Eurgh, Sunday morning. The mixture of bile and past-it’s-sell-by sangria is sloshing around like an acid bath in your gut. As you attempt to clamber out of whichever filth-ridden hovel you passed out in, you wonder what hurts more – your brain being blown to bits like a game of androids or the acute, chilli-sauce induced, scorch that’s turned your first dump of the day into a flame-grilled whopper. You need sausages, oozing fat and bacon and eggs dripping in grease. You need the most satisfying dish ever dreamt up. You need a heart-attack in a pan. It’s the only thing that is going to return you to the land of the living.

You will need:

Sausages
Bacon
Eggs
Tomatoes
Mushrooms
Bread

And one pan.

Wake up and wake everyone else up. You shouldn’t have to do this alone. It’s for everyone’s benefit after all. Plus you may need them for moral support. And to do some preparatory washing up while you make tea. So take biggest pan you own and put it on the hob to warm up. Now go to your fully stocked fridge and get sausages, bacon, eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms.

Your ready to start. And we’re ready to put on our best TV chef voice.

First things first: sausages. You want these to cook quickly so slice them in half length-ways and lay them flat on one side of the pan. On the other side of the pan, pour some oil and throw in the mushrooms. Shake them around a bit so they’re all oiled up nicely and season with salt and pepper.

Then make a bit of room and add the bacon and some halved tomatoes. Cook until the bacon has gone crisp and golden. Flip it. Put a round of toast in the toaster.

Then mix up everything up to make one big pile of tasty mess and add 2 or 3 eggs at different ends of the pan. The egg white will bind it all together into a delicious breakfast cake. Turn the heat down a little and continue to cook for another minute then finish it off by putting the pan under the grill to cook the eggs.

It should just slide onto your plate like a giant food frisbee. Now doesn’t that look appetising?