This weekend I stared down the barrel of a stranger’s butthole. It wasn’t just a bare butt, it was a bare butt spread open to reveal a hairy anus, and it was bobbing up and down because the mouth attached to it was giving a hippy a blowjob. I had walked into the living room of a house party at about 5am to pick up a sweater I’d left in there and had this scene thrust upon me. I caught the eye of the blowjob’s recipient and apologised as I closed the door again, but they didn’t miss a beat, I know cos when they moved on to real fucking and there was a gap in the music downstairs everyone in the house could here them (and if you went up to the keyhole you could see it happening – I’m not above that shit). Around 6am they fell asleep naked covered only with sofa pillows, and people wandered in to look at them being gross and naked together.
That was pretty disgusting, and the butthole was so hairy that I initially thought I’d walked in on two boys getting down together. But then, the next day they really made themselves at home, remaining naked after they woke up and barricading themselves in the room, continuing to fuck. They even went as far as loudly fucking in the shower causing all the water to come into the room underneath. It was incredible. The best bit was that the girl was a friend of a friend of the host, and the hippy she was fucking was someone she’d met in the pub earlier that evening! No one who lived in the house knew them. If they were hot it would have been different – everybody loves see hot people having sex and would gladly give up their living room for the privilege – but they were ugly crusties, and as such were the worst party guests ever.
But, you know, maybe that shit’s ok where they’re from (Psychedelic Trance-sylvania maybe? COME ON!!!), but if they want to come back to a house party I’m at, and not have me telling the girl she needs to get her butthole waxed in front of everyone and telling the boy I saw his thing and it bent in a weird way, then they’re going to have to follow my house party rules:
(images from Keggersofyore.com)
Have sex somewhere else
Make out as aggressively as you want anywhere in the house – the stairs, the kitchen table, the bathroom floor so people have to step over you to pee – no one’s gonna bat an eyelid. Even heavy-ish petting, a boob squeeze, a crotch grab and even a reach-around deep tissue butt grope (when you really get in there, but your hands are still over the skirt/tights), is all stuff people don’t mind seeing when they’re high and drunk at a party. You might have to endure some cat calling, but that’s your own deal cos you’re making out in public. Other than that though, you’re OK. But anything that involves under the clothes contact with genitals or actual nude butts you’ve gotta do somewhere private – and I’m not talking barricading yourselves in a large room at the party, and certainly not the bathroom. That bath’s gonna be needed for sitting in on Es later. The only places you can really go is an airing cupboard or a walk in wardrobe, and who has those things in a shared house? Exactly. Go home to fuck, because to everyone but you, your love is ugly and wrong and no one wants to see it.
Don’t be a stranger
Don’t be a stranger, not as in ‘come back often enough for us not to forget about you’, but as in, don’t be a stranger. If you don’t know anyone at the house party, you’re probably not welcome. Don’t strut around the place saying hi to people, asking for drugs and complaining you don’t like the music. People will get edgy cos they think you’re a lunatic off the street (you are). If you’re a friend of a friend, or even a friend of a friend of a friend, then that’s still fine. As long as your friendship lineage can be traced back to someone who lives in the house, you’re cooking with gas. But if you find yourself at a party because you saw some lights on and the door was open, then stop to consider what just happened: you came to a party with a bunch of people you don’t know because you have nowhere else to go. It makes me sad for you.
No crying
If you’ve had a group of friends for more than two or so years there’s a chance you’ve had sex with a few of them, gone out with one or two of them, had a massive fight with some of them and been rejected by a few too. If you’re at a house party with them and you get slighted or someone turns up with a new girl or whatever, it’s probably going to be a little upsetting. But you know what? You’ve got to take it outside, because I really don’t need you to kill my buzz with your serious feelings (that aren’t really that serious, you’re 22) and all your sympathetic friends crowding round you looking all glum and glaring at me for coming in. Go home and work through it on your own time. I only get two nights off a week and I want to spend them being retarded with my friends, not tip toeing around your boring problems.
Be a team player
If you’re at a house party it’s not like you’re in a club, everyone’s common bond should at least be knowing the hosts, and usually there’s a whole lot more, like going to the same college or being in the same scene, at the least! So who gives a fuck who has a few tokes of your shitty bush weed or who gets a bump of your unspeakably bad cocaine? It’s a party! People hate cliques and cliques that hide in an upstairs room all night are even less popular. You’re never going to get laid if you only smoke weed with your buddies. In fact, you’re never going to get laid if you smoke weed ever, it makes you shitty to talk to. It’s a different matter with cocaine, it makes people horny. So how comes you and your boring friends are so intent on not letting anyone else have any? Are you going to fuck each other? It’s not just about that though (heaven forbid). It’s about creating an atmosphere of jokey good times that makes for a good house party. You guys don’t look exclusive, you just look mean and self important.
