INGREDIENTS

Tortilla Wraps
2 red onions, thinly sliced
170g – Frozen spinach (defrosted 75g)
350g – Flageolet beans (drained weight)
300ml РHalf fat cr̬me fraiche (or natural yoghurt)
425g – Tomato pasta sauce
Grated Cheese

Note: You’ll need a bad-ass oven dish big enough for all this nosh.

METHOD

1. Heat the oven to 190°C/375°F/Gas mark 5.

2. Fry the onions in some oil. I’m talking olive oil. None of that shitty sunflower stuff that comes in bulk from places you’d never buy food from. I see you, turning your nose up at the selection of porn then stocking up on cut-price oil and soy sauce. Right? Wrong. The oil is not OK kids. That shit is meant for cars.

3. DON’T FORGET to grill the tortillas till they’re kinda crispy. Nobody likes a limp tortilla. Flopping around all flaccid and shit. Give the thing some respect and crisp him up.

4. Mix the spinach, beans and crème fraiche together. At this point your housemates may seem a little psychotic. If they are poor and hungry students you have already far surpassed the reasonable time for food-making (30 seconds). They may start clawing at cupboard doors and hanging around the bin with a longing expression. STOP them! Snacks are never going to fill the hole a life without real food has left. The first time you licked out the nutella jar you said it was a one-off, didn’t you? So why do you constantly look like an extra from two girls one cup? Shame on you fatty.

5. Layer the Tortilla in the following order: wrap, 1/3 tomato sauce, ½ fried onions, wrap, ½ the bean mixture, wrap, 1/3 tomato sauce, ½ fried onions, wrap ½ the bean mixture, wrap 1/3 tomato sauce and cheese.

6. Bake for 15-20 minutes. What you do in this time is up to you. I could recommend something like “have a quickie” or “tell your mum you love them and you’re sorry that you went to university and grew fat in places you never imagined” but the truth is I wouldn’t do either. I would stuff my face with every morsel of food in sight (I tell myself things like mouldy bread doesn’t count because I’m doing the world a favour and drinking the milk out of the bottle and not from a glass means it didn’t really happen and capers don’t count because I don’t actually like them and I have to hold my nose to swallow). Then probably throw up before dinner. I DO NOT LIKE WAITING FOR MY FOOD.

7. Finally, should you reach this momentous stage, serve the tortilla beany bake up and enjoy with friends. Ooo did you find the secret ingredient? It’s 2CB. Surprise.

PHOTOS: ANNA ROSE CARTER

WORDS: SHELLEY JONES