1. Never ever get a tattoo on your face. You know who has a tattoo on their face? Mike Tyson. You know who else has a tattoo on their face? The drummer from coldplay (no lie, he tattooed his own fucking name). You know who else has a tattoo on their face? The man in the picture above.
This man wakes up every morning and looks in the mirror to see this face. He then puts on some weird brown linen suit and picks up road kill from the motorway because that’s the only job he is able to do with his face covered in rainbow stripes and Aztec patterns. Don’t be a dick.
2. If you are a girl and under 22, never sleep with anyone more than three years younger than you. It may seem like a ruddy blast at the time and I am sure the attention you receive from your mates makes you feel like a fucking GOD/ feisty sexy Joan Collins type, but trust me, jailbait is never worth it.
For a start the sex is terrible, so, so bad. It lasts for 5 minutes, then they tell you they love you, then they cry and want to go home. It’s like x-rated babysitters club.
3. Don’t get a sex change mid contract at a job. I used to work at this crappy government-based office and we had a guy there called Frances. He was pretty quiet and used to eat my humus so I never had much to say about him, until he announced one Wednesday morning that he was going through a ‘transition’ and would now be coming into work wearing dresses and make up. He also requested that we call him Franny.
I didn’t really see the point since the douche already had a girls name. From then on he would arrive at work in heels and all of our emails had to be directed to Franny or he’d go off in a pissy little sulk to watch ‘˜Loose Women’ online until we apologised.
Unfortunately this new woman in our lives was also somewhat of a party animal and gradually became more and more tardy until he/she basically didn’t turn up 3 out of 5 days. I felt really bad for my boss because she couldn’t fire him/her as it would be cited as our rejection of his blossoming womanhood.
Actually in retrospect that was pretty good for Franny…no, no don’t do it, we all hated her because she always looked shit and never shaved her legs.
4. Never tell your parents you hate them. Not because of respect or love or any other Clintons bullshit but mainly because they already know.
If you hadn’t realised, parent-child relationships are a constant battle between them doing things to try to provoke you into screaming that you hate them, and you battling to resist their persuasively hateful charms. The second you admit you want them to burn and rot in hell is the second they’ve won.
If you ever do tell them I guarantee you’ll be met with a sly smile and one of them will pull a Dictaphone out of their pocket, ‘did you get that Clive?’ ‘Yes Caroline, we got it’ then they’ll high five and immediately burn the version of their will where they leave everything to you.
If you want money and presents, bite your tongue. With those fuckers it’s all about the long game.
And finally, and perhaps most importantly:
5. Do not, under any circumstances, no matter what, ever, take up poi. For those of you who don’t know about poi it’s that thing girls with shitty dreads and saris do at festivals by the vegan ‘food’ stand.
It’s basically swinging a ball on a bit of string but some of them do it where the ball is on fire and it originated in New Zealand and blah blah blah oh my fucking god it’s so boring. I have seen so many decent, hot girls succumb to this pointlessly embarrassing waste of time.
Ex friends of mine who’ll toddle around a festival quite happily with me but then suddenly their eyes glaze over and next thing I know they’re asking to have a go and I’m waving them goodbye forever as they get fitted for their Birkenstocks while their new boyfriend Chai plays the bongos.
It’s almost as bad as Parkour and that’s really saying something.
WORDS: ELIZABETH SANKEY
