbs, these see-list (get it?) celebrities were lucky enough to take off their blindfolds and wax lyrical about how profound the whole experience was. Great work, Channel 4, if slightly insensitive.

WORDS: STEPHEN PIETRZYKOWSKI

Being a blind celebrity can sometimes be a blessing – it never hurt Stevie Wonder or Ray Charles or John Milton. But imagine you’re blind and not famous? Double trouble you can’t see coming.

There are over 150, 000 registered blind people in the UK, and sadly for them we live in a sight-based culture – no one ever says ‘hear what I mean’. I’ve even read academic books on this. It may seem obvious to say, but if you can’t see, you’re deeply restricted, even if you do get a cool dog and are allowed to carry around a stick without being given an ASBO.

And I’ve some, ahem, insight into the subject too. My housemate for two years at university and a bonafide BFF is unfortunately losing his sight as a result of a genetic disorder. Rather than crying blind tears of hate about it, he’s decided to turn self-deprecation into an art form of sorts. He’s more than willing to take the piss out of his shit eyes.

As he’s not yet completely blind, I sent him some questions via email and he offered up some revealing perceptions of what it was like to slowly enter a world of darkness.

Can you explain the condition you have?
To be honest, not in great detail. I don’t really care what it is. I just know it’s a pain in the arse. So, I might be wrong in my description, but it’s called Retinits Pigmentosa and I believe that abnormalities in the make-up of the retina gradually erodes its ability to do its job.

When did you find out?
I found out when I was about 18. I had just started going in to town the previous year or so and was under the impression that people danced, talked and tried it on with each other in total darkness. After spending many evenings ordering drinks off wall displays I found out that my brother had been diagnosed with a hereditary eye condition that begins with night blindness, so I was required to go to the hospital to see if I shared it. I struck out.

What was your initial reaction?
If I remember rightly, I was starving. I had other worries, basically.

How much are you able to see at the moment?
I can’t really complain. My sight is pretty bad but bearable and easy to adapt to.  I have night blindness and in the day, I’m noticing it more and more every year – never see people trying to shake my hand or pass me drinks etc – I have tunnel vision but not excessively.

Tell me something funny that has happened because of your sight?
I went to Vegas a few years back and on the first night, although tired and not in the mood, thought that the cliched trip to a strip club was the thing to do. When an attractive woman walked by I asked her to take her clothes off for me.  This was the first gamble, as I could barely see her and was just aware of her figure but the gamble was successful.

I was dragged away from my friends and into an even more secluded (i.e. dark) area where for the next how-ever-many-minutes I was completely un-sexily attacked at regular intervals by an invisible nipple monster.  It violated my mouth and dragged itself across my forehead. I was drunk, bemused and a little frightened. It was less of a turn-on than listening to Jo Brand talk about her period.  I did not know where I was, who was around or even what I was sitting on. I could well have been outside on a stage being pointed and laughed at by paying customers.

Every now and again I would feel the soft, warm and smooth sensation of female skin and occasionally the mellifluous tones of a purring woman. It was like being at the dentists, but getting given the lollipop at the same time as the root canal. It’s hard to be aroused when the nipples in your mouth could have belonged to Eric Bristow.

Other than the obvious fact that your sight is impaired, what are the biggest challenges?
Other people. Putting up with people reacting to being informed of my visual impairment by talking very loudly, like a British tourist in France.  I wonder if deaf people ever get ushered around the place with a helpful arm on their elbow?

Are there any advantages?
Being visually impaired and being lazy are starting to blur in to one.  If people offer to do stuff for me I always used to decline but not lately. Sometimes people treat me like I’m as disabled as Stephen Hawking. At first you’re offended, but then you think; why can’t a blind person piss his pants if he wants?

Is there anything in particular you want to do/see before you lose your sight completely?
If I know blindness, and I think I do, the losing of my sight is inevitably going to lead to me acquiring great musical ability, likely in the jazz genre.  I’ll use that lifestyle to do the things I could never have achieved as a sighted person.

Is there anything you’re glad you wont have to see again?
I would be glad of not seeing middle-aged women in the office bemoan the lack of success of their latest diet whilst pushing their words past the multitude of cream cake ingredients that swamp their mouths.  I will also be glad of not seeing Ainsley Harriot, period dramas or quiz show hosts smile inanely whilst listening to a mundane anecdote from an 80 year-old incontinent contestant.

Who’s your favourite famous blind person?
My favourite blind person is the Star Trek: the Next Generation character Geordi La Forge. I’m in no way a fan of sci-fi, but that guy went blind with dignity. In the 24th century, where food can be conjured out of nothing by request from a hole in the wall and humans can be transported to any other location in the cosmos, Geordi La Forge still had to advertise his blindness to the Universe by wearing a ridiculous gold band across his face.  How many years must it have taken to put the finishing touches to the hologram program so they could all play interactive computer games yet no one bothered to cure the blind twat in the corner?

Yet, does he mention it? Does he ever say, when the bald guy requests that they set their phasers or tazers or whatever they are to stun, ‘I’ve a better idea, set my eyes to ’see”? No. Not once does he draw attention to this clear ethical imbalance, he just gets on with his job as Chief Engineer, a blind engineer!

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen?
Deirdre Barlow

Do any of your other senses heighten as your sight diminishes?
I’m no Daredevil. I listen to music using earphones occasionally and did so growing up so my hearing is pretty lame.  My nose is good but, although they’ve pretty much exhausted all the possible superhero powers, I doubt that a good nose could be used to thwart evil.