SUBTLE WARNING
It is the dumpers duty to non-verbally warn the dumpee before they do the deed. Stop calling, send one-line texts and reduce your number of kisses (but not too much, don’t slap her in the SMS). You want to withdraw yourself so much from the relationship that she gets really annoyed and starts saying stuff to her friends like, ‘Whatever, I totes don’t need him’, ‘I could do so much better’ and ‘Fucking small pricked bastard dickface’. That means by the time you actually get round to doing it she’ll hate your guts so much it’ll be a relief to see your sorry ass turn around and walk away. Yeah, you go sister!
FACE TO FACE
I dumped a girl by email once. Well, in truth it wasn’t me that did it. I was having a conversation on yahoo messenger with her BFF (who I’d dated briefly before her and had ‘dumped’ by getting with her BFF ‘“ a less conventional and not to be encouraged method) and suggested that I wasn’t that happy with the way it was going. Four and a half minutes later she sent a message quoting me, written in pink, subject title ‘woohoo you’re single again!!!111′ to my girlfriend. I was never forgiven and was referred to as ‘frigid lesbian boy’ for the rest of school. Don’t be a pussy, say it to her face.
KILL ALL HOPE
It’s definitely over. There is no turning back. You don’t want her anymore. You realised that last night in the middle of sex but it was too late to pull out. Now every time you look into her eyes instead of the warm glow that used to fill your soul, you just feel empty, hollow and a growing attraction to your mother. She needs to know that. Dress it up a little if you want, but basically the message needs to be you + her = a life of crushing pain and intense misery. Do not under any circumstances suggest that you could get back together at some point in the future, it’s not fair on her. As for being friends, fuck off. Such a weak get out clause, and so insulting you might as well have dumped her via email, through her BFF.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE
Hopefully you’ve kept it short and bittersweet. She’s probably cried (you have the right to be insulted if she doesn’t cry BTW – highly developed research from Sweden proved lack of tears equals lack of good cunnilingus). You’re probably feeling very relieved. You’re probably feeling so relieved you think it might be ok to give her a goodbye hug. Shit she smells nice. Did she always smell that nice? She’s sniffling into your shoulder in the most fucking adorable way. She pulls back slightly and looks up at you. You’re so grateful she’s not cutting your dick off you think it might be time to use it again. She leans in slightly to kiss you’ GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE YOU IDIOT.
